Inviting Your Partner to Family Holiday Gatherings

The holiday season is quickly approaching and with it comes time to figure out how to spend the holidays. For those with partners, this means figuring out if you’re spending the holidays together and if so, where and with whom. Depending on the stage of the relationship this conversation will look different. Obviously, at the end of the day, it will entirely depend on the context of the relationship and the family dynamics at play. Depending on where your relationship is, there are important questions and topics to consider when making these decisions.  

If you’re trying to figure out if introducing your partner and family is appropriate at all, you should spend time thinking over the following:  

• If you haven’t already, establish where everyone involved sees the relationship going to make sure you’re on the same page of seriousness regarding the relationship 

• Discuss which holidays are most meaningful for each of you 

• Talk to your family and see what holidays are most meaningful for them, as well as the level of their desire to meet your partner 

• If neither of you have met any of each others’ family yet, consider whether a context like the holidays with the potential to be chaotic and overwhelming is a comfortable context to introduce a new partner 

If you’re trying to figure out which holidays to spend where, you should spend time thinking about these things:  

• Do you differ in which holidays are significant to your families? How do you respectively traditionally spend your holidays and how much, if any, crossover do you have?

• How do your respective relationships with your families come into play? What will the impact be on your relationships with them based on which holidays you spend with them? 

• Is there any flexibility in when you celebrate the holidays? For instance, could you spend Christmas with one family, and then have a “second Christmas” with the other family? 

• How much are you willing to compromise? Is there risk of resentment associated with certain choices regarding the holidays? 

To whatever extent you’re able, step outside the confines of familial expectations and think about what you each want to do. When you understand which parts of the holidays are important to yourselves, you can begin to compromise and make sure everyone’s needs are met. This is a collaboration and while there’s a potential for stress around a sensitive subject, you get to navigate this together. It’s okay to run into conflict, just remember that you’re on the same team and want the same thing: to have a happy holiday season.

Navigating Asexual/Allosexual Relationships

Asexuality is an umbrella term for a sexual orientation spectrum unified by the lack of experiencing sexual attraction towards other people. As opposed to celibacy which is a choice to abstain from sex, asexuality is intrinsic like any other sexual orientation. A lack of sexual attraction does not always inherently mean that someone does not experience other forms of attraction like romantic, aesthetic, or sensual. Like any other identity, the way asexuality manifests will vary from individual to individual. Some asexual people still enjoy the act of sex, while others are sex-repulsed. Furthermore, asexuality may be coupled with any type of romantic attraction but not always. Asexuality is a completely valid sexuality and is not to be confused with any dysfunction or fundamental lacking. Being that some asexual people still experience romantic attraction, it’s likely that not every person they will be romantically attracted to will also be asexual. This difference in sexual orientation  has the potential to cause friction in a relationship if it’s not explicitly and intentionally addressed. Here are some ideas for broaching this topic with your partner.

It’s vital for the allosexual (non-asexual) partner(s) to keep in mind that asexuality, like any other sexual orientation, is not a choice. It is never okay to lash out at an asexual person for something they cannot control. Remember, approach this as you and your partner(s) against the problem, not you versus one another. The problem is the mismatch in needs, not the asexual person’s orientation. 

• Evaluate the tangible sexual needs of all partner(s). Before being able to figure out how to make sure everyone’s needs are being fulfilled, you need to understand what those needs are. In Embrace Sexual Wellness’s blog article, “How to Determine and Communicate Boundaries in Relationships” you can find ways to discover and communicate your needs.

• Brainstorm solutions outside of the box. Consider options like ethical non-monogamy, scheduled sex for a guaranteed frequency (if the asexual partner is open to having sex), and nurturing other types of intimacy. 

• Remember, this  can be a tricky situation to navigate for anyone. There is no shame in seeking out help from professionals like the clinicians at Embrace Sexual Wellness. A third party can facilitate a more productive, effective conversation which may be the jumpstart you and your partner(s) need to tackle this challenge.

6 Tips for If You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page About Kids

Compromise is typically a good way to navigate relationship disagreements, but what about when it comes to kids? There’s no way to have half a child or only parent them for half of their life. Being responsible for a human life is a huge decision and navigating disagreement around it is understandably stressful. Hopefully this guide will help you navigate it as effectively as possible. 

• Remember that kids aren’t the answer to your relationship problems

  • Think and talk about the relationship itself. Is it strong and allowing you to grow as a person? Do you feel like your best self in the relationship? If you’re looking to have kids in the hopes it will bring you and your partner together, definitely step back and reconsider both because it will more than likely cause more strain on the relationship.

• Ask yourself the hard questions and then ask each other

  • What are you hoping kids will bring to your life that you don’t experience now? 

  • What are you afraid of if you do have kids? 

  • What happened in your parents’ or caregivers’ marriages after having kids? 

  • Will you feel unfulfilled if you don’t have kids?

  • Will you resent your partner if you do have kids and end up with a responsibility you may not want? 

  • What hesitations do you have about having kids and are there ways to compromise to work around them? 

• Remember that this is you and your partner versus the problem at hand, not you versus your partner

• Avoid ultimatums

  • Ultimatums are no good for anyone. Threats are not the way to make a life changing decision and will only breed resentment. 

• See a professional

  • Some problems are simply too big to tackle yourself and there’s no reason to white knuckle through it. Talking to a therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness is a great start to navigating this disagreement. 

• Don’t go in with an agenda; go in with an open mind and open ears

  • If you try to get combative right from the start, it will only create more tension. 

• Recognize when it’s healthier to split ways

  • Breakups usually aren’t easy, especially when they’re not due to a lack of love. Sometimes, you might just be fundamentally incompatible and staying in a relationship like that won’t allow you to get your needs met

  • Sacrificing your happiness is a lose-lose situation. Everyone involved deserves to find happiness and to have their needs met

Resources:

• 8 Tough Truths to Consider When Your Partner Doesn't Want Kids 

• 8 things to do if you and your partner disagree about having kids

• Dear Therapist: My Husband Doesn’t Want Another Kid, so I’m Considering Divorce 

• Ask Polly: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want Kids, But I Think I Do!  

• You Want Kids. Your Partner Doesn't. Can Therapy Help?