Questioning Your Gender, Now What?

So, you read our last blog post about gender and sexuality and after some self-reflection, you’ve got questions. Or maybe you’ve had questions for a while and are feeling a bit lost. Either way, lucky for you, you’ve got questions and we’ve got answers! Gender is an extremely complex concept; because it’s so deeply ingrained in every aspect of Western society, it can be difficult to divest yourself from oppressive notions of gender that were forced on you. Questioning your gender and your place in a world structured around gender binaries is a scary prospect and it’s okay to feel uncertain or uncomfortable. 

At the end of the day, this journey is for you and you only, with the ultimate goal being you feeling comfortable in your own skin. You deserve happiness and gender euphoria. There is nothing wrong or broken about you. There is no right way to be a particular gender therefore you can never be wrong. 

If you’re struggling to get started, here are some points to consider:

• If you’re considering changing facets of your identity like your name or pronouns, a good way to see if they fit is by “piloting” them with a group of trusted friends or family. This way, you don’t need to commit to a public announcement before you’re sure of yourself. 

• It’s never too late to question and explore! 

• You don’t need to have dysphoria or a desire to transition in order to be transgender or non-binary.

• There’s no deadline for figuring yourself out. Give yourself the grace of time to figure things out. 

• You may never arrive at a final destination; navigating and understanding gender identity is a complex and lifelong process. 

• Don’t get caught up in a need for labels and codification. Though labels can certainly be comforting, they may also be limiting. 

• You will almost inevitably experience confusion at some point and that’s not your fault; when you pick apart the way gender structures society, you will begin to see that there are a lot of holes in the logic underlying it which makes rearing up against those expectations so confusing and difficult. 

• If it’s accessible to you, don’t go it alone. Whether that means seeing a gender therapist, finding support groups either online or in person, or just talking it out with a trusted individual, you deserve external support throughout this process. 

• Institutions that you may have been taught were created to help you like medicine and education have ingrained systemic transphobia. While there are certainly individuals within these institutions that may be genuinely accepting and helpful, this is likely not the case for the majority of people you interact within these contexts, particularly depending on your specific geography. 

• If you find yourself self-invalidating your gender questioning process because you don’t feel genderqueer/trans “enough” but you wish you were (insert gender identity), that is indicative of that identity fitting you. Wanting to be a certain gender is a “symptom,” for lack of a better word, of being that gender. 

• Additionally, questioning is a valid identity. You might not want to be a certain gender and that is also telling and legitimate. The beauty of questioning the gender binary is that there are no wrong answers, nor does there have to be an answer in the first place. Questioning as an identity is every bit as valid as any other label.  

At the end of the day, try to find the balance between honoring your gender identity and not becoming overcome by the intricacies of navigating gender. Gender is performance in its most basic form and there are ways to make that performance fun. We didn’t choose the gender binary that exists around us, but we can choose to make it work for each of us to the best of our ability by understanding what makes us feel liberated. 

Inspired by Adrian Ballou’s article, it is important to qualify that this article is being written from the perspective of a singular white genderqueer person which may influence the suggestions provided.

Understanding Gender and Sex

Gender and sex are far more complex than the binary categorizations presented to the majority of us in school. Gender and sex refer to, while tangentially related, two distinct concepts. 

Gender is a social construct used to organize society that dictates expectations based on gender roles. In this sense, gender as a socially constructed organizational tool is more so a performance and what we do rather than what we inherently are. Though the widely accepted genders are limited to male and female, gender is far more fluid and multifaceted than that. Gender identity is specifically how one feels they align within the social construct of gender. For some, their gender may align with their sex assigned at birth which is the label one is given at birth based on perceived biology and other factors; when these two identities match, that makes a person cisgender. For those whose gender identity and assigned sex at birth differs, they are transgender. 

The term “assigned sex at birth” differs from, for instance, “biological sex,” because it acknowledges that the gender expectation was placed upon a newborn without their input and instead solely focuses on observable biological characteristics. This is a faulty method, however, because it fails to account for intersex people who don’t exactly align with the biological expectations of women, nor men. Furthermore, as evidenced by the existence of transgender people, one’s assigned sex and therefore, assigned gender role, is not always correct with how an individual internally feels. 

