Differences in libido within a sexual relationship are bound to happen at some point and it is even more likely in the context of a global pandemic. These differences, sometimes called desire discrepancy, can be a huge source of tension between partners and it’s not always within our control. There are tons of factors that play into our desire for sex and with so many variables, it can feel difficult to understand. That’s why we’re going to cover the factors involved and what to do about it.
Factors Influencing Libido
There are a litany of factors that influence our libido, which is why it can fluctuate ever so frequently. Particularly in a time when more or less everyone’s stress level is heightened, libidos are all over the place. Many people are experiencing a shift in how their libido functions and fluctuates; annoying for sure, but definitely normal. There are several reasons this fluctuation occurs, within or outside pandemic times.
Hormones/Biology
Hormones fluctuate for a variety of reasons like a menstrual cycle, stress (more on that next), and aging. As hormones fluctuate, they can affect your libido. This is a pretty unavoidable factor, but understanding how and when your hormones fluctuate might help you understand changes in your libido. If you’re seriously concerned about how your hormones shift and the outfall from that, talk to your medical provider.
Stress
Stress does some pretty crazy things to the body, including affecting libido. It both physically and mentally influences your desire to have sex. Physically, your hormone production changes when you’re under stress like increased cortisol, which lowers libido. Mentally, when you have a busy brain you can’t mindfully enjoy sexual pleasure as much and it can even preclude you from orgasming. Plus, stress by definition puts a strain which is exhausting, yet another reason you might not be feeling up to getting down.
Medication
Some types of medications can suppress libido as a side effect, especially antidepressants. If this is the case for you and it is significantly hindering your enjoyment of life or otherwise undesirable, talk to your doctor about possibly adjusting your medication(s).
Trauma
Any trauma, but especially sexual trauma, can negatively affect libido. Everyone reacts to trauma differently; some people become more sexual, some don’t want anything to do with sex, and some fall in between.
Relationship to our bodies
Lots of people struggle with loving their own body, especially during a pandemic when people are stress eating and lacking access to their usual exercise resources. If you’re feeling particularly down about your body, it could be affecting your sexual interest. When you feel unattractive or uncomfortable in your skin, it’s less likely that you’ll want to expose yourself and be vulnerable in that way with another person.
What Can I Do?
While this is a frustrating issue, it’s not insurmountable! Don’t despair just yet because there are lots of things you can try.
So many romanticized sex scenes involve passionate, spur of the moment heat. That doesn’t mean that planned sex is any less hot though! It doesn’t have to be a buzzkill to the thrill; the lead-up and tension building to the time compound the excitement and anticipation. Especially in longer term relationships, sex can move to the back burner in favor of more urgent priorities. For healthy relationships (that involve people who do typically want to have sex, as opposed to people who do not typically want sex) sex can be both a fun, connecting experience and a way to increase physical and emotional intimacy. For these reasons, it’s important to incorporate consistent sexual encounters into your life! Scheduling sex allows this to be a more conscious process of incorporation. It can relieve some of the stress of initiating sex and ensures that you make time for it. Of course, this isn’t an iron-clad schedule! If the time rolls around and someone isn’t feeling it, there should be no obligation to follow through. Perhaps you can agree on another pleasurable activity that everyone is up for, even if it’s not sex, like like cuddling or kissing, which is elaborated on below.
Determine the root issue
When applicable, try to solve the root issues of a lacking libido (in the instance that this is not your norm). If it’s stress, consider working with a psychotherapist to develop coping strategies and stronger self-care habits. If it is body image, do some body positive activities, join support groups on social media, speak to a psychotherapist, and read up. You get the point, effects on libido are a symptom; to really solve it long term, you need to address the root.
If you wanna get something done, do it yourself
Self-pleasure is important to a healthy sex life both because it helps you know your own body and preferences better, and because it nurtures your need for sexual fulfillment. It won’t be the same as partnered sex but that doesn’t mean it’s “worse”. Masturbation isn’t the “backup option” for sex; both masturbation and sex can, and for many people should, exist in a healthy sex life. For those wanting to treat themselves, consider investing in sex toys from a body-safe shop like Spectrum Boutique, Unbound, or Peepshow Toys.
Consider an open relationship
Open relationships won’t be everyone’s cup of tea but they’re worth considering especially if mismatched libido is a persistent issue and causes tension in the relationship. One of our recent blog posts offers a guide for people considering an open relationship.
Say no
Everyone has the absolute, unquestionable right to say “no,” no questions asked. That being said, it might be beneficial for a relationship if when someone says no to sex, that they provide reassurance. This can help the person wanting sex to avoid feelings of undesirability or otherwise negative thoughts.
Explore non-sexual intimacy
Sometimes the desire for sex is rooted in a desire for physical touch. Even if one person involved in the relationship isn’t wanting sex, it’s worth having a conversation about how to incorporate other types of physical touch like cuddling or kissing routinely. It can increase feelings of intimacy and care without involving sex and this compromise can assuage the tension around mismatched libidos.
See a sex therapist
While there tends to be stigma around sex therapy, there shouldn’t be! Sex therapy, for either an individual or for partners, is a great resource, particularly if differences in libido persistently cause conflict in a relationship. Embrace Sexual Wellness offers individual, relationship and sex therapy so if you’re feeling like you need a facilitator to help you out, go for it. Investing in the wellness of yourself and your loved one(s) is essential to your happiness, regardless of whether that involves psychotherapy.
Desire discrepancy isn’t anyone’s fault. Try to practice some empathy and think about how your partner might feel in addition to you. And always remember: this issue, like all other relationship issues, isn’t one partner’s fault (and so on and so forth when there are more than two involved); it’s you all against the problem.
