Sexual Senescence: How Sexuality Changes with Age and What to Do About It

The only constant in life is change and sexuality is no exception. Over the course of a lifetime, a litany of factors will affect one’s sexuality and relationship with sex, including, but not limited to, age, biological sex, physical ability, hormonal changes, life circumstances, body image, and trauma. Even though it is common for one’s sexuality to evolve over a lifetime, the relationship between aging and sex, sometimes referred to as “sexual senescence,” remains shrouded in taboo and misconceptions. One such ageist misconception is that seniors do not experience sexual desire or have sex. This is an inaccurate assessment, many seniors do maintain a thriving sex life. In fact, many people feel that they have a more fulfilling sex life in older age because they know more about what they like and how to communicate it. This article is for seniors who want to have sex but are feeling limited by the effects of senescence. It will discuss the common limitations for seniors interested in having sex and how to address them.     

How does sex change with age?

Changes in sexual function are a common part of the aging process, though they are not universally experienced in the same way by all individuals. The impact of menopause and andropause is a key factor influencing sexual health and desire in later life. Medically speaking, menopause officially begins 12 months after a menstruating person’s last period. That being said, menopause is preceded by perimenopause, which can also present with symptoms that are disruptive to your sex life like lower libido. Menopausal people might experience vaginal dryness, atrophy, or a drop in estrogen levels, which can impact their enjoyment of sex. Similarly, andropausal people may experience a drop in testosterone levels and accordingly, erectile dysfunction which could impact their enjoyment of sex.

How can I improve my sexual health during aging?

Fortunately, there are some interventions to help with these hormonal changes. Lubricants, regular moisturizing, longer foreplay and estrogen therapy can help relieve vaginal dryness brought on by menopause. Andropause can cause erectile dysfunction which can be addressed with medications and healthful habits. Such medical interventions include testosterone therapy and oral medications like sildenafil or tadalafil. Consider talking to your doctor about your specific concerns and how to best address them.

Does sexual dysfunction increase with age?

Due to hormonal changes and other factors such as disability, medication, and energy levels, low libido is not uncommon among seniors. Depending on the cause of your low libido, the intervention will look different. Fortunately, you do not have to simply resign yourself to these obstacles and there are options for addressing low libido and desire discrepancy in a relationship.  

How do you maintain sexual health in older age?

Since conception is often less relevant in late adulthood, some people are tempted to take fewer precautions to practice safer sex. Unfortunately, age does not protect people from contracting sexually transmitted infections. This means it’s still important to use safer sex practices. Condoms, vaccinations, and regular testing are great ways to minimize the risk of STI transmission. 

 An active, fulfilling sex life is possible at any age. What is normal for one person or partnership varies, so it is most important to figure out how to approach sexuality as you age based on your specific needs. Remember that penetrative sex is not the only way to be intimate with someone. You could explore using sex toys, trying more solo and/or mutual masturbation, giving each other massages, oral sex, or skin to skin cuddling. As your needs, wants, and capabilities evolve, your approach to addressing them has to evolve too. If you have limitations due to aging that prevent you from engaging in specific sexual activities, that does not mean forgoing a great sex life.   

Takeaways

The most important part of navigating your evolving relationship with sexuality is to keep an open line of communication between you and your partner(s) about what you want and what works best for you in approaching your sex life. If you need emotional and logistical support figuring out how to supplement your sex life, consider working with a therapist.    

How to Manage Limiting beliefs and Negative Self-Talk

As the old saying goes, you are your own worst critic. Most people experience some form of negative self-talk and limiting beliefs. Negative self-talk is the inner voice that says self-defeating things like “I can’t do anything right,” or “I am not good at communication.” This internal dialogue serves to validate your core beliefs about yourself, which turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. For instance, if one of your core beliefs is that you are unlovable, your brain will fixate on the experiences that validate that belief to the exclusion of examples that counteract that belief. When you fixate on those examples, you get stuck in a cycle in which your core beliefs affect your interpretation of the world around you, which in turn reaffirms the core beliefs.

What is a limiting belief?

