Tips for Navigating Long Distance Intimacy

Long distance relationships are tough for everyone involved - who wants to be apart from their loved one(s)? Though nothing will quite sate the desire to be with them physically, there are ways to get everyone’s needs met. Over the past few years COVID forced us to innovate and find creative ways to stay connected. As a result, we've never had more tools available to make long distance relationships a bit easier. Before figuring out which of these options work best for your relationship, all partners involved should evaluate what they need to feel connected and satisfied, and then communicate that to each other. That will give you the information you need to choose the best option(s) for your relationship.

Some questions you should consider are:

• What are your non-negotiable needs around connecting with your partner and how often do you need to connect to feel satisfied in your relationship? 

• How often are you able and willing to text/call/video chat? 

• What insecurities, if any, do you have about long distance relationships and what do you need from your partner(s) to help you manage those insecurities?

• What ways, if any, do you need to be intentional about how you spend social time outside the relationship in order to feel socially satisfied? 

• What are your primary love language(s) and how can they be fulfilled long distance? 

Once you establish those answers, you can get started looking into ways to connect, including the following suggestions: 

CASUAL COMMUNICATION

• Send videos or audio messages to give your partner updates about your day 

• Make “open when” letters

• Send them a surprise $5 to get themselves a coffee  
  

SPENDING TIME TOGETHER

• Watch a movie or TV show together

• Play free multiplayer games online like on Pogo

• Do a virtual museum tour
  

SEX

• Try out a long distance remote control sex toy 

• Print out sultry photos of yourself and mail it to them (as long as you have consent) 

• Set aside time for sexting like you would carve out time for physical sex in order to be fully present and connected 
  

Long distance relationships are challenging but not insurmountable. With work, intentionality, and communication, it’s possible to have a full, satisfying relationship regardless of proximity. 

Holiday Gift Ideas For Each of the 5 Love Languages

With the holidays right around the corner, you might be thinking about what to get for your loved ones. Gift-giving can be daunting but a great starting point is to think about the recipient’s primary love language(s ).

The idea of the five love languages is based on The 5 Love Languages book by Dr. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor*. The website explains that when you identify the love languages preferences of yourself and the people you love, you can connect on a deeper level and understand how to fulfill needs more easily and effectively. The five outlined are acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. 

Gift Ideas   

Acts of Service 

For people who receive love primarily through acts of service, it’s most meaningful when their loved ones help them out by doing things like making them breakfast, taking over a chore for them, or running an errand for them. 

• Cooking them a meal

  • Bringing them breakfast in bed

• Making a “coupon book” with various chores and errands that the recipient can cash in when they want the giver to take over that task

• Give them a gift card for a home cleaning service

Receiving Gifts

For people who receive love primarily through receiving gifts, they feel loved when they receive meaningful tangible items. A common misconception is that people with this love language are greedy or materialistic; however, it’s not about what the item is but about giving them a tangible reminder that they are loved. For this love language, gift-giving is a little different because it will highly vary from person to person what will mean the most. 

• Consider a multi-part gift that requires opening several packages. This might be something like a spa set where each package has a different self-care item or a customized puzzle where you give them the pieces over a course of days and they have to figure out how to assemble it. If you’re not feeling inspired, there’s also a resource called The Days of Gifts that sends multi-day gift packages based on a questionnaire filled out by the giver. 

• Subscription-based gifts are another great “gift that keeps on giving” for your gift-receiving love language loved one.

• Something sentimental like a customized accessory with a photo attached to a fun memory

Quality Time

For people who receive love primarily through quality time, they feel the most loved when they get to spend uninterrupted time with their loved one. 

• Plan an adventure whether that’s a day trip to a nearby city or hiking or whatever other kind of excursion suits the recipient’s interests

• Make a date jar (regardless of whether it’s a romantic or platonic relationship!). Get a container (if you’re feeling crafty, you can decorate it too!) and fill it with slips of paper with ideas for ways you can spend time together

• Take a cooking class together 

Words of Affirmation

For people who receive love primarily through words of affirmation, they feel the most loved when their loved ones share written or spoken kind and complimentary words. 

• Make an affirmation jar! Similar to the concept of the date jar, this involves getting a container and filling it with slips of paper with compliments and kind words about the recipient

• Markup a favorite book with notes, inside jokes, and surprises like fun stickers

• Commission a photo word portrait. You send the artist any words, whether that’s a favorite poem or a letter you write yourself, and a photo and they combine the two to make a beautiful sentimental gift

Physical Touch 

For people who receive love primarily through physical touch, they feel the most loved when they get to be physically affectionate with their loved ones. 

• Buy some nice massage oils and give them a massage (this would likely be suitable only for romantic partners or close friends). If you’re not confident in your massage skills, book them a professional massage instead 

• Get them a weighted blanket, which many people find soothing and cozy 

• A “5 senses” gift where you pick out special items coordinating with each sense like their favorite snack for taste or their favorite cologne for smell
  

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you put thought into your gifts because as long as you do that, it’s hard to go wrong. Even by reading this article, you clearly care about making your loved ones feel loved and are already putting thought into your gifts. Be thoughtful but don’t overthink or overly stress yourself out about it. Happy gift-giving!

*Disclaimer: ESW does not endorse the views of Gary Chapman. These examples are designed to correspond with the universal concept of the love languages and the general adoption of these concepts. For updated alternatives to the 5 love languages search "Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love" by Anne Hodder-Shipp and Jaiya's “Erotic Blueprint.”

Navigating Asexual/Allosexual Relationships

Asexuality is an umbrella term for a sexual orientation spectrum unified by the lack of experiencing sexual attraction towards other people. As opposed to celibacy which is a choice to abstain from sex, asexuality is intrinsic like any other sexual orientation. A lack of sexual attraction does not always inherently mean that someone does not experience other forms of attraction like romantic, aesthetic, or sensual. Like any other identity, the way asexuality manifests will vary from individual to individual. Some asexual people still enjoy the act of sex, while others are sex-repulsed. Furthermore, asexuality may be coupled with any type of romantic attraction but not always. Asexuality is a completely valid sexuality and is not to be confused with any dysfunction or fundamental lacking. Being that some asexual people still experience romantic attraction, it’s likely that not every person they will be romantically attracted to will also be asexual. This difference in sexual orientation  has the potential to cause friction in a relationship if it’s not explicitly and intentionally addressed. Here are some ideas for broaching this topic with your partner.

It’s vital for the allosexual (non-asexual) partner(s) to keep in mind that asexuality, like any other sexual orientation, is not a choice. It is never okay to lash out at an asexual person for something they cannot control. Remember, approach this as you and your partner(s) against the problem, not you versus one another. The problem is the mismatch in needs, not the asexual person’s orientation. 

• Evaluate the tangible sexual needs of all partner(s). Before being able to figure out how to make sure everyone’s needs are being fulfilled, you need to understand what those needs are. In Embrace Sexual Wellness’s blog article, “How to Determine and Communicate Boundaries in Relationships” you can find ways to discover and communicate your needs.

• Brainstorm solutions outside of the box. Consider options like ethical non-monogamy, scheduled sex for a guaranteed frequency (if the asexual partner is open to having sex), and nurturing other types of intimacy. 

• Remember, this  can be a tricky situation to navigate for anyone. There is no shame in seeking out help from professionals like the clinicians at Embrace Sexual Wellness. A third party can facilitate a more productive, effective conversation which may be the jumpstart you and your partner(s) need to tackle this challenge.