Physical Intimacy After Sexual Trauma

Content warning: discussion of trauma and sexual assault

Sexual trauma is one of the most harrowing experiences someone can go through and unfortunately, it’s far too common. Sexual trauma can be caused by any kind of non-consensual sexual experience; including rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment, and childhood molestation. Given that trauma is subjective, it is up to the individual to determine how to define their experience. On average, there are 450,000+ survivors of rape and sexual assault every year in the United States, a number which is likely underreported. Survivors of sexual trauma frequently struggle with PTSD and are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol to cope. Experiencing sexual trauma has the potential to upend someone’s entire life, not least of all their sex life. Trauma responses can range from sex repulsion to hyper-sexuality. There is no one timeline or coping strategy that will work for every survivor of sexual assault so the most important part is to respect one’s own boundaries and to move at a pace that feels comfortable. There’s no obligation to return to consensual sex but for those who want that, healing is possible, even if it is sometimes challenging. 

Common obstacles to resuming consensual intimacy may include negative body image, flashbacks, and PTSD. If it’s accessible to you, work with a trauma informed therapist to facilitate your healing process. Embrace Sexual Wellness offers therapy to address sexual trauma concerns and you can learn more about our services here. In the meanwhile, the following tips and resources can assist your healing process. 

General Tips

• Identify your specific triggers and boundaries to understand what your healing process should work to address

• Move at your own pace

• Explore intimacy solo before partnered 

• Test out different coping mechanisms for trauma healing such as talk therapy, mindfulness, and medication 

• Reassociate intimacy, touch, and sensuality with positive connotations

• When returning to partnered intimacy, be in constant communication

Body Image 

• If your body image has been affected by sexual trauma, it may put you at risk for self-harm or disregard for your own safety so it is vital to address as soon as possible

• Surround yourself online and in real life with a diverse community of body positive or body neutral people, especially on social media

• Understand that you deserve peace and to feel worthy. You deserve self-compassion

• Resources

  • Health At Every Size Community Resources 

  • My Body Back

  • The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

  • Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving by Betty Dodson

Flashbacks/PTSD

• Test out different coping strategies for flashbacks to see what works for you; if you have access to a mental health professional, develop coping strategies in conjunction with them 

  • Try grounding strategies 

  • Talk it out

  • Try mindfulness exercises

• Remember that healing is not linear and there is no wrong way to heal 

• Seek out therapy. If it’s not accessible to you, check out our mental health resource roundup

• Avoid drugs and alcohol

• Acknowledge small victories

• Resources

  • Flashbacks | RAINN

  • Flashbacks - Herts Rape Crisis and Sexual Abuse Centre

  • Survivor Network - Flashbacks

  • Post-Traumatic Stress and Sexual Trauma

  • Flashbacks during Sex

  • How My Partner Reacted When I Had a Flashback While We Were Having Sex 

Reintroducing Intimacy

• Start out by working up to solo intimacy. This could be a warm bath, taking sensual photos, reading erotica, and/or masturbation, along with anything else you might want to try

• Determine your triggers and boundaries and communicate them to partner(s) when applicable

• Have an emergency plan in case you become triggered in everyday life or during sex to calm down and prevent from spiraling 

• What feels pleasurable might change after sexual trauma. Remain flexible in your thinking about what pleasurable intimacy looks like

• When attempting partnered intimacy, constantly communicate with your partner(s) about how you feel, what feels good, boundaries, and whether you want to keep going

• Resources

  • Developing Hot + Healthy Intimacy After Sexual Trauma 

  • Reclaiming Sex and Romance After Assault 

  • Sex After Sexual Assault: A Guide for When It’s Tough

  • A Guide For Survivors Of Sexual Harm

  • Having Healthy Sex after Sexual Assault

Reclaiming Sexuality

• Masturbation can aid in reclaiming a sense of control and ability to experience sexual pleasure

• Both hypo- and hypersexuality are normative post-trauma responses 

• Read articles and books to guide you through reclaiming your sexuality. Good book options include 

  • The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

  • Dear Sister: Letters from Survivors of Sexual Violence edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers

  • The Rape Recover Handbook: Step by Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite T. Matsakis

  • The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz

  • Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines 

• Talk about shame, obstacles, concerns, and intimacy through with a consenting friend or, ideally, a mental health professional

• Be patient and kind to yourself

• Resources

  • Reclaiming My Eroticism After Sexual Assault

  • Reclaiming Sexuality and Desire 

  • How I Took Back My Power After Experiencing Sexual Trauma

Regardless of your experience or post-trauma response, you deserve to heal, reclaim your sexuality, and enjoy sex again (if you enjoyed sex pre-trauma). Your experience is valid and please give yourself grace as you navigate the complex feelings associated with healing trauma. Build your support network, read up on healing strategies, and be patient. If you’ve tried healing on your own and you need more support, contact us for trauma-informed therapy.

Understanding the Minority Stress Model

One’s identities (race, gender, religion, and more) and their according privilege or lack thereof affect how they are treated in society. Those who belong to marginalized groups such the LGBTQ+ community and BIPOC communities, for example, are at risk for experiencing minority stress. The minority stress model is a theory that provides insight into the relationship between minoritized/marginalized and dominant groups that result in a contentious social environment for the minority group members. 

