3 Reasons to Seek Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a therapeutic niche that addresses a wide range of sexuality-related concerns. Sexuality is a central part of being human so it makes sense that there is a need for professionals to guide us through issues pertaining to such a personal and important subject. Even the most knowledgable people about sexuality and relationships can benefit from having a neutral third party to work through internalized biases and judgments, relationship issues, sexual and gender identity, and more. Here are some reasons why you may seek a sex therapist:

You’re processing sexual trauma

Did you know that every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted? Sexual assault is probably the first thing that comes to mind when you think of sexual trauma and while sexual trauma does include assault, it encapsulates more than that. It also includes issues such as chronic objectification and sexual shaming, sexual harassment like being catcalled, and both physical and emotional incest. These are complex, damaging traumas that left untreated can lead to depression and anxiety, among other issues. Sex therapists can help you work through your sexual trauma and any associated issues.

You’re unsatisfied with the state of your sex life and/or relationship as a whole

Sex therapy is a great resource for both individuals and people in a relationship working through sex and relationship issues. Humans are imperfect and therefore so are our relationships. Sometimes relationship and/or sex life tension start feeling insurmountable, which is where a sex therapist comes in. They can help individuals identify their wants and needs and work through sexual dissatisfaction. For people in relationships seeking treatment together, a therapist can mediate a discussion where all partners can have a say and be heard, facilitating a hopefully effective and kind dialogue.

You have difficulty achieving orgasm or arousal

There is nothing wrong with struggling to achieve orgasm or arousal. That being said, if it bothers you, you might consider seeking out a sex therapist after identifying or ruling out any physical causes. A therapist can help you pinpoint the source of the difficulty and work through it with you. Even if you are unable to “fix” the issue, a good therapist can hopefully help you find ways to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life.

These are just a few examples of what sex therapy can be helpful for. If you’re unsure if sex therapy is right for you or where to start, reach out to ESW team to see if we may be a fit for you.

4 Ways We Blame Ourselves for Our Sexuality

The topic of sexuality is complex and shrouded in shame, fueled by a complete lack of comprehensive sex education in the United States. This leaves many of us struggling to understand our own sexuality independently which can be messy and frustrating. Furthermore, experiencing sexual shame on an independent level means it’s difficult to internalize that you aren’t the only one struggling with a certain issue. The first step to unlearning this shame is by acknowledging that it exists and then you can begin to unpack it. Let’s address some common sources of sexual shame together.

Not being able to achieve orgasm in a specific way or at all

This is more commonly spoken about as an issue that women struggle with (an estimated 10-15% of women experience orgasmic dysfunction) but anyone can experience difficulty attaining orgasm. There are many potential roots of the problem including, but not limited to sexual trauma, age, hormones, mental and chronic illness, and certain medications. Whether or not there is a clear root of the problem, there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing difficulty attaining orgasm. Societal expectations and misinformation is the source of the shame, your body is not inherently shameful and you did not do anything “wrong” to “deserve” this. Most important to remember, you do not need to be able to orgasm in order to enjoy sex and masturbation.

Not being interested in intercourse, but interested in other sexual/sensual activities

Heteronormative expectations of sex center around penetrative sex; it is posited as the goal of sex. Unfortunately, this is exclusionary to many people like queer people, people who experience sexual dysfunction, or just anyone who does not derive pleasure from penetrative sex. Aside from being exclusionary, it’s limiting for everyone who has internalized that expectation. Once we are able to unlearn heteronormative expectations of sex (easier said than done!), so many doors open in terms of sexual possibility. Intercourse is just one of many ways to enjoy sex and it is not the sole “right” way to have sex.

Having responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire

Generally speaking there are two main types of how people experience a desire to have sex. Responsive desire means someone often needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire while spontaneous desire means someone often feels mental desire before physical arousal. Mainstream media and societal expectations posit spontaneous desire as the “norm,” leaving those with responsive desire to feel like something is wrong with them. Neither is superior, they are simply different. If you are struggling with your desire type being compatible with your partner(s), check out this Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post on desire discrepancy.

Experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain

Similarly to orgasmic dysfunction, it’s hard not to feel “broken” for experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain, especially if it prohibits you from having the kind of sex you want to have. It makes sense to grieve the fact that your body cannot do something that you wish that it could. At the same time, it’s integral to remember that you still deserve to have enjoyable sex and that it is still possible, even if that means it won’t look the way you expected.

