Questioning Your Gender, Now What?

So, you read our last blog post about gender and sexuality and after some self-reflection, you’ve got questions. Or maybe you’ve had questions for a while and are feeling a bit lost. Either way, lucky for you, you’ve got questions and we’ve got answers! Gender is an extremely complex concept; because it’s so deeply ingrained in every aspect of Western society, it can be difficult to divest yourself from oppressive notions of gender that were forced on you. Questioning your gender and your place in a world structured around gender binaries is a scary prospect and it’s okay to feel uncertain or uncomfortable. 

At the end of the day, this journey is for you and you only, with the ultimate goal being you feeling comfortable in your own skin. You deserve happiness and gender euphoria. There is nothing wrong or broken about you. There is no right way to be a particular gender therefore you can never be wrong. 

If you’re struggling to get started, here are some points to consider:

• If you’re considering changing facets of your identity like your name or pronouns, a good way to see if they fit is by “piloting” them with a group of trusted friends or family. This way, you don’t need to commit to a public announcement before you’re sure of yourself. 

• It’s never too late to question and explore! 

• You don’t need to have dysphoria or a desire to transition in order to be transgender or non-binary.

• There’s no deadline for figuring yourself out. Give yourself the grace of time to figure things out. 

• You may never arrive at a final destination; navigating and understanding gender identity is a complex and lifelong process. 

• Don’t get caught up in a need for labels and codification. Though labels can certainly be comforting, they may also be limiting. 

• You will almost inevitably experience confusion at some point and that’s not your fault; when you pick apart the way gender structures society, you will begin to see that there are a lot of holes in the logic underlying it which makes rearing up against those expectations so confusing and difficult. 

• If it’s accessible to you, don’t go it alone. Whether that means seeing a gender therapist, finding support groups either online or in person, or just talking it out with a trusted individual, you deserve external support throughout this process. 

• Institutions that you may have been taught were created to help you like medicine and education have ingrained systemic transphobia. While there are certainly individuals within these institutions that may be genuinely accepting and helpful, this is likely not the case for the majority of people you interact within these contexts, particularly depending on your specific geography. 

• If you find yourself self-invalidating your gender questioning process because you don’t feel genderqueer/trans “enough” but you wish you were (insert gender identity), that is indicative of that identity fitting you. Wanting to be a certain gender is a “symptom,” for lack of a better word, of being that gender. 

• Additionally, questioning is a valid identity. You might not want to be a certain gender and that is also telling and legitimate. The beauty of questioning the gender binary is that there are no wrong answers, nor does there have to be an answer in the first place. Questioning as an identity is every bit as valid as any other label.  

At the end of the day, try to find the balance between honoring your gender identity and not becoming overcome by the intricacies of navigating gender. Gender is performance in its most basic form and there are ways to make that performance fun. We didn’t choose the gender binary that exists around us, but we can choose to make it work for each of us to the best of our ability by understanding what makes us feel liberated. 

Inspired by Adrian Ballou’s article, it is important to qualify that this article is being written from the perspective of a singular white genderqueer person which may influence the suggestions provided.

How To Be A Sex-Positive Parent

Sexuality shapes how we interface with the world: how we dress, how we speak, and how we parent. While we cannot control the world around us, we can model safety, consent, and pleasure for the young people in our lives. Being a sex-positive caregiver is more than explaining anatomy and the mechanics of reproduction. Rather, sex-positive parenting is a holistic practice that embraces sexuality as an essential aspect of self. 

START A DIALOGUE

There is no right time to have the “talk” because sexuality is always evolving. How you educate your child will look different at the varying stages of their development. It may be tempting to avoid talking about sexuality with your children, but that won’t set them up for success. Being a sex-positive parent means actively teaching young people about sex, bodies, healthy relationships and pleasure, instead of waiting for them to learn solely from their peers or the internet. According to the Pediatric Clinics of North America, a parent's role in sexuality education is vital and is associated with increased engagement in safer sex practices during adolescence. 

WHERE TO BEGIN THE CONVERSATION

• Start early. According to the CDC, by age 2+ your child will begin to identify certain body parts. Use scientifically accurate terminology (e.g., vulva, penis, scrotum and nipples) during everyday activities including bath time and diaper changes. By normalizing use of accurate names of body parts, your child will be better able to communicate with you if they have an injury or are experiencing any discomfort. During bath time you can discuss the importance of hygiene and demonstrate how to properly wash their genitals, while teaching them to do so on their own as they develop. 

• Create a judgment free zone. Toddlers commonly touch their genitals, so if you see your child exploring their genitals, let them know that touching their own body can feel good and it is also something to do in the privacy of their own rooms. Oftentimes, genital exploration is more about self soothing versus sexual stimulation and this is a normal part of development. This can also be an opportunity to talk about boundaries and which parts of the home are on versus off limits for self-exploration. For example, if your child  begins touching their genitals at the dinner table, you can reiterate that they are welcome to touch themselves in their room or bathroom, but not at the dinner table. As you child develops, their curiosity around sexuality and self pleasure may increase. 

