The Importance of Consent During A Pandemic

Consent has always been an important topic. However, during the time of coronavirus, practicing consent is more pressing than ever before. We are not only thinking of consent in terms of sexual interactions, but we are also now thinking of consent in terms of touching, hugging, distancing, etc. During this pandemic, we have recognized a greater need to respect others’ boundaries. Now we have to decide if we are okay meeting a friend outdoors for a social distance hangout, giving someone a hug, giving someone an elbow bump, etc. 

What Is Consent?

In its most basic definition, consent means to give one’s approval. More broadly, it means to set boundaries of what you are okay with. When giving consent you are agreeing to an activity or letting another person know you are okay with something happening. If you do not wish to engage in an activity, you are saying no, which is revoking your consent. It’s important to know your boundaries when entering into social interactions so you know what activities you are comfortable consenting to. 

Here are some questions to allow you to understand your boundaries better: 

• Will you hug your friend, when you meet for coffee?

• Are you okay if a friend gives you a high five?

• How about an elbow bump?

These are some examples of consent in a non-sexual context. Many look at consent in a largely sexual context, but the concept of consent applies to all aspects of life. Consent is typically taught through the acronym FRIES, meaning that consent is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. This acronym clearly breaks down what consent is and gives a framework for conversations surrounding consent. 

Let’s break down the meaning behind the FRIES acronym. Freely given means consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or the influence of drugs and alcohol. Reversible means when you consent to something you are not consenting forever. Anyone can change their mind about what they are comfortable doing at any time. Informed means consent includes details. For example if you say ‘yes’ to having sex while using a condom, you are not consenting to having sex without a condom. Enthusiastic means that it is said enthusiastically and there is no doubt that you want or do not want to engage in an activity. Specific means saying yes to one thing, does not mean you are saying yes to another thing. For example, if you say yes to making out, that does not mean you are saying yes to having oral sex. While for some, it may seem like the natural progression of sexual relations, but that does not mean that everyone feels this way. Even if you think that someone agrees to being sexual with you, asking for consent is still necessary.

Why Is Consent Important During Covid?

Since the beginning of the pandemic  boundaries have likely changed. We are facing new challenges relating to interactions with others and even ourselves. Respecting personal boundaries is always important, but now it is critical. Mutual respect is arguably more important than ever. And productive communication is necessary. 

Some of these boundaries may include not taking off masks in social interactions, not eating at a restaurant, not going inside of a store, etc. Practicing consent means respecting these boundaries and not making someone do something that makes them feel unsafe. Consent is critical to protect you, your friends and family, and your relationships with others.  

Be Honest and Have Open Conversations

Always let those around you know when you are doing something that increases the risk of Covid. For example, if you are out with friends, instead of taking off your mask right away, ask if they are comfortable with you doing so. Ask if your friends are comfortable doing specific activities such as eating at a restaurant or having a picnic in the park, if they aren't, don't do it. It’s that simple. It all comes down to respect.

Don’t just ask if people are comfortable with what you are doing. Be open to input! In these unprecedented times, we are all learning with and from each other. Don’t just agree with your friends, but ask them why they are choosing not to do something.

When you make a commitment to respect those around you you should also assure them that you will only do things that make them feel safe without any judgment or cold feelings. 

Make Sure Boundaries are Clear

Make sure that there is no pressure when asking someone if they are comfortable doing something. Peer pressure has been shown to be highly influential in changing individuals’ attitudes. When a person feels pressured by peers, they may make decisions because they feel they have to rather than because they want to. One way to reduce pressure is to let others know that any choice that they make is valid and you will respect that choice.   

Important Questions to Ask

Your friends are not mind readers and neither are you. That is why it is important to have constructive conversations in order to help your friends understand you better and vice versa. As you ask questions about the other’s boundaries, think about how you would answer them yourself in order to think critically about your own boundaries. 

Here are some questions to consider asking your friends:

• Are you comfortable with hugs right now?

• How would you feel if I took off my mask while we walk?

• Do you feel safe doing _______ (insert activity here)?

• Which activities are you comfortable with right now? 

• Which activities are you uncomfortable with right now?

Remember that everyone has different boundaries and that all boundaries are valid. It is important to have these conversations to make sure that everyone is on the same page. Make sure that whoever you are with consents to any activity that you do. Consent is key in any relationship. 

Discussing Your STI Status and Practicing Safer Sex

STIs, also known as sexually transmitted infections, are important to be aware of whether you are sexually active or not. More than 1 million STIs are acquired every day worldwide, yet there remains a stigma surrounding them and those that have them.  But shame can be reduced by learning the facts. Few STIs are life-threatening and most are treatable. Having an STI doesn’t mean that you are a ‘dirty’ person and is no different than contracting another type of infection, such as a sinus infection. Using the term ‘dirty’ is stigmatizing and hurtful. When we use the terms ‘clean’ and ‘dirty’ to describe sexual health we are implying that people with STIs are not healthy or moral people, which is not accurate and evokes shame. These terms are damaging to those who have STIs because it can make them feel as if there is something wrong with them.

Discuss Your STI Status Before You Have Sex

It can be difficult to talk to your partner about STIs, but it is an important conversation to have. Before having sex with a new partner it’s important to have a conversation about your STI status and expectations for getting tested. Even if you are using protection, such as condoms, that protect against STIs, you should regularly get tested to make sure that you are aware of your STI status. It is also critical to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to expectations for testing and safer sex practices.

