How Long Should I Wait Before Having Sex With My bumble Date?

The decisions you make about your body are entirely yours. Sex included. Often after going out with a new special someone, we chat with our friends, coworkers or family about the experience. Then what happens? Opinions. Lots of them. These people who are close to us impart their ideas about the date (or series of dates), "He took you where?" or "She said what?" and then we download a new perspective entirely. See how easy it is for our inner circle to influence our decisions...

Let's make this decision YOURS.

Sex brings up a lot for people whether it be intense emotions, past experiences, ideas about commitment, concerns about STIs/unplanned pregnancy, body image, cultural understandings and religious beliefs, etc. If you consult every person from your inner circle, they may each give you different answers based on their own beliefs.. making it more complicated than calculated. What matters most is what you believe and whether you feel prepared to engage sexually with this other person.

The right time to have sex for one person is unlikely to be the same for another, so there's no quantitative one-size-fits-all answer.  However, here are a few of my favorite questions to consider when making your decision:

Can you talk about being intimate while you're not in the heat of the moment?

Discussing what you desire in an intimate relationship with your date, while you are fully clothed and sipping coffee, can be just as sexy as that steamy kiss you shared last Friday night. Think of this as foreplay for your brain. It also helps clear up any expectations you each may have.

If you were sexually intimate right now, what do you imagine that would be like for you?

Sometimes new (sexual) experiences are exciting and other times they feel scary. If you notice that you feel uneasy about having sex right now, I'd encourage you to embrace that and not make any decision that doesn't feel right to YOU. Identifying the source of the discomfort can be helpful to determine: What might help you feel more comfortable? Many people feel anxious about having sex because they worry about unplanned pregnancy or contracting an STI. One strategy to yield the nerves would be to talk with your partner about your beliefs about contraception and plans for safer sex. Pro tip: Make your next date a trip to the local clinic to get tested together for STIs.

What are 5 things you like about this person that are not visible to the naked eye? 

This one may sound silly, yet it is important to like our partners if we are taking stock in exploring their bodies sexually. Now, maybe you don't feel that being "in love" is a prerequisite for sex, totally fair.  However, if you are going to be trusting your body with someone (and during sex, trust is involved), finding 5 things you can appreciate about him or her should be easy to do. Think about it this way: if you knew your date didn't like you as a person, would you still want to be with them sexually?

What are the tradeoffs of waiting to be sexual?

If sex were a car and desire were gasoline, then distance is desire's gasoline. That first moment when you greet your date after nearly a week and you've been thinking about one another frequently, KABOOM! Those few days apart (that distance) is what makes your first interaction feel so powerful and exciting.

So maybe you both have been kissing a lot and that feels good right now and you are considering taking things to the next level sexually, awesome. Here's a question: if you waited a little while longer (maybe a day or a few more weeks), what would you gain instead? Often when I ask this question, people seem confused but their answers usually reside with closeness, greater confidence, a deepened sense of trust, more developed commitment, increased awareness & Desire, Desire, Desire. Taking the time to really understand the person you swiped right will likely enhance your sexual experience in the long run, keeping the anticipation flowing until you are both ready to embark on this sexual expedition.

5 Things to Remember Before Bringing Your Significant Other Home for the Holidays

Holiday season is among us –a time of year that is most traditionally known for its cheerful spirit, prevailing gratitude and generosity. So why does bringing your significant other along make you want to run? Sometimes things that are supposed to be exciting like Thanksgiving dinner or holiday parties with the entire family are particularly stressful.

Let’s say you are anticipating that your mom is going to comment on how you still haven’t lost the “freshman fifteen” you have been hanging onto since college and your dad is going to try to have a serious conversation about your future, suddenly the upcoming holiday celebrations don’t sound so exciting. Add a stubborn grandparent, a dysfunctional aunt and uncle and a younger cousin who always boasts about their achievements in your face to the mix. Sounding fun yet?

So bringing your special someone as a guest to your family holiday celebrations might stir some things up for you and that is a-okay. Here are some tips to help you survive this holiday season riding the love train and not the stress express.