KEY TERMS

• Gender: Broadly speaking, gender refers to the socially constructed characteristics of women and men – such as norms, roles and relationships of and between groups of women and men. It varies from society to society and can be changed. When individuals or groups do not “fit” established gender norms they often face stigma, discriminatory practices or social exclusion – all of which adversely affect health.” Furthermore, on an individual level, West and Zimmerman’s “Doing Gender” delineates the idea that each person performs gender based on socially agreed gender expectations. Importantly, this idea focuses on gender as a psychologically trained set of behaviors, rather than innate qualities. 

• Assigned Sex: Label (typically “male” or “female”) that one is given at birth based on one’s biology

• Gender Role: Social role encompassing behaviors considered appropriate for an individual based on their perceived sex.

• Gender Expression: Notably distinct from gender identity, gender expression is how one presents themselves through clothing, hair, makeup, or any other visible characteristic. Though it typically aligns with one’s internal understanding of gender identity, it does not necessarily need to. 

• Transgender: A person whose gender does not align with the label ascribed to their assigned sex at birth.

• Cisgender: A person whose gender aligns with their label ascribed to their assigned sex at birth.

• Non-Binary: A person who does not identify with either binary gender.

• Cissexism/cisgenderism: A system that presumes that people fall into one of two categories of gender, male and female. This system privileges those who subscribe to it and conform to it (cisgender people), while oppressing those who do not (transgender people). 

• Transphobia: Negative thoughts and actions taken against those who are trans and those who are perceived as transgender. 

• Transnormativity: The ideology and expectation that trans people are tolerated only if they adhere to traditional gender roles, gender expression, heteronormativity, and overall respectability politics. Though all transgender people face discrimination, the closer one aligns with transnormativity, the more socially "acceptable" they are deemed. This is the phenomenology that undergirds cissexism. 

• Intersex: General term for a variety of circumstances in which a person is born with reproductive anatomy that does not fit within the delineated binary understanding of sex. 

• Pronouns: Pronouns are the words we use to refer to someone in place of using their name. Common pronouns are she/her, he/him, and they/them, the latter of which, when used singularly, is gender neutral. Though these are the most frequently used, there are additional gender neutral pronouns such as ze/hir (pronounced “zee” and “here,” respectively). Pronouns often align with one’s gender identity, but pronouns do not equal gender and therefore knowing someone’s gender does not necessarily indicate their pronouns, and vice versa. Using the correct pronouns is a part of basic respect. 

BECOME A PRONOUN PRO

• How should I ask someone’s pronouns? 

  • A great way to go about this is by introducing yourself and your pronouns first. For instance, you could say something like, “Hi, my name is (name) and I use she/her pronouns. What are your pronouns, if you’re comfortable sharing?” 

• What if I need to refer to someone whose pronouns I don’t know?

  • Generally speaking, using the gender neutral they/them is acceptable in these instances, until you learn their correct pronouns. You should never assume someone’s pronouns based on your perception of them. 

• What if I make a mistake?

  • That’s okay! You’re still learning and as long as you’re trying, no one can fault you for that. It’s natural to make mistakes. In response, do not make a big deal of it; simply apologize and thank the person who corrected you and move on. Making a bigger deal out of it can inadvertently burden the person you misgendered with your guilt. 

• What are some gender neutral alternatives to gendered language such as “guys”? 

  • Instead of “guys,” try “y’all,” “folks,” or “friends.” 

  • Instead of “brother/sister,” try “siblings.” 

  • Instead of “niece/nephew,” try “nibling.” 

  • Instead of “ma’am/sir,” try “Mx.” (pronounced “mix”).

This is merely an introduction to some key concepts surrounding gender and sex. Below you’ll find resources for further learning. 

• A Simple Way to Understand the Origin of Gender Roles 

• Alice Dreger: Is anatomy destiny? | TED Talk

• Here's Why the Gender Binary Hurts Us All

• If We Want Equality, Then We Must Stop Perpetuating Gender Roles

• The Past, Present and Future of Gender Norms

• The Danger of Gender The Danger of Gender Reveal Parties Parties 

• Explained: Difference between gender, gender expression 

• The Struggles of Rejecting the Gender Binary 

• Understanding Non-Binary People

• What Is Gender Expression?

• How Getting Dressed As A Non-Binary Individual Is A Political Act

• How to use neopronouns in sentences

• Inclusivity tips

• Map of Gender diverse Cultures

• More on Neopronouns

• You Could Never Misgender Me

• Sex vs. Gender

• Types of Gender Identities 

Since gender is something that affects us all, everyone, regardless of gender identity, deserves to understand the intricacies of the system that organizes society. Having a greater understanding of gender on a societal level allows us to understand ourselves better and how we each fit into the grand scheme of society. It also allows us to interact with one another in the most respectful way possible in order to validate each other’s identities.    

