How Can Play Bring Back Intimacy in Adult Relationships? Insights from a Chicago Sex Therapist

How Can Play Bring Back Intimacy in Adult Relationships? Insights from a Chicago Sex Therapist

Adulting is a tough task. Between everyday stressors, work, household tasks, and other responsibilities, people often find themselves missing the playfulness and creativity they may have once held near and dear to them. Some folks may notice that relationships become more serious and lose their spontaneity. Sex therapists who emphasize the importance of play often get asked, “What does it mean to play as an adult?”

It is easy to think about play as something unique to childhood. However, play is a vital ingredient to adult development as well as emotional and erotic intimacy. As certified sex therapists, one of our favorite things to do is to help partners rediscover their sense of play to rekindle closeness, laughter, and sexual desire. Keep reading to learn more about why play is important, what often holds couples back, and how therapy can help. 

What Does ‘Play’ Mean in Adult Relationships? 

When talking about play, it is easy to imagine a young child playing pretend, or someone playing a game, but it can be hard to pinpoint exactly what it means to play. The National Institute for Play explains that play is an experience that brings people joy and pleasure. Play can encompass so many different things for different people and in different areas of life. 

Many people understand that play builds critical skills for children, like creativity, problem-solving, emotional regulation, critical thinking, and more. Research suggests play and creativity can enhance these same skills in adults! Playfulness in adults promotes relaxation, creative problem-solving, innovation, and stronger relationships, while helping reduce anxiety and burnout. 

It is important to note that when talking about playfulness in adults, therapists are not talking about immaturity. There is a difference between the two, with playfulness and creativity emphasizing emotional safety, trust, and mutual consent. 

Play in adult relationships doesn’t have to mean engaging in a sexy card game (although it can!), but more often it exists through creativity, imagination, and mutual engagement. In relationships, a playful connection can be seen through emotional intimacy, like shared humor and spontaneous gestures, and sexually by flirting or exploring new fantasies. Sex therapists often remind couples that not all play is about being silly. Many times, it is about being emotionally present and connected to partners. 

Why Playfulness Often Fades in Long-Term Relationships 

Clients often ask, “Why don’t we feel playful anymore?” or, “When did things become so serious for us?” The most common factors that contribute to this fade are stress, routines, emotional distance, shame, or fear of rejection. There are also cultural messages and expectations around what it means to be an adult, which can make being playful feel “childish” or shameful. 

The combination of any number of these factors can disconnect partners from the playful and creative parts of themselves, making it hard to access or feel awkward to reintroduce. When couples lose the ability to be playful, they often lose the spontaneity in their intimacy as well. In therapy, we can examine the ways play has dimmed and explore the patterns that dampen desire.

How Play Can Deepen Emotional and Sexual Intimacy 

As previously mentioned, play allows people to relax and simply find joy in their day. This creates the perfect setup for curiosity, humor, and presence, which are all important pieces of fostering a secure connection with partners. When entering into this playful space, partners share with each other that they feel safe to be themselves, which builds trust and emotional intimacy. This creates a space for feeling connected and being our most vulnerable and unmasked selves. This playful energy can be brought out in simple ways, like shared laughter or flirting. 

Play can also aid in the strengthening of sexual intimacy. Sometimes sex can be awkward, or it can feel so serious that it is clouded by pressure and anxiety.  When partners are playful, stress levels and anxiety lower, allowing them to be more in the moment with those around them and reducing the need to perform. If partners feel safe and connected to one another, it allows them to be more present and authentic, which often leads to increased desire and intimacy in relationships.  A 2024 study found that couples with a positive sense of humor regarding their sex life felt closer and even felt more satisfied in their sex lives. 

As Chicago sex therapists, we find play is a wonderful tool that can help couples move from pressure and perfectionism towards connection and pleasure.

Common Barriers to Play in the Bedroom 

Some of the most common obstacles to feeling playful in the bedroom include: 

• Sexual shame or trauma

• Fear of being judged

• Performance anxiety

• Desire discrepancies

• Lack of communication

These can feel very challenging to navigate, and many couples in Chicago who visit our practice feel uncertain about how to ‘lighten up’ around sex after years of stress or conflict. But no one has to do it alone! A trained therapist can help explore these barriers safely and build more playfulness into a couple’s relationship.

