Feeling Sad After Sex? Here Are A Few Ways to Manage Postcoital Dysphoria

Postcoital dysphoria (PCD), sometimes colloquially referred to as post-sex blues, is the name for feelings of sadness or agitation that may come up after consensual sex, regardless of how satisfying, loving, and/or enjoyable it was. People of any gender or sexuality can experience PCD with varying levels of frequency. If you do experience PCD, it can feel frustrating to have an emotional reaction that doesn’t necessarily align with your true feelings regarding the sex. Though the cause of PCD will vary from person to person, there are a few potential causes to consider including insufficient aftercare, expectations being unfulfilled, and underlying trauma or shame. Here are a few ways you might consider managing your PCD. 

Evaluate if your sexual aftercare routine is serving you effectively

Aftercare is “a way for you and your partner(s) to communicate, debrief, and love on each other after the session is finished in however way feels most fulfilling to your specific needs.” Though it started as a BDSM practice, anyone and everyone can utilize aftercare to regulate post-sex emotions. Aftercare can look like anything from cuddling to verbal validation to eating chocolate, and you might have to do some trial and error to figure out what works for you. Practicing post-sex rituals like this help transition from the emotional and physical intensity of a sexual encounter back into reality.

Journaling

Journaling about your PCD feelings can help process them and get to the root of the issue. This Well and Good article offers some important prompting questions to guide your journaling: 

• Was it before, during, and/or after sex that you started feeling something distressing?

• Is this feeling familiar to anything you've felt at another time in your life?

• Did your behavior work in alignment with your values?

• Are you satisfied with how you were treated?

• Is there anything you regret about the experience?

Be kind to yourself 

As frustrating as PCD is, it’s important not to blame yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, nor did you do anything wrong by experiencing it. Unkind thoughts only fuel the fire and may worsen the emotional distress. 

These tips may help lessen your distress, but to truly address it, you may need to seek professional help. If you’re consistently struggling and your sex life is challenging as a result, or if trauma is at the root of your PCD, or even if you just feel like you can’t deal with this alone, it might be time to check in with a sex therapist like the providers at Embrace Sexual Wellness.

4 Tips for Introducing A New Name and Pronouns, from a Sexuality Educator

For some transgender and non-binary people, part of the coming out process includes letting your community know about a new name and/or pronouns. This can be a stressful proposition even for those in the most accepting environments so hopefully this guide will help you feel a bit more confident in your disclosure.

1) Assess whether it is safe to come out

• In a perfect world, everyone would be able to be called whatever makes them feel the most comfortable without alienation or abuse from those around them, but unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world. Before deciding to come out, it would be wise to assess whether or not that’s a safe decision for you right now. It is painful to stay closeted, but being out is not worth trading your safety and mental wellbeing. If you aren’t sure whether or not it’s safe, perhaps try bringing up transgender people and pronouns in the abstract to gauge a reaction. 

• When dealing specifically with the workplace, despite the fact that in June 2020 the Supreme Court decided that “federal law prohibits anti-transgender discrimination in employment,” it’s important to keep in mind that that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be safe, especially when it comes to workplace harassment from coworkers. Illegal doesn’t mean impossible, unfortunately, and it’s important to keep your wellbeing in mind, not just your physical safety.

2) Practice with a trusted friend 

• If you’re fortunate to have someone you already know is accepting of transgender people in your life, try using them as a practice partner! An added bonus is practice with someone who knows the people you plan to come out to so they can give advice specific to those circumstances.

3) Express yourself clearly and simply

• There is still a deficit of understanding when it comes to using new names and pronouns so it would be wise to keep it as simple as possible. A sample script of what you might say is: “I identify as (gender) and as a result, I no longer feel that my name and/or pronouns suit me, so I’m now going by (name/pronouns. I understand it might be a difficult transition for you to call me this, but I would appreciate if you would try. If you still have questions, I’d be happy to share some resources with you.”  

