Talking Finances With Your Partner? 7 Tips For Productive Money Conversations

Communication is a crucial tool in sustaining healthy relationships. That means communicating about often complicated topics like money - how much you have, how it’s spent, and your financial goals. Financial stress is the second most common reason for divorce in the U.S., so being on the same page as your partner with finances is important at any stage in a relationship.

Money doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and often bleeds into other parts of our lives. Even without an involved partner, managing finances and debts can feel isolating and high pressure. It’s easy to create strain in any intimate relationship, especially romantic partnerships. A 2021 study by Yoon G. Lee and Lesli Dustin found that “financial stress had a significant and negative impact on financial satisfaction,” meaning that money troubles considerably  “decreased the level of financial satisfaction among married individuals.” Interestingly, even though the study was not primarily focused on financial communication and stress, it ended up being “a dominant factor” throughout.

This is where open and honest communication comes in!

Whether you’re making a long-term plan or resolving a more urgent financial matter, here are a few ways to approach and navigate money conversations with your partner.

1. Be proactive

When should you talk about finances in a relationship? You don't have to wait until a big purchase or you’re overwhelmed to talk about money. Even if you don’t come away with a solid plan, opening up the conversation beforehand can serve as practice for when finances really need to be sorted out. And who knows? You might find the conversation finds solutions before something even becomes a problem.

2. Make it a date

Agree on a semi-regular time and place to check in on finances with your partner. Planned “life admin” dates ensure that both you and your partner have the capacity to pay full attention to the topic. It doesn’t have to be stressful - you can even pick a financial theme, like spending goals or retirement planning, and discuss it over dinner. If you’re short on time, working a money conversation into a pre-planned date can be just as effective!

3. Be clear and assertive with your needs

Honesty is the best policy - it’s a cliche for a reason. Lay out your current and ideal financial situations together. Talk about how yours compare to your partner’s, and break down what it takes to achieve your shared financial goals step-by-step.

4. Remember to stay open-minded

Not everyone has the same views on money. When talking about finances with a boyfriend, for example, you might have a 30-year savings plan for retirement underway and he may have different financial priorities. 

Additionally, upbringing often shapes spending habits, so get on the same page about both of yours. They don’t have to be the same, but they do have to be communicated and approached respectfully. Be open to meeting in the middle.

5. Take baby steps

Some money puzzles can’t reasonably be solved in a night, so it’s a good idea to check in with each other. It’s okay to stop if either of you become overwhelmed and need a break to regroup. Some questions to ease into the topic can be as simple as, “How much do we both make?”, “Do you have student loan debt?”, or “How many credit cards do you have open?” These can slowly open up deeper conversation.

6. Enlist outside help

If you have the means and need another head helping, talk to a financial planner or try couples therapy with specialized relationship therapists. Their experts will help create a personalized plan for you and your partner - think of them as a friendly mediator. Walking through your money histories with a neutral outside source can help you and your partner understand each other’s habits and goals through different perspectives - and create new ones, too.

7. Remember you’re on the same team

You and your partner want to figure out all this financial stress together - that’s why you’re navigating these conversations in the first place! As triggering as money can be for some people, try to keep collaboration in mind to avoid arguments and further strain.

These are just a few examples you and your partner can keep in mind while talking about finances. Money can feel like a daunting topic, so remember that financial success in a relationship comes from clear communication and mutual respect - much like finding success in many aspects of a relationship. Ultimately, reframing arguments around money into productive, respectful conversations will strengthen your relationship in the long run.

What is Rainbow Washing ?

The pervasive nature of capitalism is such that it pounces on every and any opportunity to monetize content, and “pinkwashing” is a great example of this. Pinkwashing, sometimes also referred to as rainbow washing or pink capitalism, is a term that describes the commercialization of the LGBTQ+ movement and culture, especially surrounding Pride Month. 

Ranging from tasteless to blatantly harmful, pinkwashed products exploit a marginalized community’s struggle in order to make a profit. This is further complicated when it comes to organizations that go out of their way to support laws, politicians, and groups that harm queer people. For example, the telecom company AT&T covers their social media in rainbows and empty corporate slogans for Pride month while simultaneously making at least 327 donations for a total of $204,350 to anti-LGBTQ legislators since 2016 according to Corporate Accountability Action. AT&T is one of many examples of businesses showing superficial “support” for the queer community when it benefits them while going out of their way to harm it.

Another good example of the hollowness of pinkwashing is Walmart. They sell Pride merchandise and make a big deal of “Walmart PRIDE, Walmart Proud,” yet in 2015 they were sued for discriminating against queer employees by denying health insurance benefits to those with same-sex spouses. Walmart is another good reminder that these corporations do not care about the wellbeing of the people they exploit for profit.  