How a Sex Therapist Helps Couples Rediscover Play 

Some therapists integrate play, art, and other creative methods into traditional talk therapy to create a space where curiosity, laughter, and experimentation are welcomed. One of the best things about using play with couples is that it allows folks to express themselves differently and communicate about sex in a new way. If talking about sex feels uncomfortable or has led to conflict, sex therapists can help couples use play to increase humor and approach the conversation differently. Many times, the goal is to remove the pressure that has been created around sex.

Sex therapy can help partners explore the emotional blocks that inhibit play and collaborate with them to slowly introduce small ways of engaging in playfulness together. Together, therapists can help couples work on reframing shame and learn ways to communicate about sex without judgment. Once a space has been created where it feels safe to be playful and creative, partners can explore creative ways to boost sexual intimacy. Sometimes this will look like couples creating a shared list of erotic fantasies, and other times it may include non-goal-oriented touch activities. It can also look like drawing or sculpting the parts of oneself that are present in sexual contexts, which can be very helpful for couples when looking to deconstruct sexual shame. 

For couples seeking a sex therapist in Chicago who understand both emotional connection and sexual dynamics, our practice offers specialized sessions to rekindle intimacy through play.

Simple Ways to Bring More Play into Your Relationship 

Here are a few tips you can try to integrate more play into a relationship:

• Flirt like you did when you first met

• Have a spontaneous dance party

• Use humor to defuse tension

• Play a “yes, and…” game to practice curiosity

• Schedule “unstructured” time to connect

• Try something new (new class, new activity, new restaurant, etc.) 

These tips are not one-size-fits-all, nor are they exhaustive. Couples therapy can support partners in finding more tailored suggestions, and can make experimentation feel safer and more meaningful.

When to Seek Support from a Sex Therapist 

Some common signs that partners may need help rekindling playfulness include:

• Intimacy feels like pressure

• Conversations about sex often lead to conflict

• One or more partners feel disconnected

• Partners are feeling stuck with sex or the relationship

• The relationship feels like the spark is gone

Therapy can offer the tools to communicate and explore play and creativity safely together. If partners feel like the playfulness and connection have dimmed, working with a sex therapist can help to rediscover joy, creativity, and passion together.

TLDR 

Play is an essential part of emotional and sexual intimacy in relationships. Play is not just something people do, but is a state of being that is focused on joy and pleasure. It is the cornerstone of creativity and spontaneity in relationships and promotes a more authentic way of connecting with one another. Oftentimes, playfulness fades in adulthood for a number of reasons. Rediscovering play in a relationship can help couples reconnect through curiosity and laughter, creating a lasting bond.

If you’re ready to reignite playfulness and connection in your relationship, our team of Chicago sex therapists and relationship counselors can help you take the first step. Request a free consult here!

Peyronies Disease, Self Image, and Performance Anxiety: What You Need to Know

Peyronies disease is often described in medical terms, yet the emotional and psychological effects are just as significant as the physical symptoms. While penile curvature and discomfort are the most visible aspects of Peyronies disease, many men struggle quietly with shame, insecurity, and fear about sexual performance.

If you have been searching for answers about Peyronies disease and erectile dysfunction or wondering whether Peyronies disease can cause performance anxiety, you are not alone. Addressing both the physical and psychological components of this condition is essential for long term sexual wellbeing.

What Is Peyronies Disease?

Peyronies disease is a condition in which fibrous scar tissue develops inside the penis, causing curvature, shortening, narrowing, or pain during erections. The severity can vary. Some men experience mild curvature with little interference, while others find intercourse difficult or painful.

A urologist typically evaluates the condition and discusses medical treatment options. These may include oral medications, injections, traction therapy, or surgical procedures depending on the degree of curvature and erectile function.

Medical treatment is important. However, the diagnosis often carries emotional consequences that are not resolved by physical treatment alone.

How Does Peyronies Disease Affect Self Esteem?

