Wondering How to Navigate Tough Conversations? Here Are 4 Tips

Having tough conversations is a fundamental part of any close relationship, platonic, romantic, and/or sexual. Unfortunately, that fact doesn’t make them any easier to have. Whether you want to talk to a friend about their chronic lateness or to your partner about your needs not being met, or any number of other examples, this article will discuss important, widely applicable conflict management tips to help you through it.

1) Being effective versus being right

Even though digging in your heels and trying to prove your correctness might feel more appealing and satisfying than aiming for effectiveness, it will foster a much more contentious conversation. Being right might be more satisfying in the short term, but focusing on being effective will be far more satisfying and bring more peace to your life in the long term. In an ideal world, you wouldn’t have to choose, but when you do have to choose, effectiveness will ultimately serve you and the relationship far more.

2) Operate on the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment…

…even if that “best” is not enough for you right now. We are all imperfect and no matter how much we wish we could always bring our best self to the table, that simply isn’t the case. No matter how much you disagree with the person sitting across from you, the assumption that you are both doing your best can mitigate feelings of resentment. Just because someone is trying their best doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be held responsible for where they get it wrong, but reframing their intentions in this way makes it easier to empathize, and therefore easier to have a productive conversation.

3) Reframe the conflict as a team versus a problem instead of person versus person

In a tough conversation with a loved one, instead of going head to head and focusing on how to prove the other person wrong, try to approach the conflict as the two of you against the problem together. In a healthy relationship dynamic, you will have something in common: a desire to reach a resolution and you should use that commonality to your advantage. Reminding the other person of this fact can help defuse intense moments so you can proceed to a more effective solution.

4) Use the GIVE skill from DBT

Dialectical behavioral therapy is a modified type of cognitive behavioral therapy which primarily aims to teach how to live in the present, healthily cope, improve interpersonal interactions, and regulate intense emotions. An interpersonal effectiveness DBT skill is “GIVE” which stands for: (be) Gentle, (act) Interested, Validate, (use an) Easy Manner. Being Gentle means being nice and respectful while avoiding judgment, blaming, or threats. Acting Interested refers to active listening. Validating involves showing that you understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings; for example you might reiterate your understanding of what they’ve just told you to ensure you’re on the same page. Finally, an Easy Manner means checking your attitude at the door and bringing your kindest self to the table.

Though we hope these tips will help you facilitate a kind, collaborative conversation, it’s important to keep in mind that utilizing them will not necessarily eliminate all unpleasantness and challenge from your interpersonal interactions. That being said, if you try these tips and you still feel unequipped, consider seeing a therapist like the ones at Embrace Sexual Wellness.

Anxiety Getting in the Way of Sex? Here Are Some Tips

Anxiety comes in many forms, from generalized to circumstantial to sexual and beyond. Any type of anxiety has the potential to interfere with your sex life. If you're experiencing anxiety, it's important to know that you aren't alone. The good news is that anxiety can be addressed and there are tools to make it easier to have the sex life you want. Sometimes, stigma surrounding anxiety makes it difficult to openly talk about it or to ask for help but in reality there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Regardless of how you experience anxiety or why, it can affect how you connect with people and yourself which is why it gets in the way of sex. Anxiety has the potential to lower your libido, deflate your confidence, stop you from asking what you want, and prevent you from achieving orgasm - just to name a few effects. You need to figure out the root of your anxiety in order to address it properly. For instance, if your anxiety stems from body insecurity, you may try to spend your energy working on your body image; if your anxiety primarily stems from something like mental illness, this may not be the most efficient way to help your anxiety. Ultimately, there is no one size fits all treatment so it will likely take trial and error to figure out what works best for you. 

Here are some ways to help with anxiety and your sex life:

• Try to be non-judgmentally mindful and stay in the moment. This is easier said than done but if your mind is constantly wandering during sex, it’s hard to enjoy yourself. You can find tips for being more mindful during sex here.

• Talk with your partner(s) about your experience with anxiety. Letting them know that you are experiencing anxiety may alleviate some feelings by getting it out in the open to address. This way, you and your partner can try to work on the problem as a team, as opposed to you navigating it alone.

• Take the pressure off of “goal oriented sex,” like expecting penetration or an orgasm as an integral part of “successful” sex. Physical intimacy takes many forms and unlearning expectations about what it “should” look like can help you enjoy yourself more.

• Give yourself grace. Anxiety is not your fault and you deserve to be patient with yourself as you work through it.

• Therapy is a great option for addressing anxiety if it’s available to you. Consider reaching out to Embrace Sexual Wellness to get in touch with a therapist today!

3 Ways Chronic Illness Affects Sexual Wellness (and How to Address It)

Chronic illnesses like cancer and immune diseases can interfere with sexual wellness and might diminish one’s capacity to enjoy sex. Various factors play into this with more obvious ones like chronic pain in addition to the not-so-obvious ones like the emotional strain of chronic illness and lack of body confidence. Being chronically ill doesn’t have to be a sex life death sentence though. 

Managing a sex life while chronically ill is not an easy task, but progress in the medical field, especially sexology and sex therapy, means that there are more resources than ever to help you along your journey of sexual discovery. Instead of aiming advice at specific illnesses, this article will instead be structured around addressing the symptoms that get in the way of a fulfilling sex life.

Pain Flare Ups

Pain is the most obvious sex deterrent associated with chronic illness. Regardless of where it is, pain is distracting and draining, neither of which is ideal for enjoying intimacy. Aside from general pain management like medication and physical therapy, some ways to adapt your sex life are to use supportive pillows, choose comfortable sex positions, and experiment with assistive devices.

Body Confidence Issues

Depending on the chronic illness, you may struggle with body image issues in addition to the symptoms directly associated with the condition. Poor body image often feeds into a low sex drive and causes distress on both counts. This Embrace Sexual Wellness blog post talks about feeling at home in your body as a queer person, but the general principles are a solid place to start when addressing body confidence issues. If you’re feeling alone in this struggle, check out this article with stories from people who have struggled with body confidence due to chronic illness.

Communication and the Importance of Utilizing Resources

Perhaps the single most part of making this equation work is having an understanding partner who you can communicate comfortably with. This is important for anyone but especially when you may have to navigate specific health-related needs, it is imperative that you do that with someone who feels safe.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t have to be alone on this journey. Professionals like the sex therapists at Embrace Sexual Wellness are amazing resources for navigating the complicated relationship between illness and sexual wellness. 

All of this information might be overwhelming and that’s okay. The only timeline you need to stick to is the one that serves you best. There is no rush to figure anything out and if you are feeling pressured by others to figure it out faster, you may want to reevaluate those relationships. Chronic illness comes with a multitude of unique challenges but luckily you don’t have to navigate them alone. Not sure where to start? We’d be happy to help you get started! You can contact Embrace Sexual Wellness here.