• Safer sex. Discuss different types of sex with your adolescents such as dry humping, oral, anal, and vaginal intercourse. Explain that some forms of sexual exploration may be safer than others, and while abstinence is an option, it is most important that they are informed about their body and how to practice safer sex before doing so with a partner. Research suggests that abstinence-only education methods are ineffective in reducing teenage pregnancy and may have an inverse effect on pregnancy outcomes whereas comprehensive sexuality education better prepares young people to be informed and sexually responsible. Making condoms and dental dams easily available at home (i.e., in a bathroom drawer) and talking with teens about birth control options can help them be more prepared for practicing safer sex.

Photo by Kinkazoid

THINGS TO DO

• Educate your kiddos. Share educational videos with your child and stock their at-home library with developmentally appropriate sexuality books. According to Planned Parenthood, reading books with younger children is a great way to introduce them to the subject of sexuality. Children age 10+ may benefit from reading on their own and then checking in with you afterwards. If reading independently, ask your child what they learned and if they have any questions. Monitor your own reactions by taking a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before answering questions. If you’re not sure how to answer a question, tell them that you have to think about their question because you value their curiosity and you’ll get back to them. 

• Normalize conversations about bodies and sex. Having regular conversations about sexuality and pleasure demonstrates that these topics are important and normal. By beginning the dialogue early, you will be able to share developmental information slowly, at a digestible pace. Children are eager to learn and having access to developmentally appropriate information is key. For example, if your child asks you where babies come from, your answer will be different when they are pre-kindergarten compared to in fifth grade. When your child is in kindergarten, you may say babies come out of a pregnant person’s uterus. However, as they develop, your explanations will begin to become more complex. Starting around fourth grade you may introduce the concept of gestation and birth through the vaginal canal. When talking about sexuality to your eighth grader, include STI’s, pregnancy prevention, pleasure, and how one can enjoy themselves solo or with a partner(s). 

TOPICS TO INCLUDE

• Media Literacy. Media literacy is a concept that is particularly useful when educating young people about body image and sexually explicit materials. By explaining that movies are made for entertainment and that real life can be very different from what they see online or on television, this helps them develop more realistic expectations. The goal here is for young people to interact with all forms of media while thinking critically about the content they are viewing. 

• Pornography. If you find your child exploring pornography, it is important to communicate that porn is designed for adult entertainment and explain the difference between fantasy and reality. Talking about porn can be an opportunity to explore how all bodies are different and all bodies are beautiful. While you can put parental controls on your devices at home, this won’t stop a curious child from exploring pornography outside of the home. Thus, it is important to talk about the unrealistic aspects of media and how that might affect their view of sexuality and pleasure. 

• Consent. Practicing consent with children throughout the life course promotes safety, respect, boundaries and builds healthy relationships. Encourage young people to ask before engaging in physical affection (e.g., hugs) and say so if they do not want physical affection from a family member. Model consent in conversation by asking children for permission before touching them. Tickling is another opportunity to demonstrate consent. Ask for permission before beginning, and listen to your child when they want you to stop during tickling sessions. When being affectionate with your partner(s) in front of your child, ask your partner(s) for a kiss or a hug and then proceed only after your partner clearly expresses a yes. This helps reinforce consent and bodily autonomy. 

• Boundaries. Kids mirror and absorb so much information through nonverbal and verbal communication, including through your relationship with other adults. Having healthy boundaries benefits children throughout their lives, especially when it comes to sexuality. By teaching and modeling how to create and communicate boundaries, your child will be better able to advocate for themselves in relationships with others.

The benefits to being a sex-positive caregiver will outweigh any discomfort that may initially come up for you. Taking an active role in children’s sexuality education is crucial to their wellbeing. If you're still feeling hesitant about discussing sexuality with your child, consider our online parenting program, Building Ease Talking About the Birds and the Bees®, or sex ed parent coaching.

9 Myths You Missed in Sex Ed Class

No matter where and when you got your sex education, you likely heard some incorrect information, whether it be from friends, parents, pop culture, the media, or formal education. If you learned false information about sex, we are here to help. 

Generalizations are often made leaving some to feel confused or harmed by the information given to them. Today on the Embrace Sexual Wellness blog, we will be debunking some of the myths you may have learned about sex. 

Myth #1: Orgasm is the be-all-and-end-all of sex

Having an orgasm can be a wonderful sensation, but it does not have to be the goal of all sexual interactions. Sex is so much more than the moment of orgasm. It is about pleasure and connection with your partner(s). Consider this, what would it be like if you thought about sexual pleasure as a journey and not a destination?

