Relationships

4 Important Subjects Netflix’s Sex Education Aced in Season Two

If you’re a sex nerd like me, you have undoubtedly been watching Sex Education, which just released its second season on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it, get to it! It’s a smart, charming series surrounding Otis Milburn, a teenager at an English high school, who uses the wisdom passed on from his sex therapist mother to help his classmates with a variety of sexual topics, in exchange for a small fee. As you can guess, it’s not always that simple and Otis must come to terms with his own sex life and all that comes with it. 

Season Two has featured many great, unheralded sexual topics through its cast of characters. These are the four topics I’m totally pumped they covered this season.

*Warning, spoilers ahead*

1. Sexual Trauma Episode Three

Aimee, the caring but often naïve classmate of Otis is riding the bus to school as she always does when a stranger publicly masturbates and ejaculates on her pants, causing her to get off the crowded bus. Thinking of it nothing more than an annoying way to ruin a great pair of jeans, her friend, Maeve, urges her to go to the police station and file a report. Once Aimee realizes that the situation she experienced was sexual assault, her attitude begins to change and symptoms of sexual trauma emerge. Aimee becomes terrified of the bus, repelled by physical touch, even with her partner, and confides in her friends for help.

With the prevalence of sexual assault affecting over 80% of women in their lifetime, talking about sexual trauma is more important than ever. It is also common for survivors of sexual trauma to experience physical symptoms such as difficulty sleeping, feeling disconnected from one’s body, loss of control, as well as increased depression and anxiety. Young women are particularly at risk, with current estimates indicating that 1 in 5 college-aged women will experience sexual harassment on campus. While the reality of these statistics is stark, it is important that survivors of sexual trauma can get connected with the care and resources they need. To learn more about how to support survivors, checkout the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline, and a local hotline. 

IMG_2043.GIF

2. Asexuality Episode Four

Florence, the a-bit-out-there star of the school production of Romeo and Juliet begins receiving pressure from her classmates to try to sleep with Jackson, the heart throb college bound jock turned thespian co-star. It is then that Florence realizes that she doesn’t just not want to have sex with Jackson, she doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. When she describes her feelings as “surrounded by a huge feast of everything I’ve wanted to eat, but I’m not hungry.” Dr. Milburn explains the concept of asexuality.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that refers to a person who does not experience sexual attraction. We are so glad that Sex Education is increasing the visibility of asexuality, particularly because asexuality can be misunderstood and underrepresented in media. People who identify as asexual may also experience romantic or sensual attraction. Sexuality exists on a continuum and there are nuances to what each individual may experience. To learn more about asexuality and the ACE community, checkout The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), the world’s largest online community providing wonderful resources on asexuality. 

IMG_2046.GIF

3. Douching Episode Six

When Anwar, the snobby but sexually vulnerable classmate of Otis, begins exploring anal sex with his boyfriend for the first time, he becomes anxious when he questions the cleanliness of his anus. He makes up an excuse to not proceed with the encounter, then asks Otis if he knows anything about how to douche.

Douching is the practice of cleansing and washing the body, in particular the genitals. The word douche, in French, means to shower -- a natural translation. Most commonly, people discuss the practice of vaginal or rectal or anal douching. Anal douching is commonly practiced to eliminate bacteria in the anus, which makes some people feel more comfortable before engaging in anal sex. Some experts warn against anal douching due to the possibility of injury and because certain cleansing agents can interfere with the electrolytes in the body by removing healthy intestinal flora that otherwise promote healthy gut health. If you are going to douche, make sure to educate yourself on the risks and engage in safety practices.

IMG_2093.GIF

4. Vaginismus Episode Eight

Finally, in the season finale, Ola and Lily have finally begun exploring their feelings for each other and attempt digital penetration. It is then when Lily reveals to Ola that she suffers from vaginismus, which makes her vagina “like a venus fly trap.”

‘Closing up like a venus fly trap’ may not be the best clinical description of vaginismus, but for some, the spasm-like response resonates. Vaginismus is defined as the recurrent or persistent involuntary contractions (spasm) of vaginal muscles that generally results in distress and pain during sex, specifically with any type of vaginal penetration. Sexuality education, pelvic floor physical therapy, and sex therapy can be effective treatment options for vaginismus. Vaginal dilators, which were also showcased in the episode, are often incorporated during pelvic floor physical therapy to help strengthen vaginal elasticity. While not thrilled that Lily was experiencing physical discomfort during sex, I am pleased to see that vaginismus is being brought to the forefront.

IMG_2045.GIF

I  love a show that normalizes very, well, normal sexual issues, behaviors, disorders and methods and brings them into the consciousness of the open public. Sex Education is not only funny, entertaining, sweet but also very accurate and important toward breaking sexual stigmas and learning how to talk about topics that affect us all. Way to go Netflix!