4) Be ready to provide resources for further understanding

• Though the burden should not be on you to do so, you might have an easier time both with anxiety and the conversation itself if you feel prepared with research and additional reading for them to understand what you’re conveying to them.

  • Recommended Resources to share :

    1. Why We Ask Each Other Our Pronouns - Human Rights Campaign

    2. A Guide to Understanding Gender Identity and Pronouns

    3. Making a name for yourself: For trans people, it's 'life-changing'

    4. What Is Deadnaming and Why Is It Harmful?

    5. What are Gender Pronouns? Why Do They Matter?

    6. On The Importance Of Names

If you’re struggling to figure out whether or not coming out with a new name and/or pronouns is a good idea, or how to go about it, you might consider talking to a sex therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness. This might be a challenge, but you don’t have to do it alone.

4 Ways to Support Your Child Through Gender Exploration

Children begin to develop their innate sense of gender identity between the ages of 3 to 5 so it makes sense to start thinking about how to support them early on. Gender identity is one’s internal sense of gender, whether that’s woman, man, neither, or both. For most people, gender identity aligns with their sex assigned at birth but for some, like transgender and non-binary people, this is not the case. Gender expression is the outward presentation, via behavior, appearance, and other characteristics, of one’s internal sense of gender. Both identity and presentation are rife for exploration from a young age and it’s important to a young person’s development to have a strong support network. It’s okay to not know exactly what that might entail which is why we created this guide to get you started.

1) Create a safe, judgment-free, validating environment for gender exploration

Make it both explicitly and implicitly (through behavior) clear that your child can come to you with any questions or concerns about gender without fear of repercussion. Aside from explicitly telling them this, you will convey acceptance by “showing not telling” in how you treat others. Furthermore, adults sometimes have a tendency not to believe children about gender questioning because they’re “too young” but doing so will only alienate them from you. Validate their thoughts, questions, and concerns, and if you’re feeling out of your depth, consider consulting a psychologist if that’s financially feasible for you.

2) Teach your child how to respect others’ gender identity

This is an important step regardless of your child’s gender identity/presentation. That being said, it’s extra important if your child is displaying signs of not aligning with their sex at birth because it teaches them both how to respect others, and how others should be respecting them. Some examples of teaching your child to respect others’ gender are:

• Introduce yourself with pronouns to encourage others to share theirs while in front of your child. With people you have an established relationship with, it may be appropriate to directly ask for their pronouns. However, with strangers, you don’t know if doing so puts them in an uncomfortable position by forcing them to out themselves or by them intentionally telling you the wrong pronouns (misgendering themselves) to avoid outing themselves in front of others.

• Talking to your child about the idea that all gender expression is valid, regardless of whether or not it aligns with our idea of what someone of that gender “should” look like

• Gently correct people when they misgender someone you know, and teach your child how to do so as well

• Teach them about and debunk gender stereotypes, such as the idea that only women should cook and only men should be breadwinners

3) Introduce them to diverse media

• Some suggestions of media reflecting diverse gender roles and identities are

  • The Bravest Knight (Show)

  • Steven Universe (Show) 

  • First Day (Show) 

  • Over the Moon (Film) 

  • The Most Dangerous Year (Film) 

  • Little Girl (Film)

  • Local drag queen story hour events or try a YouTube version

4) If financially feasible, consider seeing a psychologist

• If you’re feeling unequipped to assist your child in their exploration, the best thing you can do is give them tools to help. One such tool is finding a child psychologist, preferably specializing in gender. This person can be a resource not only for your child, but for you too, and they can give more specific advice for supporting your child.

By reading this article, you’ve already taken a step towards being a supportive of your child’s gender exploration. It’s okay to feel unequipped or unsure - gender is ambiguous and confusing even for the most expert among us. The most important part is making sure you cultivate an accepting and validating environment because if your child can’t even talk to you about their concerns, your involvement in their exploration has ended before it’s even begun.