How Do You Handle Conflict When You Reach Your Boiling Point?

We all have our limits—those metaphorical boiling points where patience runs thin, and emotions start to overflow. Do you recall those moments in a relationship when it feels like your friend or partner is relentlessly pushing your buttons, turning up the heat beneath you? Maybe it's when your friend won't back down from challenging your political views or insists on your attendance at their bachelor party despite your significant work commitments. Or perhaps it’s your partner, reminding you to put away the dishes, pick up your laundry, or pay bills after you've already had a particularly stressful day at the office.

These moments, often described as frustrating or intense, contribute to an overall sense of stress. If your baseline stress level is already high—say, a 7 out of 10—it doesn’t take much for someone to crank it up to an 8 or 9. So, what happens next?

In my experience clinically, the most common reactions I see are a combination of something in between these scenarios:

• The feeling many people describe as "I just cannot take it anymore!" comes over and then you explode at your partner, yelling at them and perhaps saying things you do not mean that are hurtful. This fighting continues and creates tension which then becomes distance between you both.

• The presence of negative self-talk "I can't do anything right" emerges as we draw away from the relationship and blame ourselves, internally sulking and de-sensationalizing. This type of conflict might appear as one or both people become reclusive or initiate the silent treatment.

So maybe you identify your own pattern of dealing with conflict, however similar or different from these examples. Now return to your boiling point, remember what that felt like. What's happening within you right now?

Neurologically, here's what is actually happening in your brain and why it might be hard to communicate clearly...

There are two areas in our brain that are centrally activated during our interactions of conflict - the limbic area or emotional brain, which includes the amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex (PFC). Within the limbic system, our amygdala appears petite, yet it can have a powerful impact as it is responsible for responding to fear and rage. The prefrontal cortex (PFC) orchestrates thoughtful decision-making abilities and is our source of reasoning and good judgement.

When we are in the midst of an argument with a partner or friend, perhaps fearful of what may come of the interaction or we become angered by the threat of feeling attacked, our amygdala reacts and takes charge. Simply put, our emotional brain takes over making it very difficult for us to communicate clearly to our partners and friends. This makes sense because thoughtfulness in this moment would require sufficient PFC functioning. Mona Fishbane, PhD., clinical psychologist and family therapist, describes this limbic area activation as "the low road" of reactivity and the PFC activation as "the high road" of thoughtfulness in her application of neuroscience to her psychotherapy work and in her book, Loving With The Brain in Mind, which is an excellent resource for couples.

So, in order for us to decrease reactivity and increase thoughtfulness during moments of conflict, the PFC must communicate with the amygdala to calm it down (the brain is wired for this process to occur). We can activate this process in our PFC by engaging in calming behaviors - think diaphragmatic/deep breathing, meditation, a short walk, time to recollect, reflection, releasing tears, calming thoughts.

When we engage in calming behaviors during intense moments where our emotional brain has taken over and our PFC has gone off-line, we can actually open the pathway of communication between our PFC and amygdala, bringing our PFC back online. While these processes take time to learn and integrate into our daily lives, they are effective with the right amount of coaching and support. Perhaps you may find psychotherapy to be a useful outlet.

The Power of Choice

Now, let's return to that boiling point one last time. Your blood feels like it's boiling, you're annoyed, and the heat is rising. Maybe you’re teetering on the edge of conflict, or perhaps you're already deep in it, feeling uncomfortable and uncertain. But here’s the good news: you have the power to choose how you’ll respond in this moment.

When conflict arises, and your emotional brain takes over, it can be challenging to think clearly and communicate effectively. However, by engaging in calming behaviors—whether it’s deep breathing, taking a short walk, or simply pausing to reflect—you can help your prefrontal cortex regain control, allowing you to approach the situation with thoughtfulness rather than reactivity.

So, the next time you find yourself at your boiling point, ask yourself: What route will you take? Will you allow the heat to consume you, or will you choose to cool down and navigate the conflict with a clearer mind? The choice is yours, and with practice, you can learn to handle even the most intense situations with grace and composure.

Be Your Own Valentine.

Not feeling the love this Valentine's Day? That's okay. You're not alone.

February's frigid temperatures and scant sunshine have had a history of dampening spirits, requiring us to really dig deep if we want to stay motivated and connect to our loving intentions. Throw in the task of trying to figure out a special way to celebrate Valentine's Day and too often we are left with a pile of stress.  It's a shame that a day focused on love can create such chaos. As you shop for a great gift, plan the perfect evening, or indulge in your favorite chocolates, consider these reflections...

Open your heart and your mind.

If your date doesn't go according to plan, just know that some of the greatest love connections blossom in the moment, spontaneous or random moments that would not be nearly as meaningful if they had been planned. Trade in your blueprint of the perfect evening for possibility. The possibility of what happens in between perfection and paranoia. You might be surprised, perhaps even relieved.

Love isn't in the air, unless we surround ourselves with it.

It's highly unlikely that we will suddenly feel a ton of love unless we choose to create love in our lives. We might have to be extra mindful or bundle up a little tighter to make those opportunities happen in the winter season, but ultimately, love requires our energy and attention.  When we make conscious efforts to treat others in a loving way, we open our hearts to receiving love.

Celebrate efforts and love often.