For many men, sexual function is closely linked to identity and confidence. When Peyronies disease changes the appearance or function of the penis, it can challenge deeply held beliefs about masculinity, desirability, and adequacy.

Men commonly report thoughts such as:

I am not normal anymore.
My partner will be disappointed.
I will not be able to perform.
Something is wrong with me.

These thoughts can lead to shame and avoidance of intimacy. Even in supportive relationships, internal self criticism can remain intense. Research shows that Peyronies disease is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and relationship distress. The psychological burden is real and deserves attention.

Can Peyronies Disease Cause Performance Anxiety?

Yes. Peyronies disease can significantly contribute to sexual performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety occurs when fear about sexual performance interferes with arousal and erection. After a diagnosis, men may become hyperfocused on questions such as: Will my erection be firm enough? Will the curvature make penetration difficult? Will my partner notice and react negatively? What if I lose my erection?

When anxiety increases, the body activates a stress response. A hormone called cortisol rises, which can interfere with the blood flow necessary for an erection. Even men who previously had reliable erectile function may begin to experience erectile difficulties due to anxiety alone.

This creates a cycle. Anxiety contributes to erectile dysfunction. Erectile dysfunction reinforces anxiety. Over time, avoidance may develop as a way to protect against embarrassment.

How Are Peyronies Disease and Erectile Dysfunction Connected?

Erectile dysfunction associated with Peyronies disease can have both physical and psychological components.

Physically, scar tissue may interfere with normal erectile function. Psychologically, anticipatory anxiety can make it more difficult to maintain an erection during partnered sex. Some men notice they can achieve erections during masturbation but struggle with a partner. This pattern often indicates a significant anxiety component.

It is important to understand that erectile dysfunction in this context is not a failure. It is a predictable response to stress, fear, and self doubt layered onto a physical condition.

How Can Sex Therapy Help with Peyronies Disease?

Sex therapy addresses the emotional and relational impact of Peyronies disease alongside medical treatment. A certified sex therapist can help to challenge distorted beliefs about worth and masculinity. Many men equate sexual performance with value. Therapy helps separate identity from erectile function.

Sex therapy also reduces performance anxiety through structured interventions. Mindfulness techniques and gradual exercises help shift attention away from performance monitoring and toward physical sensation and connection.

Through therapy, partners can improve their communication. Open conversations about fears and expectations reduce misunderstanding. When couples approach the condition as a shared challenge rather than an individual failure, intimacy often strengthens.

Sex therapy expands the definition of satisfying sex. Penetration is only one aspect of intimacy. Couples can rediscover pleasure through a broader range of experiences, reducing pressure and increasing connection.

Should You See a Urologist and a Sex Therapist?

100% yes. Collaborative care provides the most comprehensive support for Peyronies disease.

A urologist evaluates curvature, pain, and erectile function and offers evidence based medical treatment options. These may include medications, injections, traction devices, or surgical correction.

A sex therapist addresses the anxiety, shame, and relational strain that often accompany the diagnosis. Even when medical treatment improves physical symptoms, unresolved insecurity can continue to interfere with intimacy.

When medical and psychological treatment work together, outcomes improve. Sexual confidence is not restored through physical correction alone. Emotional healing is equally important.

How Can Couples Maintain Intimacy During Treatment?

Open communication is essential. Avoiding the topic may temporarily reduce discomfort but often increases long term distance.

Couples can support intimacy by talking honestly about fears and expectations, focusing on pleasure rather than performance, exploring positions that feel physically comfortable and maintaining non-sexual affection and closeness.

It can also be helpful to temporarily remove the goal of penetration. When the pressure to perform decreases, erections often improve naturally. Intimacy becomes about connection rather than evaluation.

Is It Possible to Regain Sexual Confidence with Peyronies Disease?

Yes. Many men regain satisfying sexual relationships with proper support.

Peyronies disease may change aspects of sexual experience, but it does not eliminate the capacity for pleasure, connection, or fulfillment. With appropriate medical treatment, anxiety reduction strategies, and relational support, confidence can be rebuilt.