Happy Pride! Our LGBTQIA+ Resource Round-up

June is pride month, which means we get to celebrate LGBTQIA+ people past and present! This pride month, we’ve curated a bunch of our favorite resources for you to explore. They are sorted into websites, movies, TV shows, and books. This is by no means an exhaustive list but it serves as an excellent jumping off point for both LGBTQIA+ people and allies.   

Digital Resources

• O.School

  • “O.school is your non-judgmental resource for sexuality and dating. We help people build sexual confidence through medically-accurate videos, articles and live streams. We’re here for everyone - whether you’re having lots of sex or no sex, there’s so much to know about your body”

• Planned Parenthood

  • Planned Parenthood is the nation’s largest sex education resource. They offer a holistic view of sex ed, covering topics from safer sex to sexual assault to LGBTQ+ specific information. 

• The Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN)

  • “GLSEN works to ensure that LGBTQ students are able to learn and grow in a school environment free from bullying and harassment” 

• The Trevor Project 

  • “The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.” 

• Bisexual Resource Center 

  • “The Bisexual Resource Center works to connect the bi+ community and help its members thrive through resources, support, and celebration. Through this work, we envision an empowered, visible, and inclusive global community for bi+ people.” 

• PFLAG

  • “PFLAG is the first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families, and allies.”

• Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) 

  • “GLAAD rewrites the script for LGBTQ acceptance. As a dynamic media force, GLAAD tackles tough issues to shape the narrative and provoke dialogue that leads to cultural change.”

• National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) 

  • “NCLR is a national legal organization committed to advancing the civil and human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people and their families through litigation, legislation, policy, and public education.” 

• ONE National Gay & Lesbian Archives

  • “ONE National Gay & Lesbian Archives at the USC Libraries is the largest repository of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer (LGBTQ) materials in the world.”

• LGBTQ+ Studies: A Resource Guide 

  • “This guide offers an introduction to the impressive LGBTQ+ collections of the Library of Congress. The Library collects at the research level in the area of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ+) studies. Library holdings are particularly strong in LGBTQ+ politics, history, literature and the performing arts”

• Human Rights Campaign

  • “HRC works to improve the lives of LGBTQ people worldwide by advocating for equal rights and benefits in the workplace, ensuring families are treated equally under the law, and increasing public support around the globe.”

Documentaries + Movies

Blurbs are from imdb.com. 

• Moonlight directed by Barry Jenkins

  • “A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood.”

• Milk directed by Gus Van Sant

  • “The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official.”

• Paris is Burning directed by Jennie Livingston 

  • “A chronicle of New York's drag scene in the 1980s, focusing on balls, voguing and the ambitions and dreams of those who gave the era its warmth and vitality.” 

• Angels in America written by Tony Kushner

  • “Playwright Tony Kushner adapted his political epic about the A.I.D.S. crisis during the mid 1980s and centers the story around a group of separate but connected individuals.” 

• The Normal Heart directed by Ryan Murphy

  • “A gay activist attempts to raise H.I.V. and A.I.D.S. awareness during the early 1980s.” 

TV Shows

Blurbs are from imdb.com. 

• Orange is the New Black created by Jenji Kohan

  • “Convicted of a decade old crime of transporting drug money to an ex-girlfriend, normally law-abiding Piper Chapman is sentenced to a year and a half behind bars to face the reality of how life-changing prison can really be.” 

• The L Word created by Michele Abbott, Ilene Chaiken, and Kathy Greenberg

  • “Follows the lives and loves of a small, close-knit group of gay women living in Los Angeles as well as the friends and family members that either support or loathe them.” 

• Gentleman Jack created by Sally Wainwright

  • “A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall.”

• Queer Eye created by David Collins

  • “A new Fab Five set out to Atlanta to help some of the city's people refine their wardrobes, grooming, diet, cultural pursuits, and home décor.”

• POSE created by Steven Canals, Brad Falchuk, and Ryan Murphy

  • “Pose is set in the world of 1987 and looks at the juxtaposition of several segments of life and society in New York: the rise of the luxury universe, the downtown social and literary scene and the ball culture world."

