Sexual Wellness, Sex Education + Pleasure
Jennifer Litner
16 Ways Shame Shows Up During Sex and How It ...
16 Ways Shame Shows Up During Sex and How It Can Impact Your Relationship
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Consent Violations and How to Handle Them 

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Content warning: This article will discuss consent violation and sexual assault. No graphic descriptions will be included, but it may nonetheless be upsetting or triggering to some readers. There are resources available at the end of the article for finding sexual assault survivor support. 

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month so we’ll be covering different types of consent violations and how to handle them. Consent can be a tricky, nebulous topic and ultimately, there will be no “one size fits all” guide to handling consent violations because each circumstance is different. That being said, there are certainly general guidelines that are widely applicable, which is what this article will cover. 

Consent is a mutual agreement between involved parties to engage in a specified activity; for the purposes of this article, consent refers to sexual consent, but consent is relevant in all aspects of interpersonal interactions. Consent must be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. A coerced “yes” does not count as consent and consent for one activity does not imply consent for other activities. Furthermore, consent is only valid when the involved parties are on the same page about what they are consenting to. There are endless ways to ascertain consent and while it may feel awkward at first, dealing with a little bit of awkwardness is far preferable to violating someone’s boundaries.

If you are unsure of how to go about establishing boundaries and consent, please refer to these resources:

Consent violations can result from a variety of circumstances. Some people are unable to give consent, like minors, people with advanced intellectual disabilities, and non-sober people. In other instances, someone can give consent in theory but if consent is not attained in the ways discussed above, it cannot qualify as consent. A prime example of this is stealthing which refers to non-consensual condom removal. Regardless of whether or not the sex acts being performed were consensual, if that consent was given with the understanding that a condom would be used, failure to adhere to that invalidates the consent. When the terms of the consent have been changed without everyone involved being informed, it cannot qualify as consent.

It’s difficult to advise a response to consent violation because every situation is unique. For consent violations that occur within a romantic relationship, you may want to repair it. If it’s accessible to you, it’s a great first step to seek professional help from a relationally trained psychotherapist.

If this is inaccessible, here are some general tips:  

  • First and foremost, take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Do you need to be alone, do you need company, do you need to talk things through? Gauge your immediate needs and address them to whatever extent is accessible to you. 

    • Though independent internal processing is absolutely beneficial, there is a fine line between that and isolating oneself which can stifle the healing process. If you’re uncomfortable speaking to someone you know, consider calling a sexual assault crisis hotline (additional hotlines listed below). 

  • If you are unfamiliar with your own boundaries and comfort levels with various sexual activities, do that work first so you will be able to give your partner(s) guidance to avoid something similar in the future. Should you struggle with this process, Embrace Sexual Wellness has another article about communication and boundaries here. 

  • Scarleteen has an excellent worksheet for navigating your own trauma response which may be useful through this process as well. 

  • It’s nearly impossible to have a relationship without hurting each other at some point. The important part is how you move forward in a way that feels safe and comfortable for everyone involved. 

  • It’s valid if you feel like you cannot repair the relationship after a consent violation. Though it’s easier said than done, prioritizing your needs, even if that means breaking things off, is the only way to ensure your healing process does not become stunted. 

While there are varying definitions of consent violations, the most important consideration is how you feel. Healthy, consensual sex should never leave any participants feeling uncomfortable or violated. If you are a survivor of a consent violation, resources like the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) and Planned Parenthood have thorough guides on how to proceed. If you have been accused of sexual assault, Teen Vogue has a guide for responding appropriately.

Additional Hotlines 

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How to Determine and Communicate Boundaries in Relationships

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Setting boundaries is one of the trickier parts of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Societal conditioning has taught non-men in particular that setting boundaries or denying someone’s request is a faux pas. Communicating boundaries allows for healthy relationships though and it is integral to the health of oneself and one’s relationships to be able to do so.

Why Setting Boundaries is Essential for Healthy Relationships

Communication is a cornerstone of all healthy relationships. Being open and honest about one's feelings helps to prevent building resentment, allows us to work through conflict, and have our needs met. Like any other skill, communication is a muscle that needs to be exercised and will get easier over time as you practice it over and over again. One of the biggest obstacles to setting boundaries can be the instinct to please people, prompting a concern that setting boundaries will offend someone. You cannot be responsible for other people’s emotions so while you should absolutely aim to communicate effectively and kindly, after that their reaction is out of your hands. It’s natural that when you set a new boundary, the other person may feel upset which is understandable because people can’t really control how they feel. What they can, and should control, is their ensuing behavior. Their actions will be telling of their respect for your boundaries; if they push back, refuse to accept it, or do not align their behavior in accordance with the boundary, that is a red flag. Truly supportive people who are invested in your wellbeing will be grateful for the guidance and respect your needs. 

Types of Boundaries and Examples of How to Use Them

With the “why” established, it’s time to talk about the “what.” The initial step is to get in touch with your own needs to figure out what your boundaries should be. Generally speaking, the types of boundaries are physical, time, conversational, content, emotional, material, and sexual.

