4 Ways We Blame Ourselves for Our Sexuality

The topic of sexuality is complex and shrouded in shame, fueled by a complete lack of comprehensive sex education in the United States. This leaves many of us struggling to understand our own sexuality independently which can be messy and frustrating. Furthermore, experiencing sexual shame on an independent level means it’s difficult to internalize that you aren’t the only one struggling with a certain issue. The first step to unlearning this shame is by acknowledging that it exists and then you can begin to unpack it. Let’s address some common sources of sexual shame together.

Not being able to achieve orgasm in a specific way or at all

This is more commonly spoken about as an issue that women struggle with (an estimated 10-15% of women experience orgasmic dysfunction) but anyone can experience difficulty attaining orgasm. There are many potential roots of the problem including, but not limited to sexual trauma, age, hormones, mental and chronic illness, and certain medications. Whether or not there is a clear root of the problem, there is nothing wrong with you for experiencing difficulty attaining orgasm. Societal expectations and misinformation is the source of the shame, your body is not inherently shameful and you did not do anything “wrong” to “deserve” this. Most important to remember, you do not need to be able to orgasm in order to enjoy sex and masturbation.

Not being interested in intercourse, but interested in other sexual/sensual activities

Heteronormative expectations of sex center around penetrative sex; it is posited as the goal of sex. Unfortunately, this is exclusionary to many people like queer people, people who experience sexual dysfunction, or just anyone who does not derive pleasure from penetrative sex. Aside from being exclusionary, it’s limiting for everyone who has internalized that expectation. Once we are able to unlearn heteronormative expectations of sex (easier said than done!), so many doors open in terms of sexual possibility. Intercourse is just one of many ways to enjoy sex and it is not the sole “right” way to have sex.

Having responsive desire rather than spontaneous desire

Generally speaking there are two main types of how people experience a desire to have sex. Responsive desire means someone often needs to experience physical arousal before experiencing mental desire while spontaneous desire means someone often feels mental desire before physical arousal. Mainstream media and societal expectations posit spontaneous desire as the “norm,” leaving those with responsive desire to feel like something is wrong with them. Neither is superior, they are simply different. If you are struggling with your desire type being compatible with your partner(s), check out this Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post on desire discrepancy.

Experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain

Similarly to orgasmic dysfunction, it’s hard not to feel “broken” for experiencing sexual dysfunction or pain, especially if it prohibits you from having the kind of sex you want to have. It makes sense to grieve the fact that your body cannot do something that you wish that it could. At the same time, it’s integral to remember that you still deserve to have enjoyable sex and that it is still possible, even if that means it won’t look the way you expected.

The source of the shame related to the reasons above is because of the limiting societal expectations and beliefs about sex. The problem does not lie in the individual, but in the inaccurate and exclusionary ways we learn and talk about sex. You are not alone in your challenges. If you find yourself struggling to address your sexual shame alone, consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness and one of our sexuality professionals will happily help guide you through it.

3 Ways to Queer Your Relationship

Whether you’re aware of it or not, societal expectations and social systems of oppression, like white supremacy, capitalism, patriarchy, laws, and more heavily influence how we form relationships. For instance, the rise of the isolated nuclear family (two parents and their children living together) as opposed to interconnected extended families was prompted following the Great Depression and World War I. This was due in part to the fact that it allowed for the proliferation of generational wealth - to the disadvantage of the working class. This is one example of many that illustrates how social institutions (in this case, capitalism) have shaped modern relationship norms. Unfortunately, this limits people from achieving their most fulfilling relationship dynamic. It’s never too late to start unlearning toxic societal ideals though!

“Queering” is difficult to define because the nature of queerness is ambiguous. It started as a method of media analysis that utilizes queer theory to reinterpret and challenge heteronormativity and gender roles in popular media. More broadly, it refers to challenging the societal norms and institutions that oppress anyone who dares to exist in opposition to them. That’s still a bit nebulous so let’s talk about what the “queering” of a relationship tangibly looks like: 

Let go of heteronormative ideas of how relationships function

Heteronormativity is “the assumption that heterosexuality is the standard for defining normal sexual behavior and that male-female differences and gender roles are the natural and immutable essentials in normal human relations.” To be clear, challenging heteronormativity does not mean invalidating heterosexuality but rather the toxic assumption that heterosexuality is the only valid way to exist. Rejecting heteronormativity in your relationship might look like confronting your assumptions about sexuality in general; intentionally evaluating whether the heteronormative version of “normal relationships” is right for you in. Heteronormativity is strict in its expectation that the only valid romantic relationships exist between a cisgender, heterosexual man and woman in a monogamous relationship. Unsurprisingly, this script does not suit as many people as it claims to but because it is ingrained as the “default” option, many people simply don’t even realize there are alternatives to be considered. If you haven’t already done soul searching surrounding your own desires in terms of your sexuality and your preferences for monogamy or non-monogamy, that is an important first step.

