Arousal Non-Concordance: It’s More Common Than You Would Think

Have you ever been having sex with someone and they exclaim “you’re so wet,” yet you don’t feel turned on at all? You are not alone.   

This is called arousal non-concordance and it is a common phenomenon, particularly among women. When we use the term ‘women’, we will be referring to people with vulvas because that is most consistent with the research; however, we know that arousal non-concordance affects people of all genders, including transgender, genderqueer, and non-binary folks, as well as intersex people. Emily Nagoski speaks about arousal non-concordance in her book Come As You Are, where she finds that there is about a 10 percent overlap between how women are responding to a situation and what stimuli they feel subjectively aroused by. This means that when a woman experiences lubrication, it does not automatically mean that they are aroused. For men however, Nagoski finds that there is a 50 percent overlap between genital response and subjective sexual arousal. 

Photo Credit: Emily Nagoski via Medium. Retrieved from: https://medium.com/@enagoski/unwanted-arousal-it-happens-29679a156b92

Types of Arousal

To begin we must differentiate between different types of arousal. According to the American Psychological Association, arousal is a state of excitement or energy expenditure linked to an emotion. Physiological arousal is arousal that is shown by physiological responses, such as increased blood flow to the genital area and increased heart rate. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, subjective sexual arousal is the active mental engagement in sex. It is important to differentiate these types of arousal when exploring arousal non-concordance. When physiological and subjective sexual arousal are not the same, arousal non-concordance occurs. 

So Why Am I Wet?

Wetness can be caused by a variety of factors. Genital lubrication is a natural part of your physiological functioning. Healthline explains that genital lubrication is essential to protect from injury or tearing. Furthermore, lubrication is a self-cleaning mechanism that keeps you or your partner’s vulva clean, moist, and free from infection. 

You can also become wet from touch even if you do not find it arousing. Bellesa shares that some women experience wetness during pelvic exams or even sexual assault. These situations can be uncomfortable, but they are simply a physiological reaction to touch rather than an indicator of sexual arousal. 

Becoming wet during uncomfortable experiences can be a sign that stimuli are sexually relevant, yet not appealing at all. Emily Nagoski, notes that some people get wet even when stimuli are “disgusting or appalling or horrifying.” This just means that the sexually relevant signals in your brain are being cued. A genital response is not desire or pleasure, it is simply sexually relevant.

Consent Is Key

Consent is always important and knowing that wetness does not equal arousal makes consent even more critical. You should always listen to your partner when they share what they are excited about and pay close attention to their words rather than rely on a response from their genitals. Make sure that you and your partners are only participating activities that you are comfortable with and have agreed upon. You can create healthy dialogue to figure out your needs and wants during any sexual interaction.

Remember that wetness or an erection does not mean the person is consenting, it could mean many things and you should never assume it means consent. Amy Frier, a sex therapist, explains this more in depth for men, if you want to learn more. 

It is important to note that this concept pertains to survivors of sexual assault as well. According to a rape crisis center in England, survivors of sexual assault are often told that they are not “true victims” because in cases where they produced a sexual physiological response, such as becoming wet during the assault.  Knowing that vaginal lubrication does not mean a person is aroused completely destroys this argument and should be noted in the future when issues of sexual assault are talked about. 

Aroused But Can’t Get Wet? Here Are Some Things You Can Do

1. Use Lube!

2. Remember the Clitoris 

3. Masturbate - You know your body best and can learn what stimulation you enjoy from solo sex. 

More Than Sex

Arousal non-concordance does not only have to do with genitals. Nagoski explains that when faced with an emotionally intense scenario, you are experiencing a physiological response and your reaction primarily has to do with the emotion of the stimuli, not the exact stimuli itself. Nagoski discussed this in her Ted Talk by sharing, “Arousal non-concordance happens with every emotional and motivational system we have. If my mouth waters when I bite into a wormy apple, does anybody say to me, you said no, but your body said yes?” Through this, she is allowing the listener to understand that non-concordance happens in all aspects of our physiological lives and is completely normal.

A 2012 study suggests that while men experience more concordance in sexual behaviors than women do, this does not translate to all physiological states. Simply speaking, the difference in sexual concordance does not translate to a difference with non-sexual arousal concordance, we all experience arousal non-concordance on similar levels. 

At the end of the day the important thing to remember is this: genital wetness does not automatically mean that you or your partners are aroused, it just means you are being exposed to sexually relevant stimuli.

Happy Masturbation Awareness Month! Here’s Why You Should Celebrate…

If you’re not a sexpert like myself, you may not have known that May is Masturbation Awareness Month. While International Masturbation Day is May 28th, we dedicate the entire month to awareness and celebration of a scintillatingly enjoyable and anatomically natural form of pleasure that we think very highly of. This year’s celebration couldn’t come at a better time as many around the world find themselves with lots of alone time and less access to sexual partners. While there are many great reasons to masturbate this month (and every month), here are a few of our favorites.

It’s the Safest Form of Sex Right Now

This may go without saying, but having solo sex is the safest way to prevent sexually transmitted infections and, especially right now, viruses. We were recently interviewed by USA Today for saying so. Now, we’re not saying avoid sex with a trusted partner you live or are quarantining with. However, if you’re not living with a sexual partner, masturbation is the safest way to go to scratch that itch for pleasure while keeping a safe social distance. Just make sure you clean up your toys if you’re bringing them to the party.

It Helps with Sexual Functioning and Disease Prevention

There are some unintended, but potentially life changing, benefits of masturbating from a health and wellness standpoint. Research suggests that vibrator use, a major activity in masturbation for vulva owners, may lead to more positive sexual functioning and lead to a person being more proactive about their sexual health. For penis owners, research also suggests that more frequent ejaculation can help reduce the risk of prostate cancer. There has also been research suggesting that masturbation has therapeutic potential to fight certain cardiovascular diseases. 