Thinking about orgasm as the goal of sex can also lead to increased stress, not pleasure. According to a study published in Hippokratia, when one feels pressure to perform sexually, their body activates its sympathetic nervous system, which results in the increased production of stress hormones, such as epinephrine, norepinephrine and cortisol. These hormones increase blood pressure levels and reduce blood flow to the genitals, which can lead to sexual functioning problems (e.g., decreased sensation in the vulva, erectile dysfunction, inhibited arousal), as well as a more stressful sexual dynamic between partners.

Orgasms are not a given in all sexual interactions and this pressure to perform can lead to added stress. A 2020 study in Current Sexual Health Reports notes that the orgasm gap still exists. The orgasm gap is the phenomenon that in heterosexual relationships, male partners orgasm at higher rates than their female counterparts. Furthermore, the experience of orgasm can be limiting. A theory in an article published in Current Sexual Health Reports states that those with penises are more likely to reach orgasm since they are taught from a young age that it is okay to explore their bodies more than those with vulvas. Additionally, the research suggests that the cultural prioritization of penile-vaginal intercourse over more clitorally focused sexual activities is linked to the orgasm gap.  

Furthermore, an article in Healthline emphasizes the importance of pleasure during sex aside from an orgasm. The article also notes that when focusing on achieving orgasm alone, safety, well-being, respect, and connection are neglected. 

TLDR: Orgasms are wonderful, but they are not the be-all-and-end-all.

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Myth #2: Sex = vaginal penetration 

The heteronormative idea that sex is simply vaginal penetration is incorrect. According to Teen Health Source, a Planned Parenthood Canadian-run sexual health information service for teens, the definition of sex is flexible. Being sexual means different things to different people, and only you get to decide how you define being sexual. Sex can include a range of activities that feel sexual and pleasurable to you.

Research inspired by Alfred Kinsey that was published in PLOS ONE, indicates that there are many common sexual behaviors including but not limited to vaginal sex, oral sex, anal sex, sending and receiving nude images, and masturbation. Assuming that sex is only vaginal penetration is exclusionary to those who do not have vaginal sex, or cannot for health reasons. By expanding our definitions of sex, we can make sex more inclusive to people across all identities. 

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Myth #3: A person with a vulva pops their cherry when they have sex for the first time

Did you ever hear the phrase “popping one’s cherry”? The phrase popping your cherry tends to apply to the belief that an intact hymen is an indicator if someone with a vulva has engaged in vaginal intercourse. According to an article in Women’s Health Magazine, many still believe that an intact hymen is a sign of purity. Well, guess what? Popping one’s cherry is not an accurate phrase in determining if someone has engaged in vaginal intercourse or is “pure”.

The hymen is a membrane that lines the opening of the vagina and varies in its size and shape. According to Medical News Today, many people with vulvas do not experience tearing of the hymen during sexual intercourse and sometimes hymens are torn during other non-sexual physical activities, such as horseback riding, riding bicycles, gymnastics, and inserting tampons. In fact, according to a study published in the North American Society for Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology, some people with vaginas do not have hymen to begin with which means that they never will “pop their cherry”. 

A person does not “pop their cherry” and a “popped cherry” does not mean a person is no longer pure. There has never been validity to these messages.

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Myth #4: Virginity is an accurate concept (CW: Sexual Violence and Racism)

In her book Virgin: The Untouched History, Hanne Blank, shares that humans have constructed the idea of virginity. This concept, that almost always focuses on females in heterosexual sexual encounters, has been used as an exploitative force for political and cultural forces. In fact, in the Renaissance and Medieval periods, western virginity was symbolized by whiteness and nonwhite people were viewed as sexually immoral. European colonizers also used the concept of virginity to sexually abuse Black women. A 2016 article published in Black & Gold, discusses how Black women were hyper sexualized by white men in order to justify raping and dehumanizing them. The idea of virginity was critical in this historical narrative to justify that white women were pure while Black women were viewed as impure.

The concept of virginity is problematic because it teaches women that their virginity (a.k.a. their sexual behavior) is a commodity for men. Women are often shamed for being sexual, a.k.a. “losing their virginity”, while men are praised for doing so. This sexist ideology that it is okay for men to have sex, but not for women can lead to slut-shaming.  

Virginity is important to some people who choose to engage in abstinence (often defined as waiting to have sex until marriage) or secondary abstinence (waiting to have sex until marriage after having sex prior). According to a study published in Sexuality & Culture, secondary virginity is based on the social construction of gendered sexuality and heterosexuality. This idea of secondary virginity is often infused with conservative Christian ideology, but for some, it is simply a method to protect against pregnancy and STIs. For others, it is a commitment to wait until they are emotionally connected to someone, in some cases waiting to have sex until marriage. 