If you ask people in happy relationships they will likely tell you that love does not just happen on one day of the year- it happens every day if we want it to last. Love requires us to be thoughtful, respectful and kind to our partners all the time as well as having patience and a sense of self-awareness, which cannot be cultivated overnight. Expressing gratitude for the time and energy we've invested into our relationships reminds us of what it truly means to love and embrace love.

Self love = the greatest gift of all.

Cupid may want everyone to feel the romance on February 14th, but if that's not where you're at, that's totally okay. Take this opportunity to treat yourself with extra love and do things that promote love in your life. Maybe it's a bubble bath or a sauna session, seeing a movie, rock climbing, or reading a good book and a homemade meal is just what you need.

However you decide to spend Valentine's Day, choose something that feels completely right to you. Treat yourself if you want, and relax if you don't. Everyday you have the chance to be your own valentine, so what will it include this year?

Mindfulness: 3 Practical Applications for Everyday Life

The practice of mindfulness has been a hot-topic in the mental health world these days– and it is no secret that many people are quick to jump on the mindfulness train. As a clinician, I notice many clients wanting to learn more but feeling confused about where to begin.

To break it down for you, the nuts and bolts of incorporating mindfulness in your life on a regular basis, let’s start with a definition. What exactly is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the act of being in the present and bringing one’s awareness to what is happening in front of you at this very moment.

Merriam-Webster defines mindfulness as the practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one's thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis; such a state of awareness.

So, you’re supposed to pay attention to your thoughts, emotions and experiences – now what?

Practicing mindfulness in every day life can be tricky. Let’s look at right now for example- as you are reading the words in this article, consider your thoughts. What are you thinking about?

Perhaps you are thinking about what comes next as you skim through the article. Maybe you wore an itchy sweater to work and are currently noticing how uncomfortable it feels on your skin. Or maybe you fought with your partner this morning and you can’t stop thinking about it.

Take a second and reflect – what is on your mind? Are you able to really read these words and stay focused?

These are examples of how our thoughts can interject in the moment and distract us from the task at hand. Now, consider how often you find yourself thinking about something other than what you are currently doing. It can be hard to stay focused on the present especially when we have so many gears turning in our lives. I’d like to share with some strategies for applying mindfulness to everyday tasks:

1. Washing the dishes.

BORING, right? Maybe you enjoy doing the dishes, but more than likely, you are just going through household chores and crossing it off your list. Next time you are doing dishes, pause to reflect on all the steps that are involved while noticing how your senses are involved. When you are scraping the excess food off of the plate, bring your attention to the motion you use to do so. Do you use a sponge or scrubber brush to remove sticky substances or do you use your hands? Notice the sensation. Are there certain motions that work better than others? Feel the temperature of the water as it crashes onto the plate. If you applied soap, maybe a certain scent fills the air around you. Take that in.

What is it like to be reflecting on the process of washing your dishes this way? How might this activity seem different to you now that you are directing your awareness to it?

2. Workouts @ The Gym

One of my favorite ways to practice mindfulness is while working out. Why then? It is sweaty and loud and there are so many distractions… this is precisely why. When we are prone to distractions or self-criticism, these moments are excellent for re-centering our body awareness.

So, you are at the gym in the middle of a workout. You are on rep 7 of 10  squat jumps and your mind is entirely checked out. This is a perfect time to reel it back in, here’s how:

As you look into the mirror, what do you see? Be your own witness. Take a moment to notice the form your body makes when you bend your knees, sitting back deeply into a squat position. Feel the distribution of weight into your heels as you sit back and the air underneath your feet as you jump into the air. Become attuned to the pace of your breathing – at what point are you inhaling and exhaling? What sounds do you notice when you land on your feet or jump into the air from your squat? Are you listening to music? If so, what tunes are in the background?

If a thought comes up and interrupts your sequence, acknowledge that thought and push it aside for right now. It can wait until you are done with your 10 reps or maybe even your entire workout.

3. Bathing & Showering

Showering or bathing is part of your routine – so consider it another chance to practice mindfulness. Showering is an especially rich opportunity to engage in mindfulness because there are so many bodily sensations being activated during the process. What makes this shower different from an ordinary shower?

That would be the presence of intention. “Intentional Showering” involves a shift in awareness to bodily sensations that may not be attuned to on a regular basis.

First, consider what time of day are you showering. If it is early in the morning, how might that feel different from if it were later in the day or evening? Notice how much light is present around you as you shower. How might the experience be different with varied amounts of light? What items surround you in the shower? Maybe there are shampoo bottles or maybe there are rubber duck toys or fluffy loofas - how might these sights shape your experience?

Now bring your attention to the temperature of the water and how it feels against your skin. As you begin cleansing yourself, direct your awareness to the motion in which you are cleansing. Pause for a second. Maybe you use a washcloth, a loofa, or your hand. Is there a particular order you follow while cleansing your body? What sounds are present as you shower? Do you listen to a radio, sing, or shower silently? What scents are present for you as you cleanse? As you notice each of these sensations, I invite you to reflect – how might this change your showering/bathing experience?

Mindfulness is called a practice for a reason. The more often we engage in the practice, the more opportunities we have for learning and growth. When we pause to thoughtfully reflect on our lives in a slow and intentional way, we train ourselves to appreciate the power of living in the present.

I encourage you to incorporate a daily practice for at least a week. Perhaps you have your own ideas or unique ways of incorporating a mindfulness practice that are a better fit for you? Go for it. Run with them. Let me know how it goes – I’d be honored to hear your feedback.