It Activates Hormones in the Brain that Promote Happiness

Masturbation (orgasm specifically) has been known to be involved in the release of oxytocin and dopamine in the brain, known as the “happiness” and “love” hormone, respectively. As is explained in the Indian Journal of Endocrinology and Metabolism, oxytocin development begins right before pregnancy, continues during birth and later, travels throughout the entire body, triggering, or modulating a full range of physiological functions and emotions: happiness, attraction, love, and affection. The same hormones that are activated when experiencing happiness, love and affection are also activated during orgasm.

However you choose to celebrate Masturbation Awareness Month, make sure to do it safely and don’t forget to enjoy yourself! Be sure to visit our website for suggestions about our favorite pleasure-enhancing stories and devices.

4 Important Subjects Netflix’s Sex Education Aced in Season Two

If you’re a sex nerd like me, you have undoubtedly been watching Sex Education, which just released its second season on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it, get to it! It’s a smart, charming series surrounding Otis Milburn, a teenager at an English high school, who uses the wisdom passed on from his sex therapist mother to help his classmates with a variety of sexual topics, in exchange for a small fee. As you can guess, it’s not always that simple and Otis must come to terms with his own sex life and all that comes with it. 

Season Two has featured many great, unheralded sexual topics through its cast of characters. These are the four topics I’m totally pumped they covered this season.

*Warning, spoilers ahead*

1. Sexual Trauma Episode Three

Aimee, the caring but often naïve classmate of Otis is riding the bus to school as she always does when a stranger publicly masturbates and ejaculates on her pants, causing her to get off the crowded bus. Thinking of it nothing more than an annoying way to ruin a great pair of jeans, her friend, Maeve, urges her to go to the police station and file a report. Once Aimee realizes that the situation she experienced was sexual assault, her attitude begins to change and symptoms of sexual trauma emerge. Aimee becomes terrified of the bus, repelled by physical touch, even with her partner, and confides in her friends for help.

With the prevalence of sexual assault affecting over 80% of women in their lifetime, talking about sexual trauma is more important than ever. It is also common for survivors of sexual trauma to experience physical symptoms such as difficulty sleeping, feeling disconnected from one’s body, loss of control, as well as increased depression and anxiety. Young women are particularly at risk, with current estimates indicating that 1 in 5 college-aged women will experience sexual harassment on campus. While the reality of these statistics is stark, it is important that survivors of sexual trauma can get connected with the care and resources they need. To learn more about how to support survivors, checkout the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline, and a local hotline. 

2. Asexuality Episode Four

Florence, the a-bit-out-there star of the school production of Romeo and Juliet begins receiving pressure from her classmates to try to sleep with Jackson, the heart throb college bound jock turned thespian co-star. It is then that Florence realizes that she doesn’t just not want to have sex with Jackson, she doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. When she describes her feelings as “surrounded by a huge feast of everything I’ve wanted to eat, but I’m not hungry.” Dr. Milburn explains the concept of asexuality.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation that refers to a person who does not experience sexual attraction. We are so glad that Sex Education is increasing the visibility of asexuality, particularly because asexuality can be misunderstood and underrepresented in media. People who identify as asexual may also experience romantic or sensual attraction. Sexuality exists on a continuum and there are nuances to what each individual may experience. To learn more about asexuality and the ACE community, checkout The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), the world’s largest online community providing wonderful resources on asexuality. 

3. Douching Episode Six

When Anwar, the snobby but sexually vulnerable classmate of Otis, begins exploring anal sex with his boyfriend for the first time, he becomes anxious when he questions the cleanliness of his anus. He makes up an excuse to not proceed with the encounter, then asks Otis if he knows anything about how to douche.

Douching is the practice of cleansing and washing the body, in particular the genitals. The word douche, in French, means to shower -- a natural translation. Most commonly, people discuss the practice of vaginal or rectal or anal douching. Anal douching is commonly practiced to eliminate bacteria in the anus, which makes some people feel more comfortable before engaging in anal sex. Some experts warn against anal douching due to the possibility of injury and because certain cleansing agents can interfere with the electrolytes in the body by removing healthy intestinal flora that otherwise promote healthy gut health. If you are going to douche, make sure to educate yourself on the risks and engage in safety practices.

4. Vaginismus Episode Eight

Finally, in the season finale, Ola and Lily have finally begun exploring their feelings for each other and attempt digital penetration. It is then when Lily reveals to Ola that she suffers from vaginismus, which makes her vagina “like a venus fly trap.”

‘Closing up like a venus fly trap’ may not be the best clinical description of vaginismus, but for some, the spasm-like response resonates. Vaginismus is defined as the recurrent or persistent involuntary contractions (spasm) of vaginal muscles that generally results in distress and pain during sex, specifically with any type of vaginal penetration. Sexuality education, pelvic floor physical therapy, and sex therapy can be effective treatment options for vaginismus. Vaginal dilators, which were also showcased in the episode, are often incorporated during pelvic floor physical therapy to help strengthen vaginal elasticity. While not thrilled that Lily was experiencing physical discomfort during sex, I am pleased to see that vaginismus is being brought to the forefront.

I  love a show that normalizes very, well, normal sexual issues, behaviors, disorders and methods and brings them into the consciousness of the open public. Sex Education is not only funny, entertaining, sweet but also very accurate and important toward breaking sexual stigmas and learning how to talk about topics that affect us all. Way to go Netflix!