Becoming A We: 4 Ways To Shift Your Thinking To Thrive In Your Relationship

One of the challenges adults experience early on in an intimate partnership is establishing the ‘we’ in their relationship. When two single individuals have spent a great deal of time living and working independently, otherwise operating as a ‘me’, the path to discovering the ‘we’ can feel complicated. Even mundane decisions like household cleaning or figuring out whose family to visit for holidays require compromise. Especially if you’re someone who identifies as self-reliant or self-sufficient, it can sometimes feel like a major shift to depend on someone in an intimate way. Whether it be grieving a loss or sharing your fears, we know that the degree to which partners are able to be vulnerable with one another and hold a space for one another significantly influences the depth of intimacy they feel in their relationship. Keep these tips in mind as you reflect on developing the ‘we’ in your own relationship.

opening-up.jpeg

Opening up is hard to do…but so worth it.

What opportunities do you have to let your partner in? Take the chance to let your partner care for you when you aren’t feeling your best either physically or emotionally. Yes, you could probably take care of yourself (that’s the ‘me’ talking) and self care is important. However, letting your partner in by allowing them to care for you will help you deepen the intimacy you already have.

Discuss your visions for your future.

How do you envision your life moving forward with your significant other? What goals do you have as a couple? Developing shared dreams together can be a really intimate experience and is also a way for you each to stay connected to your passions.

calendar.jpg

Strive for balance.

When it comes to a daily-routine and your social life, which activities will you stay involved independently and in which ones will you include your partner? Maintaining friendships and hobbies that are important to you outside of your relationship is healthy, as is making time to spend together and grow as a couple. Exploring your expectations for how each of you want to spend your free time is one of the best ways to stay on target.

balance.jpeg

Create positive vibes at home.

Merging homes within a relationship can be a big step for many couples. Each of you likely have preferences about the way in which you keep your home, so creating space for each of your needs and hearing new ideas is an important process. When thinking about your home, consider, what do each of you need to feel relaxed and at peace?

hands.jpeg

Becoming a ‘we’ is an adjustment, especially if you’ve been a ‘me’ for quite some time. It’s also something that more than likely no one has ever taught you how to do before. Be patient with yourself and remember, therapy is always an option if you find yourself feeling stuck.

Dear Boomers, Please Stop the Pressure. Love, Millennials

As a psychotherapist working with individuals and couples across the lifespan, I often notice situations where people are in distress due to a conflict caused by generational influence. Lately, I have come to notice an association between stress amongst the millennial generation as it relates to generational attitudes. Millennials, individuals born between the years 1977-1995 (a.k.a. Generation Y), report experiencing significant pressure about how to speed up their lives, in particular in their relationships. When exploring the source of such pressure, parents and familial influence were identified as strong influences. Parents of millennials are likely to be a part of the baby boomer generation, individuals born between the years of 1946-1964. As every generation brings with them their experiences of critical events in history, they also have their own contemporary attitudes. It is not uncommon for parents to use their perspectives to teach their children how to navigate life’s challenges. Whether these challenges include acquiring jobs, commitment in relationships, significant purchases, building a family, etc., parents’ teachings are inherently based upon their own experiences and attitudes. This can become particularly challenging when there is a discrepancy between parents and their (adult) children. One millennial shares their understanding of the difference between generations…

“I think millennials feel the most pressure. It (the future) is on us because we want change. We stray from the boomer mindset of one for ourselves and think more openly about the collective. We’ve learned from the boomers, who really lead the way!”

Tasha, 30

Some believe their parents have good intentions yet separate motivations for building success…

“I think boomer parents try to pressure millennial children into the boxes they put themselves in to succeed…like the idea that you have to work for a corporation. Boomers saw jobs as security for their families whereas millennials don’t see money as the be-all end-all. We care about what we work for and want fulfillment in our daily jobs. The hardest part of our generation is the balance between security and personal fulfillment.”

Sarah, 30

father-and-son.jpg

Others share that they feel pressured to take their parents’ preference into account in making major decisions…

“We all want our parent’s approval, especially when it comes to the people we date. I think that family and other adults have put on pressure on me to date within the religion I was brought up in. Also, being someone in a relationship for over 3 years now, a lot of adults start to ask about engagements, marriage and kids just because it seems like a logical next step. I want to get my feet off the ground, I want to travel, gain a little life experience before settling down. It’s a different generation; the baby boomers were all married with kids before 30, I just don’t see the millennial generation going in that same trend. I think it’s important that you really know yourself and are truly ready before you commit to marriage or children.”

Danielle, 22

Another shares that they accept their parents’ attitudes are different than their own and have a mutual understanding of approaching life differently…

“My parents try to influence my dating decisions but it doesn't necessarily work. I understand that they're from a different time. They got engaged in college, married at 23 and had two kids by my age. They don't really understand our generation’s trepidation for marrying early, and that's okay. Would they prefer I settled down earlier? Of course. Are they happy I've taken my time to find the right person to eventually settle down with? Absolutely.”

Thomas, 28

How do you believe generational patterns influence you? Feel free to contribute your ideas and comment below.

phone.jpeg

**All participants’ names have been changed to protect their privacy in their quotes above.