Limiting beliefs are intertwined with negative self-talk; they are your internal beliefs that you take as absolute truths about what you are or aren’t capable of, how the world works, and how you interact with people. Limiting beliefs often keep us from straying from our comfort zone because it’s easier, less risky, and acts as a defense from hurt and disappointment. Protection from hurt sounds like a good thing, but the word limiting is part of the phrase for a reason. When there is nothing ventured, there is nothing gained. In other words, your limiting beliefs could be preventing you from achieving your goals. Our beliefs are often rooted in childhood experiences, family beliefs, and life experiences. 

An example of a limiting belief is “I’m not good at leadership.” Often, these beliefs are rooted in emotions tied to the past and not rooted in actual evidence. This differs from negative self-talk in that it reflects your beliefs about what you’re capable of as opposed to negative self-talk about your character. Even if there is evidence to support them, that doesn’t mean they are immutable truths. Just because you have not historically been a leader in team dynamics, does not mean you are incapable or unable to try it and learn how to do it.

How do I let go of negative self-talk?

When you engage with negative self-talk and limiting beliefs, it can negatively impact self-confidence, motivation, and achieving what you want. If you experience negative self-talk and limiting beliefs, there are steps you can take to address them and reframe your mindset for the better.

Be intentional about noticing which negative thoughts and beliefs come up habitually

It’s hard to address a problem without fully understanding what it is you want to change. Make a list of the recurring negative thoughts you have about yourself and your capabilities. Then, you can try to identify the origin of these beliefs, which will further flesh out your understanding of what you need to unlearn and how you got to believe these thoughts in the first place.  

Fake it until you make it

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Something has to give when you try to break out of a destructive pattern and that will be uncomfortable. When you go through the motions of counteracting negative thoughts with more positive ones, even if you don’t believe the positive thoughts yet, you will eventually start to believe them after practicing. Remember that your thoughts are not an immutable reality. When you start to recognize that they are just thoughts and that they do not have to control everything you do, you can start to liberate yourself from your inner critic. Sometimes the best way to retrain your brain is to change your behavior first and let the thoughts follow. The caveat to this approach is that the positive affirmations need to be realistic in order for it to be achievable for you to eventually believe them. If you, for example, experience negative self-talk about your appearance, instead of counteracting that with something like “I am the most beautiful person ever,” try something like “I am enough regardless of my appearance.” Another way to utilize “faking it until you make it” is by going for opportunities that your limiting beliefs would have you think you are unqualified for. Go for that promotion or ask that person out; if you wait to do what you want until you are not scared anymore, you will be waiting a long time. If you want to do it, you can do it scared.  

Shift from negativity to neutrality

Making the leap from negative thoughts to totally positive thoughts is daunting! Instead, try “moving toward the task” instead of trying to complete it in one move. Shifting from negative thoughts to more neutral thoughts is a great way to move towards positivity! The changes you make do not need to be seismic to be effective. It is unrealistic and overwhelming to strive for perfection immediately so give yourself credit for any progress you are making.

Let the thoughts simply pass by instead of engaging with them

When we get stuck ruminating over a thought, it feels all-consuming. There is a dialectical behavioral therapy skill called ”teflon mind” which encourages you to simply observe your negative thoughts rather than engaging with them and prolonging the internalization. Your thoughts do not define you and you do not need to take every single one to heart. 

Takeaways

Even after working on it, you will probably still have negative thoughts sometimes. It’s a natural part of being human, especially if your negative self-talk and limiting beliefs have existed for a long time. Something established over years and years cannot be broken down in a few weeks, months, or a few years. If you try some of the approaches listed above and continue to feel overwhelmed by negative self-talk and limiting beliefs, you should consider finding a therapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is a form of therapy that involves restructuring how you think and perceive the world around you, particularly turning negative thoughts into positive thoughts. Negative thinking can take a toll on mental health and well being so trying to change them can improve your life quality greatly.      

Am I Addicted to Sex, or are my Sexual Behaviors Out-of-Control? What’s the Difference?

Sexual behavior is a complex and multifaceted aspect of human experience that can vary significantly from person to person. When it comes to understanding and addressing problematic sexual behaviors, professionals use different models to conceptualize and treat these issues. Two commonly used models include the sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model. This article will explore the key differences between these two models and clarify their unique approaches and perspectives.

