5 Tips for Effective Communication in Marriage

Marriage takes work. There’s always room for improvement and that starts with clear, honest communication. Strong communication is one of the tenets of any healthy relationship. Like most things worth doing though, it can be challenging. Here are five tips for effective communication in a marriage. 

1. Be proactive in getting your needs met. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and in order to have a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship, you must consistently check in to make sure that needs are being met. The longer it’s drawn out or avoided, all the more likely that resentment will grow and the topic at hand becomes that much more difficult to address.

2. Speak from the “I” perspective. You can only speak from your own experience. Using the “I” perspective helps avoid coming across as attacking someone and they may get defensive.  

3. Avoid making assumptions. It can be easy to get caught up in our own feelings, especially when they’re intense, and sometimes that leads to making unfair assumptions about someone’s intentions or behaviors. Assumptions present an additional obstacle to productive communication because before the to

4. Make yourself a safe person to criticize or say no to. If your partner(s) fear retribution or a negative reaction from you as a result of receiving constructive feedback or being told no, they may be disincentivized to consistently communicate. It’s okay to be upset or have negative feelings, but it’s not okay to take it out on your partner.

5. Seek couples therapy if you feel stuck. If you struggle to figure out how to communicate effectively, or if you end up in a stalemate despite your best efforts, therapists like those at Embrace Sexual Wellness can be great facilitators for improved communication.

Communication is hard so try not to get discouraged if you’re struggling with it. Give yourself and your partner(s) the grace to make mistakes and to not get it right on the first try every time. For previous Embrace Sexual Wellness articles on communication, you can check here and here. 

Additional resources 

• Top 5 Communication Exercises for Couples to Grow Closer

• Communication in marriage is a skill you can learn

• Communication Exercises to Improve Your Relationship

The 4 Attachment Styles in Relationships

Attachment styles are how each of us reacts to our needs and how we get them met. They are established in early childhood through various experiences that then influence and produce similar patterns throughout one’s entire life. The four types are secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. It’s important to note that while these labels provide helpful guides to understanding yourself and others, they might not fit perfectly and they are not a rigid, unflinching analyses of one’s behavior and mindset.

Secure 

Secure adults tend to feel secure in their relationships, as the name might suggest. Their relationships are often honest, open, and independent. As children, secure adults likely had a caregiver who served as a reliable figure as they tested independence. This feeling of security in the relationship allows for independence and connectedness simultaneously. They tend to hold a positive self-image and positive image of others.

Anxious-Preoccupied 

Anxious-preoccupied attachments are defined by uncertainty in relationships, which often means that instead of love and trust, someone is in a frequent state of emotional hunger. Emotional hunger is a “condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness.” Instead of an equitable relationship, anxious attachment adults seek a feeling of security by trying to find a partner to complete or rescue them. Despite this desire, they may exhibit behaviors that push away the people they love which are often motivated by fear and insecurity. They tend to have a negative self-image and positive image of others. 

Dismissive-Avoidant

Dismissive-avoidant attached adults may be emotionally distant and attempt to “parent” themselves. They keep loved ones at an arm’s length and respond to stressors by shutting down. They tend to have a positive self-image and negative image of others. 

Fearful-Avoidant

Fearful-avoidant attachments exist in a state of limbo, simultaneously fearful of being too close to and too distant from others. Their volatility gets in the way of intimacy, and clouds their ability to let others in. Their moods are overwhelming and unpredictable. They may have a negative self-image and negative image of others. 

Learning more about yourself and your partner(s) is always helpful for understanding each other. When you can identify your behavioral tendencies, and can communicate them to the people around you, it is easier to get along and have greater insight into one another’s mindsets. If you’re concerned about your attachment style, consider making an appointment with a therapist at Embrace Sexual Wellness. 

Learn more about attachment styles 

• The Different Types of Attachment Styles 

• How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship | Psychology Today 

• The Four Attachment Styles of Love 

• Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process

• Attachment Styles, View of Self and Negative Affect

• Which of These Four Attachment Styles Is Yours? - Scientific American 

• Attached by Amir Levine 

• The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen

3 Tips for Disclosing Your HIV/AIDS Status to a Partner

December 1st 1988 was the first ever World AIDS Day. Today marks the 33 year anniversary of this observance, and yet the stigma surrounding HIV/AIDS remains present as ever. This stigma fuels a shame-based culture in which it becomes difficult for people with HIV/AIDS to disclose their status without fear of retribution. That being said, it is ethically important to inform sexual and/or romantic partners of pertinent medical information that has the potential to affect them. This applies to HIV/AIDS among other sexually transmitted infections and any contagious conditions. Without everyone being on the same page about everyone’s health status, it’s difficult to ensure proper safety precautions are being taken and that everyone’s boundaries are being respected. In addition to moral implications of disclosure, 35 states have laws that criminalize neglecting to disclose HIV/AIDS status with sexual partners and/or anyone sharing needles. It is undoubtedly important to disclose, but the prospect of doing so can be intimidating for fear of rejection, violence, and judgment from the listening party. Here are some ways to make that conversation as easy as possible when disclosing your status to your partner(s).

Source: https://news.delaware.gov/2018/11/30/delaware-events-mark-world-aids-day-dec-1-2018/

1. Be specific and straightforward

• Make sure to disclose the status of the infection including what it is, the definition of the condition, and what, if anything, you need from the other person in terms of support

• If it would be helpful, you can disclose with the help of your doctor or therapist 

2. Plan ahead for all possible reactions

• Make sure you have support systems and coping mechanisms in place to navigate the possibility of an adverse reaction

• Speak to a therapist and/or have the disclosure discussion with a counselor or therapist

• Respect the needs of the recipient for their processing of the news

• While you should respect the needs of the other person, make sure you know what you need in terms of emotional regulation and allow yourself the grace to feel negative emotions if they come up 

3. Come prepared with educational and safety resources about the relevant health status

• When discussing a condition with a risk of transmission, one of the first concerns that comes to mind is the health and safety of everyone involved. A good way to navigate the fear is to make sure everyone involved in the conversation has the resources and support they need.

  • Resources for someone living with HIV/AIDS

    • Ryan White HIV/AIDS Program

      “The Ryan White HIV/AIDS Program works with cities, states, and local community-based organizations. The Program provides primary medical care and essential support services to more than half a million people each year. Through the Program, people living with HIV who have no insurance or are underinsured can get the HIV medical care and other support services they need.” 

    • CDC “Sharing Your Test Result” 

    • Send an anonymous STD test notification to sexual partners 
      This is a good option to inform casual or past partners, but in a serious relationship, it’s probably better to discuss it in person to navigate the implications for the relationship

  • Resources for someone who has a loved one living with HIV/AIDS  

    • CDC HIV prevention tips  

    • Living with an HIV Positive Partner (Flo Health)

    • AIDS | Definition, Diagnosis, Treatment, & Facts

Living with any chronic illness like HIV/AIDS is difficult in many ways, disclosure being just one of them. Hopefully these resources prove helpful in easing the process. Regarding HIV/AIDS specifically, though there’s no cure, a diagnosis is not the end of the world. It can be managed with medication such as antiretroviral therapies and safer sex practices. Disclosing your status to the people in your life not only keeps them informed of any potential implications for their health, but they can also be a shoulder to lean on.