Here are examples of each:

  • Physical: Asking not to be hugged

  • Time: Setting time ranges where you will or will not be available to be contacted

  • Conversational: Not engaging in conversation about politics with people you are unfamiliar with

  • Content: Not consuming content regarding triggering topics i.e. mental illness

  • Emotional: Telling a friend who needs emotional support that you do not have the emotional space to support them at the moment

  • Material: Not allowing your phone to be accessed without your express permission

  • Sexual: Using protection whenever you have sex 

The exact boundaries that you may set do not have to match the ones above, rather the examples are meant to give you an idea of what boundaries might look like. The “right” boundaries to set are the ones that make you feel healthy, safe, respected, and comfortable.

How to Know What Boundaries You May Need

  • How do you want to be touched and by whom? How do you want your family to physically interact with you, if at all? What about friends? Coworkers?

  • How can you structure your time so you can attend to your responsibilities and also fulfill your own needs? How much alone time do you need, if any? How much time do you want to invest in sectors of your life like work, friendships, romance, etc.? 

  • Are there any topics that make you feel uncomfortable to discuss and what are they? How does that comfort vary based on who you are with? Do you need to set different conversational boundaries for different relationships? Do you have any triggering topics you may want to set boundaries around?

  • Do your social media feeds make you feel good? If not, what could be eliminated or added to change that? How do you consume news, and do you find that your consumption of it is more effective than it is draining? What role does media consumption play in your life? Is there any way it could be improved? How does consuming the media in your life at present make you feel?

  • What activities/interactions boost your emotional energy? What drains it? Do you know how to tell when you cannot take on any more emotional weight?

  • Which possessions would you prefer to keep private? Who is allowed to access those possessions, if anyone other than yourself? Are there certain times you would allow access to those possessions? What does that look like? 

  • What makes you feel safe or unsafe during sex? What conditions will make you the most comfortable and at ease? 

Once you figure out your “what” when it comes to boundaries, the “how” is the final step before expressing the boundaries. It can be scary to express boundaries but remember, it is a gift to the person you are interacting with when you set clear boundaries. If they make you feel like you are a burden, you may want to reconsider the relationship.

Effective Communication Strategies for Setting Boundaries

  • Validate the other person's point of view. Empathy goes a long way.

  • Apologize less, only apologize when it's truly warranted. You don't need to apologize for bringing up an issue with someone, for example, because you have done nothing wrong by setting a boundary, even if they don’t like it. 

  • Avoid making assumptions about the other person's motives or thoughts. Definitely don't accuse someone based on those assumptions.

  • Be respectful. Disagreeing with someone or being hurt by them are not justifications for yelling, insulting, or attacking.

  • Speak from the "I" perspective

    • Example: Instead of "you don't pay attention to my needs," try "I feel upset that my needs aren't being met. Can we talk about how to work on that together?"

  • If what you have to say is unpleasant, don't sugarcoat. Be upfront and honest without trying to be "nice;" it's a crutch and it helps no one. You are responsible for your feelings and for expressing them appropriately but you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings. 

  • LISTEN! This seems obvious but so often, we listen to respond as opposed to listening to understand. Without understanding the other person, your communication will fall flat.

Seeking Support: When to Consider Couples Counseling or Sex Therapy

Hopefully all of this information will set you up for success while setting boundaries in your relationships. If you still find yourself needing more help, there are more resources out there to assist you. Positive Psychology has a great guide to creating boundaries including some worksheets to help encourage self-reflection around it. Mind Body Green offers elaboration on the types of boundaries and examples of each. Finally, Love is Respect is both a great general resource for healthy relationship tips and they also have a specific guide to setting boundaries. 

If you're ready to set healthy boundaries and strengthen your relationship, we're here to help. Reach out to Embrace Sexual Wellness today for expert sex therapy and couples counseling in Chicago. Our compassionate therapists are ready to support you on your journey to a more fulfilling and respectful relationship. Contact us now to schedule your free consultation!

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How To Be A Sex-Positive Parent

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Sexuality shapes how we interface with the world: how we dress, how we speak, and how we parent. While we cannot control the world around us, we can model safety, consent, and pleasure for the young people in our lives. Being a sex-positive caregiver is more than explaining anatomy and the mechanics of reproduction. Rather, sex-positive parenting is a holistic practice that embraces sexuality as an essential aspect of self. 

START A DIALOGUE

There is no right time to have the “talk” because sexuality is always evolving. How you educate your child will look different at the varying stages of their development. It may be tempting to avoid talking about sexuality with your children, but that won’t set them up for success. Being a sex-positive parent means actively teaching young people about sex, bodies, healthy relationships and pleasure, instead of waiting for them to learn solely from their peers or the internet. According to the Pediatric Clinics of North America, a parent's role in sexuality education is vital and is associated with increased engagement in safer sex practices during adolescence. 