The first person to coin the term was Dr. Virginia Rae Brooks in her book, Minority Stress and Lesbian Women in 1981. Ilan Meyer’s 2003 study, Prejudice, Social Stress, and Mental Health in Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Populations advanced Brooks’ research. Beyond this study, there are dozens of additional studies providing the existence of minority stress. The contentious social environment, especially prejudice and discrimination, has detrimental effects on the wellbeing of minority group members. The five types of minority stress are victimization, discrimination, heteronormative cultural norms, stereotyping and prejudice, and systematic bias. These ongoing stressors are what cause the detrimental effects of minority stress as a whole. It’s important to note that minority stress is distinct from general stress, which everyone can experience. Unlike general stress, minority stress is chronic and socially-based. The overarching social structures that create prejudice and discrimination in the first place are staples of society which means they are unending and inescapable.

Intersectional theory demands that we are, among other things, context specific. This means that people and, in the context of therapy, patients all have different needs, access, and privilege that all need to be taken into account when assessing one’s stress levels. There are a variety of theories about integrating treatment strategies to specifically target minority stress. 

One such theory is the ESTEEM model which aims to address mental, sexual, and behavioral health needs. It’s important to note that the study underlying the ESTEEM model was done on sexual minority men so while the information it generated is important, the research scope was limited. The ESTEEM model includes ten treatment modules to be conducted in one-on-one settings that range from tracking instances of minority stress in a patient’s life, discussing learned emotional responses and consequences of minority stress, and exploring the concept of emotion avoidance and emotion-driven behaviors. 

Minority stress is vital to understand for the general population and healthcare practitioners alike. The day to day effects of minority stress have significant effects on wellbeing and health which needs to be taken into account when assessing various health problems that may arise. While minority stress is unavoidable, there are self-care and professional treatment options to help work through its effects. If you’d like to speak with a professional therapist, contact the ESW team here.

Healing Through Kink

Content warning: discussion of trauma and sexual assault

Kink is the broad phrase that refers to any non-traditional sex, traditional meaning heterosexual, monogamous intercourse without a non-normative fantasy or desire involved. Everything from roleplay to bondage to power exchange and beyond is a form of kink. All sorts of people engage in kink for a number of reasons. Kink can absolutely be done solely for pleasure but for some, kink is a tool for healing trauma. It’s not a replacement for mental healthcare but it can be used to supplement that process. Kink offers a safe, controlled context for sexual trauma survivors to reclaim sexual confidence and comfort. While sexual trauma like assault is a non-consensual seizure of power and dominance, power exchange in a safe, kinky setting can be a consensual, healthy practice to reframe sexual trauma. Kink centers and emphasizes communication and consent which are vital tenets of any healthy sex.

Oftentimes, the appeal of kink for sexual assault survivors is the opportunity to feel empowered, respected, and safe. Not everyone will find kink healing because trauma and the ensuing healing process is highly personal. Including kink in that process is one of many power reclamation strategies. In order to be healing though, it’s important that kink is being practiced in a healthy, consensual, communicative way. Furthermore, just because kink may involve physical pain or name calling, does not equate it with self-harm. This excerpt from Dr. Joe Kort explains this further in a quote from A Beautiful Perspective: 

“self-harm breaks relationship contracts, puts yourself at risk for real harm from others or one’s self, and doesn’t stay within boundaries of physical and psychological safety… When you engage in healthy ways, you talk openly and honestly at length with the person you are going to engage with in kink, fetish or BDSM play. You have a safe word, you stop when you don’t feel safe or comfortable, and the feelings are pleasurable and enjoyable and not shame-based.” 

Kink, especially that which includes inflicting pain, not only provides the physical catharsis facilitated by pain, but also allows the recipient to be in control of the pain so they can explore those sensations safely. Focusing on intense physical sensation can be a grounding experience that allows the stresses of the real world to momentarily cease. These positive aspects can only be attained when kink is practiced consensually, safely, and transparently.

Safety and communication are key aspects of kink regardless of the context but they are all the more important when it’s being used as an outlet to heal trauma. For those interested in trying kink, especially in a therapeutic capacity, you may consider hiring a sex worker. This will allow for the most controlled environment possible to try exactly what you’re interested in.

Before delving into any kinky endeavor, it’s vital to do your research. Neglecting to do so poses significant risks to everyone involved. Below are some resources for practicing safer kink. 

• Communication 

  • How to talk about kink with new partners 

  • Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships

  • What is a safe word?  

  • Kink + Safety: What You Need to Know

• Physical Safety

  • Choking Etiquette 101 

  • What Is BDSM? Fundamentals, Types and Roles 

  • Erotic Asphyxiation: 10 Things to Know About Safe Breath Play

  • A Beginner's Guide to Impact Play 

• Consent and Boundaries

  • Kink Boundaries and Interests 

  • What Kink Can Teach Us About Consent

• Kink as a therapeutic outlet

  • Healing Through BDSM 

  • BSDM Can Provide Profound Healing Experiences 

  • Kink as a Form of Sex Therapy

  • Experimenting-with-kink-helps-my-emotional-healing 

  • How-submission-transformed-my-trauma 

  • Can Exploring in Bed Be a Potential Nightmare for Sexual Violence Survivors? 

• Kink in general 

  • RACK(Risk Aware Consensual Kink): A Realistic Alternative to SSC 

  • RACK: The Risk Acceptable Safety Mantra

  • Emerson (@thekinkeducator)

  • The Boundary Between Abuse and BDSM 

Therapeutic kink isn’t for everyone, but there’s nothing wrong with it either. There is nothing wrong with two adults consensually exploring kinky catharsis. Make sure to do your research, openly communicate, and understand your own boundaries. Kink is not a replacement for traditional trauma therapies but it can absolutely be part of the process.