The source of the shame related to the reasons above is because of the limiting societal expectations and beliefs about sex. The problem does not lie in the individual, but in the inaccurate and exclusionary ways we learn and talk about sex. You are not alone in your challenges. If you find yourself struggling to address your sexual shame alone, consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness and one of our sexuality professionals will happily help guide you through it.

3 Ways to Queer Your Relationship

Whether you’re aware of it or not, societal expectations and social systems of oppression, like white supremacy, capitalism, patriarchy, laws, and more heavily influence how we form relationships. For instance, the rise of the isolated nuclear family (two parents and their children living together) as opposed to interconnected extended families was prompted following the Great Depression and World War I. This was due in part to the fact that it allowed for the proliferation of generational wealth - to the disadvantage of the working class. This is one example of many that illustrates how social institutions (in this case, capitalism) have shaped modern relationship norms. Unfortunately, this limits people from achieving their most fulfilling relationship dynamic. It’s never too late to start unlearning toxic societal ideals though!

“Queering” is difficult to define because the nature of queerness is ambiguous. It started as a method of media analysis that utilizes queer theory to reinterpret and challenge heteronormativity and gender roles in popular media. More broadly, it refers to challenging the societal norms and institutions that oppress anyone who dares to exist in opposition to them. That’s still a bit nebulous so let’s talk about what the “queering” of a relationship tangibly looks like: 

Let go of heteronormative ideas of how relationships function

Heteronormativity is “the assumption that heterosexuality is the standard for defining normal sexual behavior and that male-female differences and gender roles are the natural and immutable essentials in normal human relations.” To be clear, challenging heteronormativity does not mean invalidating heterosexuality but rather the toxic assumption that heterosexuality is the only valid way to exist. Rejecting heteronormativity in your relationship might look like confronting your assumptions about sexuality in general; intentionally evaluating whether the heteronormative version of “normal relationships” is right for you in. Heteronormativity is strict in its expectation that the only valid romantic relationships exist between a cisgender, heterosexual man and woman in a monogamous relationship. Unsurprisingly, this script does not suit as many people as it claims to but because it is ingrained as the “default” option, many people simply don’t even realize there are alternatives to be considered. If you haven’t already done soul searching surrounding your own desires in terms of your sexuality and your preferences for monogamy or non-monogamy, that is an important first step.

Let go of binary gender roles

Binary gender roles are a byproduct of heteronormativity in which all people are classified as one of two genders, male or female, typically decided based on the appearance of genitalia at birth. This is a rigid understanding of the concepts of sex and gender which attempts to pigeonhole people based on arbitrary assumptions pertaining to one’s gender. An example of how gender roles manifest is the assumption that women will want to be homemakers and men will be breadwinners. Unlearning these ingrained ideas about gender essentialism is no easy task. It involves reconsidering everything we have been told is “normal.” It’s worthwhile to sit down with your partner(s) and evaluate how gender roles manifest in your relationship; do you make assumptions about one another’s preferences based on their gender? Does everyone feel safe to express their gender identity authentically around one another? Do you surround your relationship with people who help you outgrow the limitations of the gender binary?

Intentionally create a relationship that fulfills the needs of all involved

Here are some questions to consider with your partner(s): 

• Is everyone involved in the relationship satisfied with its status regarding monogamy? Would it benefit the relationship to consider alternative structures like a form of non-monogamy?

• If anyone in the relationship is queer, do they feel validated in their identity within the relationship?

• Do you prioritize your romantic relationship(s) over platonic ones? If so, why, and does that serve you?  

Queerness, and queering, are very nuanced concepts that cannot be done full justice in a singular blog post. You might consider speaking to a therapist at Embrace Sexual Wellness if you’re struggling to get started with queering your relationship. If you’re interested in learning more on your own, here are some resources:

• Queer Relationships Zine

• The Joys of Queering Your Relationships

• Queering Relationships: Toward a Paradigmatic Shift

• Queering Gender, Queering Relationships

• How To "Queer" A Heterosexual Relationship

• My Queer Friendships Taught Me How to Love

• queering heterosexuality | The Anarchist Library

• Queering Relationships: Aromantic and Asexual Perspectives

• Queering Marriage: The Homoradical and Anti-Normativity

• Queering Marriage | Rutgers University Press

• Queering Relationships

• Queering intimacies, families and companionships