The term ‘virgin’ is typically used to describe a person who has never had sex, but this is also challenging since the definition of sex is ambiguous. According to Planned Parenthood, the concept of virginity is inaccurate because everyone defines sex differently and the term is not helpful in determining if someone was sexually active or not. Only you can decide if you are a virgin, but it doesn’t need to matter or hold value unless you want it to. Sexuality professionals recommend using less loaded terms such as ‘sexual debut’ or ‘first sexual encounter’. According to Healthline, this myth of virginity can impact the way we think about sex and our expectations for sex in the first place. The concept of virginity as we know it assumes that one is losing something when they have sex for the first time, putting a negative connotation on sex.

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Myth #5: The words vulva and vagina are interchangeable

This is something a lot of people misunderstand, including people with vulvas. Planned Parenthood defines the vulva as the part of the genitals on the outside of the body of those who were assigned female at birth. The vagina, however, is a canal that connects one’s vulva with their cervix and uterus. It’s the portal to which babies and menstrual blood leave the body. Vaginas are one part of the vulva, which is the larger structure.

Source: Planned Parenthood

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Myth #6: People with disabilities and chronic illnesses cannot have sex

People with disabilities and chronic illnesses are sexual beings. The myth that they cannot have sex or are not sexual largely stems from ableism. Our Bodies, Ourselves, an organization that empowers women with information about health, sexuality and reproduction, debunks this myth that those with chronic illness and disabilities are uninterested in sex, unable to have sex, or are undesirable. In fact, they indicate that some women with chronic illness, such as fibromyalgia, find that direct genital stimulation can help block the pain that they are feeling. They also note that medical establishments need to recognize that people with chronic illness and disabilities want to be seen as sexual beings. A study published in American Family Physician specifies that this assumption can be harmful to those with disabilities and chronic illnesses, as it can cause them to become uninterested in sex because of misconceptions about their ability to have sex, as well as other factors, such as depression, fatigue, pain and stress.

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Myth #7: Sex ends with ejaculation

Absolutely not! Sexual interactions are about the pleasure of all parties involved. It is important to communicate with your partner(s) about when you are ready for sex to be over. Partnered sex is about communal pleasure. Unless you are engaging in a specific BDSM scene where one person’s pleasure is prioritized over another, such as in a M/S dynamic, and it has been decided beforehand, everyone’s pleasure should be prioritized.  

Pleasure is the cornerstone of sexual wellbeing. Ejaculation is not. All bodies are different and not all bodies will always ejaculate during sex. Everyone’s pleasure is important! 

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Myth #8: The pullout method is an effective way to prevent pregnancy

This myth is one that affects people who are engaging in penile-vaginal intercourse, which is not reflective of all sexual interactions. The pullout method is a method of birth control where the partner with a penis removes their penis from the vagina before ejaculation occurs. Some may believe that the pullout method is a reliable and effective method of birth control, when in fact it is not. According to Planned Parenthood, the pullout method, also known as withdrawal, is only 78% effective when used alone. Furthermore, the pullout method does not work to protect against STIs. Barrier methods such as internal and external condoms and dental dams are safer methods that can effectively prevent pregnancy and the transmission of STIs and HIV.

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Myth #9: Kink is shameful

Kink is not shameful. It is actually extremely common. An article published in Haworth Press reveals that up to 14% of American men and 11% of American women report having engaged in some form of BDSM. The Kink Clinical Practice Guidelines also state that approximately 45-60% of the population experience fantasies related to dominance and/or submission. By understanding how common kink is, we can begin to break down the stigma surrounding kink and those that practice it. 

Kink is also not a monolith. When shaming the world of kink, many are shaming a concept, rather than an act. There are multiple ways to engage in kink, such as bondage, dominance, masochism, submission, and role play, and none of them are shameful. Give this Glamour article a read to learn more about kinks and fetishes in A to Z format.

Research published in the Journal of Sex Medicine suggests that people who practice kink have a desire to engage in discussions with their health care providers about their health without fear of being judged for their sexual desires. The more that kink is societally stigmatized, the more harmful it can be to those engaging in kink.

TLDR: Kink is not shameful and Kinksters should not be stigmatized. A kink is simply a form of sexual desire or behavior. 

Takeaway

While these are not the only myths and misconceptions about sex, these are some of the common ones we have heard frequently. It is always good to do your research before believing something new about sex, or anything for that matter. There is so much false information, and we are here to help. Some things you can do when encountering new information about sex include: consider the source of the information, research the information yourself and look for empirical evidence that supports or disproves it, and talk with professionals about why said information is fact versus opinion.

Remember, sexuality education is a lifelong journey. Looking for more resources to continue learning? Visit our resources page here to learn more.