5 Ways to Spice Up Your Halloween During a Pandemic

Halloween is going to look different this year… and it is extremely important for us to keep each other safe. 

Consider These Lower Risk Activities to Keep Your Holiday Fun and Safe:

1 . Carve or decorate pumpkins (and turn it into a contest!).

Get together safely with your quarantine crew to carve and decorate pumpkins. 

2. Decorate your living space to get into the Halloween spirit.

If you don’t feel safe meeting up with friends or neighbors, that is totally valid! Whether you are immunocompromised or just don’t want to leave your house this is a lower-risk activity. Find some fun decorations and just go with your own creative vision. You can even decorate while listening to some fun Halloween themed music!

3. Have a virtual Halloween costume contest over your favorite video platform.
Get together with your friends over Zoom, Google Meet, or whatever platform you enjoy most and have a virtual costume contest. Not only will this give you an opportunity to get dressed up, but you will be able to connect with your friends, wherever they may be. 

4. Watch a Halloween themed movie with your household or with friends over Zoom or Netflix Party. 
Watching a movie can be a wonderful activity to do safely. Pick a movie and take it from there! If you are living alone or would rather watch with others you can screen share over Zoom or if you have Netflix, download the Google Chrome extension “Netflix Party” which allows you to watch movies with your friends. 

5. Decorate cloth masks. 

Buy some cloth face masks and paint them! You can choose to decorate them to go with your costume or just decorate them for the winter.

To find more information about staying safe this Halloween, go to the CDC’s Website. 

Arousal Non-Concordance: It’s More Common Than You Would Think

Have you ever been having sex with someone and they exclaim “you’re so wet,” yet you don’t feel turned on at all? You are not alone.   

This is called arousal non-concordance and it is a common phenomenon, particularly among women. When we use the term ‘women’, we will be referring to people with vulvas because that is most consistent with the research; however, we know that arousal non-concordance affects people of all genders, including transgender, genderqueer, and non-binary folks, as well as intersex people. Emily Nagoski speaks about arousal non-concordance in her book Come As You Are, where she finds that there is about a 10 percent overlap between how women are responding to a situation and what stimuli they feel subjectively aroused by. This means that when a woman experiences lubrication, it does not automatically mean that they are aroused. For men however, Nagoski finds that there is a 50 percent overlap between genital response and subjective sexual arousal. 

Photo Credit: Emily Nagoski via Medium. Retrieved from: https://medium.com/@enagoski/unwanted-arousal-it-happens-29679a156b92

Types of Arousal

To begin we must differentiate between different types of arousal. According to the American Psychological Association, arousal is a state of excitement or energy expenditure linked to an emotion. Physiological arousal is arousal that is shown by physiological responses, such as increased blood flow to the genital area and increased heart rate. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, subjective sexual arousal is the active mental engagement in sex. It is important to differentiate these types of arousal when exploring arousal non-concordance. When physiological and subjective sexual arousal are not the same, arousal non-concordance occurs. 

So Why Am I Wet?

Wetness can be caused by a variety of factors. Genital lubrication is a natural part of your physiological functioning. Healthline explains that genital lubrication is essential to protect from injury or tearing. Furthermore, lubrication is a self-cleaning mechanism that keeps you or your partner’s vulva clean, moist, and free from infection. 

You can also become wet from touch even if you do not find it arousing. Bellesa shares that some women experience wetness during pelvic exams or even sexual assault. These situations can be uncomfortable, but they are simply a physiological reaction to touch rather than an indicator of sexual arousal. 

Becoming wet during uncomfortable experiences can be a sign that stimuli are sexually relevant, yet not appealing at all. Emily Nagoski, notes that some people get wet even when stimuli are “disgusting or appalling or horrifying.” This just means that the sexually relevant signals in your brain are being cued. A genital response is not desire or pleasure, it is simply sexually relevant.

Consent Is Key

Consent is always important and knowing that wetness does not equal arousal makes consent even more critical. You should always listen to your partner when they share what they are excited about and pay close attention to their words rather than rely on a response from their genitals. Make sure that you and your partners are only participating activities that you are comfortable with and have agreed upon. You can create healthy dialogue to figure out your needs and wants during any sexual interaction.

Remember that wetness or an erection does not mean the person is consenting, it could mean many things and you should never assume it means consent. Amy Frier, a sex therapist, explains this more in depth for men, if you want to learn more. 