1. Give Them A Scouting Report. Run through everyone your significant other will be meeting so it will feel less overwhelming when they walk in the door. If there are a lot of names to remember, try using a pen and paper to draw out the family tree or look at family photos.

2. Make an S.O.S. Plan, Just In Case. Intentionally plan for stressful moments to happen. This way, you adjust your expectations so you can work together if sh*t hits the fan. For example, if you know certain topics (i.e. the election) will cause your special someone’s blood pressure to skyrocket, discuss an exit plan for you to step in if they are feeling overwhelmed. On the other hand, if you have beef with a relative, now is the time to tell your S.O. which person “not to piss off” and in what circumstances you might be on edge or need some extra support.

3. Expect ALL Of The Relationship Questions: How long have you been together? Where did you meet? What was your first date like? Relatives love to ask about your relationship for a million reasons, especially those curious younger children. So, prepare yourselves in advance by playing the “20 Questions” game to help one another feel confident in your responses.

4. Review The House Rules. Rituals and traditions are important to some families. If your family says Grace before Thanksgiving dinner and your guest is not religious, let them know so they can decide if they want to participate. Make sure to give your S.O. the heads up about any topics that are off limits or whether foul language is permitted.

5. Beware of Sensitivities. If your S.O. is super introverted or has a low tolerance for large groups of people, you might consider initiating one-on-one conversations with a few of your relatives who share common interests as opposed to a table with everyone. Or, if you know your family members are carnivores and your partner is vegan, now might be a good time to talk about bringing a Field Roast or some dairy-free eggnog.

Just remember to introduce your guest… Ahead of time! Tell your family about your S.O. by sharing your top five favorite things about them. Keep it brief, but make sure you emphasize that they will be coming with you to the celebration and it is important to you that they feel welcomed. Plus, the host will appreciate this as they are probably taking a head count for dinner and will want to know much food to prepare.

Now, you are ready to relax and enjoy the holiday season!

Are You Ready to Dare to Be Direct in Your Relationship?

Are you and your partner finding yourselves going in circles when it comes to making decisions? Does indecisiveness sometimes create unnecessary tension in your relationship? If so, it might be time to ask yourself: Are you ready to try direct communication?

Direct communication can be a powerful tool in any relationship. By clearly expressing what you want, you help your partner understand exactly how they can meet your needs and strengthen your connection. Here are some pro-tips for delivering a direct request:

The Power of Direct Communication: Tips and Techniques

1. Identify What You’re Seeking

Before you can ask for what you want, you need to be clear on what that is. Whether you’re seeking quality time, problem-solving, a listening ear, or an adventurous outing, identifying your needs first will boost your confidence when it comes time to communicate them.

2. Spell It Out (With Words)

We’re all human, not mind readers. Instead of hoping your partner will guess what you’re thinking, tell them directly. For example, saying, “Hey babe, I’d really love to take a walk and get some mint-chocolate chip ice cream after dinner,” is much clearer than, “Hey babe, what would you like to do after dinner?” (while secretly hoping they suggest ice cream).

Clear communication prevents misunderstandings and keeps both of you on the same page.

3. Share the Why Behind Your Request

Sometimes, explaining why you’re making a request can help your partner understand its significance. For instance, saying, “I’d really like us to spend the afternoon just the two of us because quality time makes me feel appreciated and relaxed,” gives context and may make your partner more receptive to your needs.

4. Practice Makes Perfect

Like any skill, direct communication improves with practice. Pay attention to your partner’s feedback when you make requests. Notice what tone of voice works best, whether they respond better to a calm or vibrant tone, and whether they seem more engaged when you have their undivided attention. Adjust your approach based on these observations to improve future interactions.

Why Is Direct Communication Worth the Effort?

Daring to be direct in your communication can transform your relationship, helping you avoid the frustration of unspoken expectations and misunderstandings. When you clearly express your needs and desires, you create a pathway for mutual understanding and stronger connections.

So, ask yourself: Are you ready to take the direct approach in your relationship? The effort you put into refining this skill can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious partnership.

If you’re still feeling stuck or unsure where to start, consider consulting a couples therapist who can offer guidance and support in building your interpersonal communication skills.