If you are struggling with Peyronies disease, performance anxiety, or erectile dysfunction, seeking help is a proactive and courageous step. Working with a urologist addresses the physical condition. Working with a sex therapist supports the emotional and relational healing that makes intimacy possible again.

Sexual health involves more than anatomy. It includes identity, vulnerability, communication, and trust. Addressing all of these dimensions creates the strongest path forward.

Is a Sleep Divorce Healthy for Couples? Understanding the Impact on Intimacy

For many couples, sharing a bed is assumed to be a marker of closeness, commitment, and a healthy relationship. When partners stop sleeping together, it can raise concerns about emotional distance or relationship trouble. Yet an increasing number of couples are choosing what is often referred to as a sleep divorce, where partners sleep in separate beds or rooms to improve rest.

As Chicago sex therapists, we often work with couples who are curious, conflicted, or quietly relieved by the idea of sleeping separately. The reality is that a sleep divorce can be healthy for some couples, challenging for others, and neutral for many. The key factor is not where partners sleep, but how sleep arrangements intersect with communication, emotional connection, and intimacy.

What Is a Sleep Divorce?

A sleep divorce simply means that partners choose to sleep separately on a regular or semi regular basis. This might involve separate bedrooms, different beds in the same room, or alternating sleep arrangements depending on schedules or needs.

Common reasons couples consider a sleep divorce include snoring, mismatched sleep schedules, insomnia, restless movement, medical conditions, perimenopause or menopause symptoms, anxiety, or differences in temperature or light preferences. In many cases, the decision is motivated by one core goal: better sleep.

Quality sleep is foundational to emotional regulation, mental health, physical well being, and sexual desire. When sleep deprivation becomes chronic, it can negatively affect mood, patience, libido, and relational satisfaction.

Why Do Couples Choose to Sleep Separately?

Sleeping separately is not inherently harmful to a relationship. In fact, for some couples, it can be protective. Chronic sleep disruption often leads to irritability, resentment, and emotional withdrawal. When partners are exhausted, even small conflicts can feel overwhelming, and intimacy often suffers.

Research consistently shows that poor sleep is associated with lower relationship satisfaction and reduced sexual desire. When a sleep divorce allows one or both partners to rest more deeply, they may show up more present, patient, and emotionally available during the day.

Is Sleeping Separately Bad for a Relationship?

Sleeping separately is not inherently harmful, but it can become problematic when it happens without intention, communication, or shared understanding. When one partner moves to another room without discussion, the sleep arrangement can take on unintended meaning. For some, it may feel like rejection, avoidance, or a signal that something is wrong in the relationship, even if the original motivation was simply the need for rest.

What matters most is not whether partners share a bed, but how the decision is made and how it is emotionally held within the relationship. When sleeping separately is a mutual, collaborative choice, it is often experienced as supportive or even relieving. When it feels unilateral or unspoken, it can quietly erode trust and emotional safety.

Partners also bring their own attachment histories, expectations, and beliefs about closeness into sleep arrangements. For individuals who associate bedtime with connection, comfort, or reassurance, sleeping apart may trigger feelings of distance or abandonment. Others may experience sleeping separately as a necessary boundary that allows them to function better emotionally and physically. Neither response is wrong, but both need to be acknowledged.

Ongoing emotional connection is what protects relationships when sleep patterns change. Without intentional efforts to maintain closeness, couples may lose important moments of daily intimacy, such as debriefing at the end of the day or waking up together. Over time, the absence of these rituals can create a sense of parallel lives rather than shared ones.

Sleeping separately becomes a concern not because of physical distance, but because of emotional disconnection. When couples remain curious about each other’s experiences, check in regularly, and create new ways to connect, separate sleep can coexist with a strong and intimate relationship.

Can a Sleep Divorce Improve Intimacy?

For many couples, sleeping apart improves intimacy indirectly by reducing stress and fatigue. When partners are well rested, they often have more capacity for emotional connection, physical affection, and sexual desire.

A sleep divorce can be especially helpful during certain life stages. New parenthood, perimenopause, menopause, chronic illness, and high stress periods can all disrupt sleep. In these contexts, prioritizing rest can help couples preserve closeness rather than erode it.