It is important to note that this concept pertains to survivors of sexual assault as well. According to a rape crisis center in England, survivors of sexual assault are often told that they are not “true victims” because in cases where they produced a sexual physiological response, such as becoming wet during the assault.  Knowing that vaginal lubrication does not mean a person is aroused completely destroys this argument and should be noted in the future when issues of sexual assault are talked about. 

Aroused But Can’t Get Wet? Here Are Some Things You Can Do

1. Use Lube!

2. Remember the Clitoris 

3. Masturbate - You know your body best and can learn what stimulation you enjoy from solo sex. 

More Than Sex

Arousal non-concordance does not only have to do with genitals. Nagoski explains that when faced with an emotionally intense scenario, you are experiencing a physiological response and your reaction primarily has to do with the emotion of the stimuli, not the exact stimuli itself. Nagoski discussed this in her Ted Talk by sharing, “Arousal non-concordance happens with every emotional and motivational system we have. If my mouth waters when I bite into a wormy apple, does anybody say to me, you said no, but your body said yes?” Through this, she is allowing the listener to understand that non-concordance happens in all aspects of our physiological lives and is completely normal.

A 2012 study suggests that while men experience more concordance in sexual behaviors than women do, this does not translate to all physiological states. Simply speaking, the difference in sexual concordance does not translate to a difference with non-sexual arousal concordance, we all experience arousal non-concordance on similar levels. 

At the end of the day the important thing to remember is this: genital wetness does not automatically mean that you or your partners are aroused, it just means you are being exposed to sexually relevant stimuli.

4 Things to Include In Your At-Home Sex Education

A majority of schooling is now remote, and many parents and educators have adapted to new methods of teaching. While some may view this as a deterrent to learning, it can also be an opportunity to refine curricula and make education more inclusive. Sex education is a wonderful place to start. 

Only 30 U.S. states require sex education and only 17 of those states require it to be medically accurate. This is not an encouraging number considering that if students do not receive scientifically accurate sex education, they may be inclined to go to the internet to learn, and information on the internet is not always accurate. 

Here are some things to keep in mind when teaching sex education at home:

1. Use Inclusive Language When Referring to Gender Identity and Sexual/Romantic Orientation

It is critical to use language and provide information that is inclusive of all individuals’ gender identities and sexual/romantic orientations when teaching sex ed at home. This means making sure that the content you are teaching shares information that pertains to LGBTQ+ youth. Young people deserve to see their identities represented.

Since only 6 U.S. states require sex education to be LGBTQ+ inclusive and 7 require only negative information to be taught about homosexuality, many students are missing important information that not only validates their identity, but also teaches safer sex that is applicable to their lives. Furthermore, curricula that center the experiences of LGBTQ+ youth is actually encompassing to all youth. Conversations surrounding contraceptive options and barrier methods such as dental dams, as well as internal and external condoms to prevent the transmission of STIs are important for everyone. Introducing terms that reflect sexual diversity normalizes the variety of identities people can hold and helps youth understand what they mean. Promoting allyship and acceptance helps youth understand the variety of ways people experience attraction, both romantically and sexually, encourages them to think about their own gender expression, gender identity, and how that identity may be similar or different from their sex assigned at birth.

By teaching and modeling inclusive language during your at-home sex education, children will understand that including or making fun of peers based on their identities is harmful and stigmatizing. Stigma can lead LGBTQ+ youth to be at risk of a variety of negative health outcomes including higher rates of STIs, unwanted pregnancy, and suicide attempts.

2. Broaden the Conversation From Just Sex

When speaking with children about sexuality, it is also important to speak about healthy relationships and connections with others. A 2018 article published by Harvard University stresses the importance of teaching processes to care for one another in order for students to learn how to both support a partner in a relationship and engage in a healthy relationship. 

The National Sexual Education Standards emphasize these themes as well. The standards define a healthy relationship as, “a relationship between individuals that consists of mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, fairness/equity, separate identities, physical and emotional safety, and good communication.” The theme of healthy relationships is constant in these standards, but  the topics differ by grade, so it can be helpful to look through their guidelines for support.

SIECUS, an organization focusing on sex ed for social change, also emphasizes the importance of including topics of communication and healthy relationships in sex education. 

A good place to begin is the concept of mutuality. Mutuality is the ability to make decisions with a partner and understand and address their concerns or wishes. It is extremely important to teach youth the importance of open communication within both sexual and non-sexual relationships.