• Sex Education created by Laurie Nunn

  • “A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school.” 

Books

• We Are Everywhere by Matthew Riemer and Leighton Brown

  • “A rich and sweeping photographic history of the Queer Liberation Movement, from the creators and curators of the massively popular Instagram account @lgbt_history, released in time for the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots.” 

• Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde

  • “The essential writings of black lesbian poet and feminist writer Audre Lorde. In this charged collection of fifteen essays and speeches, Lorde takes on sexism, racism, ageism, homophobia, and class, and propounds social difference as a vehicle for action and change.” 

• Ask a Queer Chick by Lindsay King-Miller

  • “This guide to sex, love and life for girls who like girls is useful whether you’re a lady-dating veteran or still trying to come out to yourself.”

• Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel 

  • “Distant and exacting, Bruce Bechdel was an English teacher and director of the town funeral home, which Alison and her family referred to as the Fun Home. It was not until college that Alison, who had recently come out as a lesbian, discovered that her father was also gay. A few weeks after this revelation, he was dead, leaving a legacy of mystery for his daughter to resolve.” 

• Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner

  • “Bi takes a long overdue, comprehensive look at bisexual politics—from the issues surrounding biphobia/monosexism, feminism, and transgenderism to the practice of labeling those who identify as bi as either "too bisexual” (promiscuous and incapable of fidelity) or "not bisexual enough” (not actively engaging romantically or sexually with people of at least two different genders). In this forward-thinking and eye-opening book, feminist bisexual and genderqueer activist Shiri Eisner takes readers on a journey through the many aspects of the meanings and politics of bisexuality, specifically highlighting how bisexuality can open up new and exciting ways of challenging social convention.” 

• This Book is Gay by Juno & James Dawson 

  • “There's a long-running joke that, after "coming out," a lesbian, gay guy, bisexual, or trans person should receive a membership card and instruction manual. THIS IS THAT INSTRUCTION MANUAL. You're welcome. Inside you'll find the answers to all the questions you ever wanted to ask: from sex to politics, hooking up to stereotypes, coming out and more. This candid, funny, and uncensored exploration of sexuality and what it's like to grow up LGBT also includes real stories from people across the gender and sexual spectrums, not to mention hilarious illustrations.” 

• Under The Udala Trees by Chinelo Okparanta

  • “Ijeoma comes of age as her nation does; born before independence, she is eleven when civil war breaks out in the young republic of Nigeria. Sent away to safety, she meets another displaced child and they, star-crossed, fall in love. They are from different ethnic communities. They are also both girls. When their love is discovered, Ijeoma learns that she will have to hide this part of herself. But there is a cost to living inside a lie.”

• Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg

  • “Woman or man? This internationally acclaimed novel looks at the world through the eyes of Jess Goldberg, a masculine girl growing up in the  McCarthy era and coming out as a young butch lesbian in the pre-Stonewall gay drag bars of a blue-collar town. This once-underground classic takes the reader on a roller-coaster ride of gender transformation and exploration and ultimately speaks to the heart of anyone who has ever suffered or gloried in being different.”

• Orlando by Virginia Woolf

  • “‘The longest and most charming love letter in literature’, playfully constructs the figure of Orlando as the fictional embodiment of Woolf’s close friend and lover, Vita Sackville-West. Spanning three centuries, the novel opens as Orlando, a young nobleman in Elizabeth’s England, awaits a visit from the Queen and traces his experience with first love as England under James I lies locked in the embrace of the Great Frost. At the midpoint of the novel, Orlando, now an ambassador in Constantinople, awakes to find that he is a woman, and the novel indulges in farce and irony to consider the roles of women in the 18th and 19th centuries. As the novel ends in 1928, a year consonant with full suffrage for women. Orlando, now a wife and mother, stands poised at the brink of a future that holds new hope and promise for women.”

• Angels In America: A Gay Fantasia On National Themes by Tony Kushner

  • “Prior is a man living with AIDS whose lover Louis has left him and become involved with Joe, an ex-Mormon and political conservative whose wife, Harper, is slowly having a nervous breakdown. These stories are contrasted with that of Roy Cohn (a fictional re-creation of the infamous American conservative ideologue who died of AIDS in 1986) and his attempts to remain in the closet while trying to find some sort of personal salvation in his beliefs.”

The LGBTQIA+ community has so much rich history and culture to explore. We hope you take advantage of these resources in your Pride Month education and onward.