Exploring the Sex Addiction Model

The sex addiction model is based on the belief that problematic sexual behaviors are akin to addiction, with individuals engaging in compulsive and out-of-control sexual behaviors despite adverse consequences. This model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals exhibiting similar behavior patterns to those seen in substance addiction. It often focuses on the belief that individuals lack control over their sexual behaviors and engage in them to cope with emotional distress or other underlying issues.

The sex addiction model typically involves a 12-step program or similar approach adapted from addiction recovery models. It may include abstinence from certain sexual behaviors, as well as attending support groups, therapy, and working on relapse prevention strategies. Treatment may also involve addressing underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that may contribute to the addictive patterns of sexual behavior.

Exploring the Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior Model

The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, views problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue rather than an addiction. This model emphasizes the lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior but does not necessarily categorize it as an addiction. It views problematic sexual behaviors as a coping mechanism for unmet emotional needs, unresolved trauma, or other underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues.

The out-of-control sexual behavior model typically involves a therapeutic approach that addresses the underlying issues contributing to problematic sexual behaviors. This may include exploring and resolving past traumas, developing healthy coping skills, improving emotional regulation, and managing relational dynamics that may impact sexual behaviors. It may also involve discussing and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships.

What are key differences between these two models?

1. Conceptualization of Problematic Sexual Behaviors

The sex addiction model views problematic sexual behaviors as an addiction, with individuals lacking control and engaging in compulsive behaviors despite negative consequences. The out-of-control sexual behavior model, on the other hand, considers problematic sexual behaviors as a symptom of an underlying issue, such as emotional distress or unresolved trauma.

2. Approach to Treatment

The sex addiction model often involves a 12-step or similar program focusing on abstinence from certain sexual behaviors and recovery strategies adapted from addiction recovery. The out-of-control sexual behavior model addresses underlying psychological, emotional, or relational issues that contribute to problematic sexual behaviors; this approach involves developing healthy coping skills in therapy. Both approaches are informed by the conceptualization of the behavior by both the client and the therapist.

3. Language and Terminology

The sex addiction model uses language and terminology commonly associated with addiction, such as "addiction," "compulsion," and "relapse." The out-of-control sexual behavior model uses language that reflects a lack of impulse control or difficulties regulating sexual behavior without necessarily categorizing it as an addiction.

4. Emphasis on Underlying Issues

The sex addiction model views the behavior as the problem with limited exploration of other potential underlying issues. Essentially, it’s approached by working to eliminate the behavior, and then other problems will resolve themselves once you can control your sexual addiction. The out-of-control sexual behavior model significantly addresses the underlying psychological, cognitive, emotional, and relational issues that may contribute to problematic sexual behaviors. This may involve exploring past traumas, addressing emotional regulation skills, working on relational dynamics, and challenging unhealthy beliefs or patterns of thinking related to sexuality and relationships. Contrary to the sex addiction model, this model suggests that the behavior developed as a coping strategy for the other underlying issues at play but that the behavior itself may not be problematic in isolation.

Takeaway

When addressing problematic sexual behaviors, it's essential to recognize that professionals use different models and approaches. The sex addiction model and the out-of-control sexual behavior model are two common perspectives, each with unique conceptualizations and treatment approaches. It's essential to understand the differences between these models to decide which approach may be more suitable for an individual's needs.

If you're wrestling with problematic sexual behaviors, seeking professional help from a qualified therapist or counselor is essential. A trained professional can conduct a thorough assessment, understand the unique factors contributing to the issue, and develop a tailored treatment plan based on the individual's needs and circumstances. Whether it's the sex addiction or the out-of-control sexual behavior model, therapy aims to provide support, guidance, and tools to help individuals address the underlying issues and develop healthy coping strategies for managing their sexual behaviors.

Not everyone agrees on the concept of sex addiction, and there is an ongoing debate within the field of psychology regarding its validity as a diagnostic category. Some professionals may align more with the out-of-control sexual behavior model, the sex addiction model, or alternative approaches. It's essential to approach this topic openly and discuss any questions or concerns with a qualified therapist or counselor before beginning treatment.