For example, let’s say a child is going to the park with their friend. Their friend wants to play on the monkey bars and they want to play soccer on the field. The child can explain why they want to play soccer and their friend can explain why they want to play on the monkey bars. The children can then reach a compromise and say that they will spend 30 minutes doing each activity. By reaching a compromise the child is learning the importance of having conversations and making compromises in relationships. This teaches children fairness and models the ability to adapt.

Talk to your kids about what a healthy relationship looks like. Not all healthy relationships look the same, but some aspects of healthy relationships are adaptability, open communication, trust, and curiosity. Kids look up to adults, so by giving them concrete examples as well as tools, they will likely be able to understand just what a healthy relationship looks like. A good way to teach your children about healthy relationships is by modeling, aka by watching you. Your children will inevitably end up imitating you in some way, so by modeling these healthy behaviors, your children will learn by observing. 

An example of modeling trust in a relationship is honoring your word to take your children to the park. If you say you are going to take your child to the park after school, do it so that they can see the importance of trust in a relationship.

3. Emphasize Pleasure

The majority of sex ed curricula focus on the prevention of STIs, HIV and pregnancy. Sex education can also emphasize the importance of pleasure in sexual interactions.

UNESCO, The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, recommends teaching children about pleasure stating that “sexual feelings, fantasies and desires are natural and not shameful.” This is something that is currently not spoken about in a majority of sex ed programs. 

The reality is that many people are having sex for pleasure, so emphasize the importance of pleasure, to create a more open and honest educational environment.

The concept of pleasure does not need to be purely sexual. Let’s go back to the park example. The two children were compromising and learning the skill of mutuality, but they were also making room for each other to do something pleasurable. Teaching children about pleasure can help them in their current daily lives, as well as one day in their sexual relationships. There is a link between both pleasure and happiness and pleasure and motivation, so by learning the value of consent, children can begin to prioritize pleasure in their own lives. 

4. Prioritize Consent

A large gap in sex education curricula is teaching about consent. Only 9 U.S. states require the importance of consent during sexual activities be covered in sex education. Sex without consent is sexual assault, yet consent is not spoken about in a majority of classrooms. 

When teaching sex education at home, remember to prioritize consent. Assault can lead to mental illness such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Consent is a key ingredient in sexual pleasure. To learn more about consent read our latest blog post, “The Importance of Consent During a Pandemic.”

Teaching consent in sex education will not only help children when it comes to sexual respect and safety but will help with their overall respect for others as well. For any situation, it is important to make sure that both parties are consenting to any activity being done. 

A simple way to teach consent is through the behavior of drinking tea with a friend. Here is an example.

You offer your friend a cup of tea...“would you care for a cup of tea?”

If they respond saying, “Of course! Thank you! I would love a cup of tea!” they are consenting to you giving them tea. If they respond with “I am not sure,” you can ask them a follow-up question or assume that “I am not sure” really means “no”.  And if you made the tea and they then decided they didn’t want to drink it, you cannot and should not encourage them to drink it. In this case, your friend is open to the idea of tea but has not yet consented to drinking it. If they reply, “no thank you” then they do not want tea and you should not make it for them. In this case, they are not consenting to drinking tea.

You can also use the idea of Ask, Listen, Respect to teach younger children about consent. 

The National Sexual Education Standards (NSES) also include content focused on consent. The NSES recommend beginning conversations about consent in kindergarten by focusing on the idea of bodily autonomy, which is the right for each person to govern what happens to their body without external influence or coercion. They aim to lay the groundwork for understanding sexual relationships later on, as well as ensuring a safer classroom environment.

Here is a video by Amaze if you want to learn more about consent.

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Looking for some extra support to guide your conversations with your children? Checkout our latest e-course here.

Here are some resources from Planned Parenthood to guide you through the process of teaching sex education. These resources include an online chat feature, digital education tools such as quizzes and games, and videos about consent.

SIECUS has some wonderful resources sorted by age range as well! There are resources for younger children beginning at age 4, resources for young adults, and resources for parents and caregivers. 

Remember that remote learning is new for a lot of people, so it is a-okay if the words you share are not perfect. The key thing is that you are teaching important and engaging topics. You don’t have to strive for perfection, instead strive for smaller moments of learning and growth.

Photo credit: Dainis Graveris on Sexual Alpha