WHERE TO BEGIN THE CONVERSATION

  • Start early. According to the CDC, by age 2+ your child will begin to identify certain body parts. Use scientifically accurate terminology (e.g., vulva, penis, scrotum and nipples) during everyday activities including bath time and diaper changes. By normalizing use of accurate names of body parts, your child will be better able to communicate with you if they have an injury or are experiencing any discomfort. During bath time you can discuss the importance of hygiene and demonstrate how to properly wash their genitals, while teaching them to do so on their own as they develop. 

  • Create a judgment free zone. Toddlers commonly touch their genitals, so if you see your child exploring their genitals, let them know that touching their own body can feel good and it is also something to do in the privacy of their own rooms. Oftentimes, genital exploration is more about self soothing versus sexual stimulation and this is a normal part of development. This can also be an opportunity to talk about boundaries and which parts of the home are on versus off limits for self-exploration. For example, if your child  begins touching their genitals at the dinner table, you can reiterate that they are welcome to touch themselves in their room or bathroom, but not at the dinner table. As you child develops, their curiosity around sexuality and self pleasure may increase. 

  • Safer sex. Discuss different types of sex with your adolescents such as dry humping, oral, anal, and vaginal intercourse. Explain that some forms of sexual exploration may be safer than others, and while abstinence is an option, it is most important that they are informed about their body and how to practice safer sex before doing so with a partner. Research suggests that abstinence-only education methods are ineffective in reducing teenage pregnancy and may have an inverse effect on pregnancy outcomes whereas comprehensive sexuality education better prepares young people to be informed and sexually responsible. Making condoms and dental dams easily available at home (i.e., in a bathroom drawer) and talking with teens about birth control options can help them be more prepared for practicing safer sex.

Photo by Kinkazoid

THINGS TO DO

  • Educate your kiddos. Share educational videos with your child and stock their at-home library with developmentally appropriate sexuality books. According to Planned Parenthood, reading books with younger children is a great way to introduce them to the subject of sexuality. Children age 10+ may benefit from reading on their own and then checking in with you afterwards. If reading independently, ask your child what they learned and if they have any questions. Monitor your own reactions by taking a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before answering questions. If you’re not sure how to answer a question, tell them that you have to think about their question because you value their curiosity and you’ll get back to them. 

  • Normalize conversations about bodies and sex. Having regular conversations about sexuality and pleasure demonstrates that these topics are important and normal. By beginning the dialogue early, you will be able to share developmental information slowly, at a digestible pace. Children are eager to learn and having access to developmentally appropriate information is key. For example, if your child asks you where babies come from, your answer will be different when they are pre-kindergarten compared to in fifth grade. When your child is in kindergarten, you may say babies come out of a pregnant person’s uterus. However, as they develop, your explanations will begin to become more complex. Starting around fourth grade you may introduce the concept of gestation and birth through the vaginal canal. When talking about sexuality to your eighth grader, include STI’s, pregnancy prevention, pleasure, and how one can enjoy themselves solo or with a partner(s). 

TOPICS TO INCLUDE

  • Media Literacy. Media literacy is a concept that is particularly useful when educating young people about body image and sexually explicit materials. By explaining that movies are made for entertainment and that real life can be very different from what they see online or on television, this helps them develop more realistic expectations. The goal here is for young people to interact with all forms of media while thinking critically about the content they are viewing. 

  • Pornography. If you find your child exploring pornography, it is important to communicate that porn is designed for adult entertainment and explain the difference between fantasy and reality. Talking about porn can be an opportunity to explore how all bodies are different and all bodies are beautiful. While you can put parental controls on your devices at home, this won’t stop a curious child from exploring pornography outside of the home. Thus, it is important to talk about the unrealistic aspects of media and how that might affect their view of sexuality and pleasure. 

  • Consent. Practicing consent with children throughout the life course promotes safety, respect, boundaries and builds healthy relationships. Encourage young people to ask before engaging in physical affection (e.g., hugs) and say so if they do not want physical affection from a family member. Model consent in conversation by asking children for permission before touching them. Tickling is another opportunity to demonstrate consent. Ask for permission before beginning, and listen to your child when they want you to stop during tickling sessions. When being affectionate with your partner(s) in front of your child, ask your partner(s) for a kiss or a hug and then proceed only after your partner clearly expresses a yes. This helps reinforce consent and bodily autonomy. 

  • Boundaries. Kids mirror and absorb so much information through nonverbal and verbal communication, including through your relationship with other adults. Having healthy boundaries benefits children throughout their lives, especially when it comes to sexuality. By teaching and modeling how to create and communicate boundaries, your child will be better able to advocate for themselves in relationships with others.

The benefits to being a sex-positive caregiver will outweigh any discomfort that may initially come up for you. Taking an active role in children’s sexuality education is crucial to their wellbeing. If you're still feeling hesitant about discussing sexuality with your child, consider our online parenting program, Building Ease Talking About the Birds and the Bees®, or sex ed parent coaching.

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