Let go of binary gender roles

Binary gender roles are a byproduct of heteronormativity in which all people are classified as one of two genders, male or female, typically decided based on the appearance of genitalia at birth. This is a rigid understanding of the concepts of sex and gender which attempts to pigeonhole people based on arbitrary assumptions pertaining to one’s gender. An example of how gender roles manifest is the assumption that women will want to be homemakers and men will be breadwinners. Unlearning these ingrained ideas about gender essentialism is no easy task. It involves reconsidering everything we have been told is “normal.” It’s worthwhile to sit down with your partner(s) and evaluate how gender roles manifest in your relationship; do you make assumptions about one another’s preferences based on their gender? Does everyone feel safe to express their gender identity authentically around one another? Do you surround your relationship with people who help you outgrow the limitations of the gender binary?

Intentionally create a relationship that fulfills the needs of all involved

Here are some questions to consider with your partner(s): 

• Is everyone involved in the relationship satisfied with its status regarding monogamy? Would it benefit the relationship to consider alternative structures like a form of non-monogamy?

• If anyone in the relationship is queer, do they feel validated in their identity within the relationship?

• Do you prioritize your romantic relationship(s) over platonic ones? If so, why, and does that serve you?  

Queerness, and queering, are very nuanced concepts that cannot be done full justice in a singular blog post. You might consider speaking to a therapist at Embrace Sexual Wellness if you’re struggling to get started with queering your relationship. If you’re interested in learning more on your own, here are some resources:

• Queer Relationships Zine

• The Joys of Queering Your Relationships

• Queering Relationships: Toward a Paradigmatic Shift

• Queering Gender, Queering Relationships

• How To "Queer" A Heterosexual Relationship

• My Queer Friendships Taught Me How to Love

• queering heterosexuality | The Anarchist Library

• Queering Relationships: Aromantic and Asexual Perspectives

• Queering Marriage: The Homoradical and Anti-Normativity

• Queering Marriage | Rutgers University Press

• Queering Relationships

• Queering intimacies, families and companionships 

3 Ways Chronic Illness Affects Sexual Wellness (and How to Address It)

Chronic illnesses like cancer and immune diseases can interfere with sexual wellness and might diminish one’s capacity to enjoy sex. Various factors play into this with more obvious ones like chronic pain in addition to the not-so-obvious ones like the emotional strain of chronic illness and lack of body confidence. Being chronically ill doesn’t have to be a sex life death sentence though. 

Managing a sex life while chronically ill is not an easy task, but progress in the medical field, especially sexology and sex therapy, means that there are more resources than ever to help you along your journey of sexual discovery. Instead of aiming advice at specific illnesses, this article will instead be structured around addressing the symptoms that get in the way of a fulfilling sex life.

Pain Flare Ups

Pain is the most obvious sex deterrent associated with chronic illness. Regardless of where it is, pain is distracting and draining, neither of which is ideal for enjoying intimacy. Aside from general pain management like medication and physical therapy, some ways to adapt your sex life are to use supportive pillows, choose comfortable sex positions, and experiment with assistive devices.

Body Confidence Issues

Depending on the chronic illness, you may struggle with body image issues in addition to the symptoms directly associated with the condition. Poor body image often feeds into a low sex drive and causes distress on both counts. This Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post talks about feeling at home in your body as a queer person, but the general principles are a solid place to start when addressing body confidence issues. If you’re feeling alone in this struggle, check out this article with stories from people who have struggled with body confidence due to chronic illness.

Communication and the Importance of Utilizing Resources

Perhaps the single most part of making this equation work is having an understanding partner who you can communicate comfortably with. This is important for anyone but especially when you may have to navigate specific health-related needs, it is imperative that you do that with someone who feels safe.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t have to be alone on this journey. Professionals like the sex therapists at Embrace Sexual Wellness are amazing resources for navigating the complicated relationship between illness and sexual wellness. 

All of this information might be overwhelming and that’s okay. The only timeline you need to stick to is the one that serves you best. There is no rush to figure anything out and if you are feeling pressured by others to figure it out faster, you may want to reevaluate those relationships. Chronic illness comes with a multitude of unique challenges but luckily you don’t have to navigate them alone. Not sure where to start? We’d be happy to help you get started! You can contact Embrace Sexual Wellness here.