3 Tips for Disclosing Your HIV/AIDS Status to a Partner

December 1st 1988 was the first ever World AIDS Day. Today marks the 33 year anniversary of this observance, and yet the stigma surrounding HIV/AIDS remains present as ever. This stigma fuels a shame-based culture in which it becomes difficult for people with HIV/AIDS to disclose their status without fear of retribution. That being said, it is ethically important to inform sexual and/or romantic partners of pertinent medical information that has the potential to affect them. This applies to HIV/AIDS among other sexually transmitted infections and any contagious conditions. Without everyone being on the same page about everyone’s health status, it’s difficult to ensure proper safety precautions are being taken and that everyone’s boundaries are being respected. In addition to moral implications of disclosure, 35 states have laws that criminalize neglecting to disclose HIV/AIDS status with sexual partners and/or anyone sharing needles. It is undoubtedly important to disclose, but the prospect of doing so can be intimidating for fear of rejection, violence, and judgment from the listening party. Here are some ways to make that conversation as easy as possible when disclosing your status to your partner(s).

Source: https://news.delaware.gov/2018/11/30/delaware-events-mark-world-aids-day-dec-1-2018/

1. Be specific and straightforward

• Make sure to disclose the status of the infection including what it is, the definition of the condition, and what, if anything, you need from the other person in terms of support

• If it would be helpful, you can disclose with the help of your doctor or therapist 

2. Plan ahead for all possible reactions

• Make sure you have support systems and coping mechanisms in place to navigate the possibility of an adverse reaction

• Speak to a therapist and/or have the disclosure discussion with a counselor or therapist

• Respect the needs of the recipient for their processing of the news

• While you should respect the needs of the other person, make sure you know what you need in terms of emotional regulation and allow yourself the grace to feel negative emotions if they come up 

3. Come prepared with educational and safety resources about the relevant health status

• When discussing a condition with a risk of transmission, one of the first concerns that comes to mind is the health and safety of everyone involved. A good way to navigate the fear is to make sure everyone involved in the conversation has the resources and support they need.

  • Resources for someone living with HIV/AIDS

    • Ryan White HIV/AIDS Program

      “The Ryan White HIV/AIDS Program works with cities, states, and local community-based organizations. The Program provides primary medical care and essential support services to more than half a million people each year. Through the Program, people living with HIV who have no insurance or are underinsured can get the HIV medical care and other support services they need.” 

    • CDC “Sharing Your Test Result” 

    • Send an anonymous STD test notification to sexual partners 
      This is a good option to inform casual or past partners, but in a serious relationship, it’s probably better to discuss it in person to navigate the implications for the relationship

  • Resources for someone who has a loved one living with HIV/AIDS  

    • CDC HIV prevention tips  

    • Living with an HIV Positive Partner (Flo Health)

    • AIDS | Definition, Diagnosis, Treatment, & Facts

Living with any chronic illness like HIV/AIDS is difficult in many ways, disclosure being just one of them. Hopefully these resources prove helpful in easing the process. Regarding HIV/AIDS specifically, though there’s no cure, a diagnosis is not the end of the world. It can be managed with medication such as antiretroviral therapies and safer sex practices. Disclosing your status to the people in your life not only keeps them informed of any potential implications for their health, but they can also be a shoulder to lean on.

Inviting Your Partner to Family Holiday Gatherings

The holiday season is quickly approaching and with it comes time to figure out how to spend the holidays. For those with partners, this means figuring out if you’re spending the holidays together and if so, where and with whom. Depending on the stage of the relationship this conversation will look different. Obviously, at the end of the day, it will entirely depend on the context of the relationship and the family dynamics at play. Depending on where your relationship is, there are important questions and topics to consider when making these decisions.  

If you’re trying to figure out if introducing your partner and family is appropriate at all, you should spend time thinking over the following:  

• If you haven’t already, establish where everyone involved sees the relationship going to make sure you’re on the same page of seriousness regarding the relationship 

• Discuss which holidays are most meaningful for each of you 

• Talk to your family and see what holidays are most meaningful for them, as well as the level of their desire to meet your partner 

• If neither of you have met any of each others’ family yet, consider whether a context like the holidays with the potential to be chaotic and overwhelming is a comfortable context to introduce a new partner 

If you’re trying to figure out which holidays to spend where, you should spend time thinking about these things:  

• Do you differ in which holidays are significant to your families? How do you respectively traditionally spend your holidays and how much, if any, crossover do you have?

• How do your respective relationships with your families come into play? What will the impact be on your relationships with them based on which holidays you spend with them? 

• Is there any flexibility in when you celebrate the holidays? For instance, could you spend Christmas with one family, and then have a “second Christmas” with the other family? 

• How much are you willing to compromise? Is there risk of resentment associated with certain choices regarding the holidays? 

To whatever extent you’re able, step outside the confines of familial expectations and think about what you each want to do. When you understand which parts of the holidays are important to yourselves, you can begin to compromise and make sure everyone’s needs are met. This is a collaboration and while there’s a potential for stress around a sensitive subject, you get to navigate this together. It’s okay to run into conflict, just remember that you’re on the same team and want the same thing: to have a happy holiday season.

Navigating Asexual/Allosexual Relationships

Asexuality is an umbrella term for a sexual orientation spectrum unified by the lack of experiencing sexual attraction towards other people. As opposed to celibacy which is a choice to abstain from sex, asexuality is intrinsic like any other sexual orientation. A lack of sexual attraction does not always inherently mean that someone does not experience other forms of attraction like romantic, aesthetic, or sensual. Like any other identity, the way asexuality manifests will vary from individual to individual. Some asexual people still enjoy the act of sex, while others are sex-repulsed. Furthermore, asexuality may be coupled with any type of romantic attraction but not always. Asexuality is a completely valid sexuality and is not to be confused with any dysfunction or fundamental lacking. Being that some asexual people still experience romantic attraction, it’s likely that not every person they will be romantically attracted to will also be asexual. This difference in sexual orientation  has the potential to cause friction in a relationship if it’s not explicitly and intentionally addressed. Here are some ideas for broaching this topic with your partner.

It’s vital for the allosexual (non-asexual) partner(s) to keep in mind that asexuality, like any other sexual orientation, is not a choice. It is never okay to lash out at an asexual person for something they cannot control. Remember, approach this as you and your partner(s) against the problem, not you versus one another. The problem is the mismatch in needs, not the asexual person’s orientation. 

• Evaluate the tangible sexual needs of all partner(s). Before being able to figure out how to make sure everyone’s needs are being fulfilled, you need to understand what those needs are. In Embrace Sexual Wellness’s blog article, “How to Determine and Communicate Boundaries in Relationships” you can find ways to discover and communicate your needs.

• Brainstorm solutions outside of the box. Consider options like ethical non-monogamy, scheduled sex for a guaranteed frequency (if the asexual partner is open to having sex), and nurturing other types of intimacy. 

• Remember, this  can be a tricky situation to navigate for anyone. There is no shame in seeking out help from professionals like the clinicians at Embrace Sexual Wellness. A third party can facilitate a more productive, effective conversation which may be the jumpstart you and your partner(s) need to tackle this challenge.