It may make you more comfortable to have this conversation in a safe and private space. Make sure that you are alone and in a place where you feel comfortable to discuss private information. If you are having trouble beginning the conversation, that is okay. Some things you can ask about are your partner’s sexual history, if they typically have sex with or without protection, what barrier methods they are open to using (e.g, internal condoms, external condoms, dental dams), when was the last time they got tested and what those results were, and if they have ever had an STI before. 

Develop Healthy Sex Practices

It is important to be open with your partner about what methods you will use to prevent STI transmission during sex. Creating an agreement is critical when beginning sex with a new partner so that you are on the same page about your expectations. Continue your dialogue about STI testing and status and make it clear that you want to engage in safer sex practices to protect against the transmisison of STIs. 

To start off these conversations it can be helpful to let your partner know that you will be able to enjoy sex more if you know that you are in agreement about your sexual practices. Do you expect you or your partner to always wear a condom or use barriers like dental dams? Asking questions like these allow for you and your partner to create a clear plan together. If you are okay with them having sex with other people make it clear. It is important to be open about expectations if you and your partner are going to be sexually monogamous or not.

Get Tested

The most important thing you can do after having an open conversation with your partner is to get tested. The CDC has extensive recommendations for how often you should get tested based on gender identity, sexual orientation, and number of sexual partners. However, it is recommended that you get tested with each new partner so that there is total transparency. Many are unaware of the “window period”, the time it takes for an STI test to read as positive after it is transmitted. While some STIs only take a week to show up in a test, others may take up to four months.

Find a Testing Site Near You

STI and Sexual Health Hotlines

Lower-risk activities

If you or your partner has an STI, or if you are not comfortable having sex right away, Planned Parenthood has a comprehensive list of lower-risk activities to be sexually intimate with another person. Some of these activities include outercourse, all sexual acts other than vaginal intercourse, and mutual masturbation, but for a comprehensive list, visit Planned Parenthood’s website.  

Remember that having an STI is nothing to be ashamed of. The best thing you can do is to encourage an open dialogue with each new partner and get tested regularly. There are a variety of options available for those who have an STI. There are treatments such as antibiotics and antiviral drugs that can help with symptoms and in some cases get rid of the infection. If you test positive for an STI remember that you are not alone. There are many resources to help you manage the outbreak.

The Danger of Gender Reveal Parties

The term “gender reveal party” has recently been trending due to an uncontrolled California wildfire caused by one of these events. Many are now wondering if we should even be having these parties at all. Here are some of the dangers of gender reveal parties. 

What you are revealing is the child’s assigned sex, not their gender

Just the name of gender reveal parties are inaccurate. Gender and sex are often used interchangeably, when in fact they have different meanings. Gender is the socially constructed set of roles and behaviors that influence how we identify ourselves and others. Gender identity is fluid, meaning that there are gender identities that do not fit into our preconceived notions of woman and man, such as non-binary,  genderqueer, two-spirit, and more. Sex assigned at birth, on the other hand, refers to the biological makeup of a person. Sex assigned at birth refers to a combination of chromosomes, genitalia, internal reproductive organs, sex hormones, gametes, and secondary sex characteristics. While sex assigned at birth can be determined before and during birth, gender cannot. 

They place children within the binary

These parties do not only misrepresent what gender is, but they place children in the gender binary before they are born. When we place children in the binary, we don’t only take away much of their ability to grow and explore their own gender identity, but we teach them that the binary is the norm. But the binary is not the norm anymore. A 2017 study reported that 0.73% of American teenagers self-identify as transgender nationwide. About 25-35% of those that are transgender identify as non-binary, meaning that they do not identify with either gender. 

If we begin to go beyond the binary, we can give our future children the ability to decide how they want to express themselves and identify. Parents can give their children a diversity of choices and opportunities to develop their gender identity. Rather than giving children who are assigned female at birth “feminine” toys, provide them with a range of toys to play with so that they can see what they enjoy for themselves. Not all “girls” like dolls and not all “boys” like sports. And maybe your child isn’t a girl or a boy, and that is okay. But give your children room to grow on their own. 

They perpetuate gender stereotypes 

Parents should let their children discover who they are without projecting their stereotypes of gender onto them. The blue or pink at a gender reveal represents more than assigned sex, it represents a childhood of constant stereotyping. When a parent reveals the assigned sex of their child, what follows is often a flood of gifts and advice relating to the child’s perceived gender. Like the toy example, gifts and advice are harmful because they assume that there are correct interests and life paths for a child based on their assigned sex. 

This leads to concepts such as the tomboy identity, culturally defined as a “girl” who acts like a “boy”. But why even have these stereotypes? Interests and behaviors should not be gendered, and by beginning to gender interests and behaviors before a child is born, parents perpetuate these gendered stereotypes that can be harmful to children trying to navigate their own identities. 

They are physically dangerous

Not only are these parties dangerous socially and culturally, but they are also dangerous physically. Last week, a family in California set off a “smoke-generating pyrotechnic device” which caused an ongoing fire in the California wilderness. This fire has continued to spread uncontrollably and California skies have turned orange due to the fire. This phenomenon of gender reveals causing physical injuries is not new, methods for the “big reveal” of a child’s assigned sex have caused physical injuries and disasters on many occasions. 

This isn’t to say that we should cancel parties honoring a future child. However, we should be careful about the language that we are using and refrain from defaulting to societal norms surrounding stereotypes and the idea of the binary.