Some couples also find that sleeping separately reduces pressure around sex. When the bed is no longer the default location for intimacy, partners may become more intentional and creative about connection. This can actually enhance desire for some people.

When Can Sleeping Separately Create Emotional Distance?

Despite its benefits, a sleep divorce can introduce challenges. For some partners, sharing a bed represents safety, attachment, and reassurance. Sleeping apart may trigger feelings of rejection, abandonment, or fear that intimacy is fading.

Physical closeness before sleep and upon waking is often a key time for connection. When partners lose these moments without replacing them intentionally, emotional distance can grow. Over time, couples may find they are spending less unstructured, intimate time together.

A sleep divorce can also become a way of avoiding unresolved conflict. If partners retreat to separate rooms during periods of tension without addressing underlying issues, sleeping apart may reinforce disconnection rather than support repair.

How Does a Sleep Divorce Affect Sexual Intimacy?

Sexual intimacy is influenced by context, routine, and opportunity. When partners no longer share a bed, spontaneous sexual encounters may decrease. For some couples, this feels like a loss. For others, spontaneity was already rare due to exhaustion, stress, or mismatched schedules.

Importantly, sexual intimacy does not have to originate in the bedroom at bedtime. Many couples benefit from reframing intimacy as something that can happen intentionally rather than spontaneously. However, this requires communication and planning, which can feel vulnerable or awkward at first.

As a sex therapist, I often remind couples that libido is sensitive to energy, stress, and emotional safety. If sleeping separately improves rest but intimacy declines, the solution is not necessarily to abandon the sleep arrangement, but to strengthen intentional connection elsewhere.

Is It Normal to Feel Disconnected When You Don’t Sleep Together?

It is common for partners to have different emotional reactions to a sleep divorce. One partner may feel relief, while the other feels hurt or worried. Both experiences are valid.

What matters is creating space to talk openly about the meaning each partner assigns to sleeping together or apart. Without these conversations, assumptions can fill the gaps, often in unhelpful ways.

Normalizing the need for sleep while also honoring the need for connection helps couples navigate this transition with less shame or defensiveness.

How Can Couples Stay Intimate If They Sleep Separately?

If partners choose to sleep apart, there are many ways to protect and nurture intimacy.

First, create intentional connection rituals. This might include cuddling before one partner leaves for their room, spending time together in bed before sleep, or starting the day with shared time and affection.

Second, talk explicitly about sex. Couples benefit from discussing how and when intimacy might happen rather than assuming it will occur naturally. Planning sex does not make it less meaningful. For many couples, it reduces anxiety and increases follow through.

Third, maintain physical affection outside of sleep. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and non sexual touch throughout the day reinforce closeness and desire.

Fourth, check in regularly about how the arrangement is working. A sleep divorce does not have to be permanent. Needs change, and flexibility helps couples adapt without feeling stuck.

Finally, address the underlying issues that led to sleeping separately. Whether it is snoring, anxiety, pain, or hormonal changes, seeking medical or therapeutic support can improve both sleep and intimacy.

When Should Couples Seek Professional Support?

If sleeping separately has led to increased conflict, emotional distance, or concerns about intimacy, working with a couples counselor or sex therapist can be helpful. Therapy provides a space to explore attachment needs, communication patterns, and sexual concerns without blame.

In therapy, we help couples navigate changes in sleep, desire, and connection with compassion and curiosity. A sleep divorce is not a sign of failure. It is often a sign that a couple is trying to care for themselves and their relationship in the midst of real life challenges.

The Bottom Line: Can Sleeping Separately Support a Healthy Relationship?

A sleep divorce can be healthy, neutral, or challenging depending on how it is approached. Prioritizing sleep is not selfish, and sleeping separately does not mean intimacy has to disappear. With communication, intention, and flexibility, many couples find that sleeping apart actually strengthens their relationship.

Intimacy is built through presence, care, and emotional safety, not just proximity at night. When couples attend to both rest and connection, they are better equipped to sustain closeness over time.