The problem with pinkwashing is less that the products merely exist and more so that it’s a superficial gesture that is often not backed with tangible support for the community. Unfortunately, big corporations almost never put their time and money where their mouth is because everything they do is in the interest of supporting their bottom line. The queer community isn’t the only victim of this marketing ploy either because corporations will jump on any opportunity to improve their image and churn out more products.

There is an argument to be made in favor of pinkwashing which is that even if it’s exploitative, it provides wider visibility and representation and therefore has the potential to fuel more tolerance of LGBTQ+ people in society as a whole. This, however, is simply not worth the hefty price tag of exploiting a community and its activism. Furthermore, oftentimes the merchandise in question is made to appeal to the niches within the queer community with significant purchasing power, meaning that the most marginalized people are still not being represented at all, harmfully or otherwise. The price of poor representation is far too steep to be worth the trade-off.   

This isn’t to say that you can never buy any Pride or queer related products but, if you’re able, try to patronize small, queer-owned businesses instead of large corporations. Here are some suggestions to get you started: 

• TomboyX (clothing + underwear)

• Wildfang (clothing)

• Feminist Apparel (clothing, stickers, mugs, bags)

• The Third Arrow (pins, stickers, cards)

• Fluide (makeup)

• PrideFlagSD (pride flags hand-sewn by queer people)

• QueerestGear (hats, patches, stickers, shirts)

• Autostraddle Shop (clothing, art prints, stickers, pins) 

• A Tribe Called Queer (clothing, candles, bags)

• Heckin’ Unicorn (earrings, pins, socks, notebooks)

Finally, keep in mind that while it’s great to want to display your pride with a piece of fun merch, especially if you’re supporting a small business, you absolutely do not have to buy anything to be part of the LGBTQ+ community or to participate in any queer events and celebrations.

Meeting your Partner's Partner: What to expect when you meet a metamour?

Metamour is a term relating to non-monogamy that refers to your partner’s partner. Whether or not you’re interested in meeting your metamour(s) is a personal decision for each individual and each polycule. Wanting or not wanting to meet a metamour are both valid decisions. That being said, consider practicing some self-reflection either way about the motivations behind your decision. If you do want to meet a metamour is it, for instance, because you want to exert control over their relationship with your partner? If you don’t want to meet them, is that discomfort rooted in insecurity or anxiety about your relationship? Knowing your motivations will provide you more insight into where your boundaries and comfort zone lie. Additionally, familiarizing yourself with your motivations can allow you the space to share and process those feelings with your partner so everyone is on the same page. For those who are interested in meeting a metamour, this article will serve as a guide for what to expect and address common concerns about meeting a metamour. 

As intimidating as the idea of meeting a partner’s partner is, the great news is that you already have something in common: caring about your partner! Furthermore, one of the most useful parts of meeting a metamour for many non-monogamous people, especially those who struggle with jealousy, meeting a metamour is one of the best ways to disrupt the idealization of them in your head that often makes them feel more threatening to you. Meeting them humanizes them.

Regardless of how secure you feel in your relationship, meeting a metamour for the first time is almost always nerve wracking. Here are some tips to make it as comfortable as possible for everyone involved:

1. Meet in a neutral location like a cafe or a park rather than someone’s home so that no one has the “home advantage.” 

2. Have an idea of how much time you’d like to spend with your metamour. Nothing has to be scheduled in stone, but having an idea of when you’ll part ways to process the meeting might help soothe your nerves and avoid awkwardness around the departure. 

3. Make plans with your partner both to talk about how the meeting went and, separately, something fun you can do together to nurture your connection.

4. Understand that your metamour is probably just as nervous as you and, if it would assuage your nerves, you can express that nervousness upfront. For example, you could say something like “Hi, I’m so glad we’re finally meeting! Full disclosure I’m feeling a bit nervous but I’m excited to sit down and get to know you better.”

5. Think about what relationship logistics you want to talk about with your metamour. You’re not obligated to do so but if you want to talk about things like safer sex practices, boundaries, and needs, you should plan what you want to express ahead of time so you can do it as reasonably and respectfully as possible.

There are a variety of possibilities for how your relationship with your metamour will develop, if at all, beyond the first meeting. You might end up best friends, or maybe just coexist peacefully and separately. The most important part is that everyone involved is communicating openly about their needs and boundaries. There is no one size fits all way to navigate this so if you’re being transparent with one another, you have the tools to tailor the experience to your specific dynamic.